Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I haven't seen nor talked to you since Feb 3rd. That last appointment was filled with frustration. I had nothing to say and you kept pointing out how quiet I was. I just wanted to scream at you for neglecting your duties as a psychiatrist.

On May 10th I dropped the medical records at the ACTT office as you requested.

This record review has the potential to break our relationship. I'm frustrated with you and the role you had in what happened. How you went along with believing my father was an alcoholic and abuser, and that I came from a chaotic and dysfunctional family because I grew up in an isolated First Nations community in northern Canada. You believed I went through SA as a child, but I did not.

You were the attending on-call during one of my admissions. You authorized it. Your name is on the documents.

How can I not feel frustrated and betrayed?

Well I guess you were just busy... thanks for that email about being concerned about the ER and being glad they helped. I'm also glad you said we'd figure out a food plan together that would work with my diet orders from the ER that also wouldn't send me into full blown ED restriction. You said you eere thinking of me which is always nice to hear.

The saga continues...of course...but the follow up appointment is the day before the second anniversary of Steve's death.

You weren't kidding when you said it's hard to take care of physical wellbeing and emotional needs at the same time.

Looks like we're going to end up talking about all this by default.

I hope you're ready.

Dear T I really wish I could reach out to you. I really miss you allot. I know you can't reach out to me right now or have sessions with clients. I am doing my best to not allow myself to get overwhelmed and take care of myself.

I hope to hear from you soon

I ate one of these cookie sandwhiches last night with icing on the inside. Similar to an ice cream sandwhich. There were 4 in the container and I gave 2 to my mom and my brother because they seemed like calorie bombs and I don't like that stuff in the house.

Food wise today you'd probably be pissed. But whatever. Most things I eat hurt my stomach and my stomach meds still make me lose my appetite. I set up a follow up appointment with my GI doctor. So I'll see what he says.

Dear T,
Did you get hit by lightning or something? You seem to finally understand transference. So much of what you said today seemed to reflect that. You gave me a lot to think about today--pretty sure I gave myself two separate homework assignments for the weekend based on some stuff you said that I want to reflect on more.

Oh, and happy birthday for tomorrow! I decided it was best not to mention it today. It may have just been coincidence, but it was shortly after I wished you a happy birthday last year that we were in a rupture. But maybe it would have happened anyway and has no connection? Still, figured best to not mention. Plus, you said at the time that you're not into celebrating your birthday. But I do hope you have a nice day anyway, as you deserve it.

Love,
LT

Thank you

oh my. that was pretty profound, wasn't it? It kinda came out of nowhere while I was trying to pretend I was writing instead of talking. Some really deep stuff today. thank you.

omg. i am going to miss you. no, no, no. I know you aren’t leaving me, but I feel like you are.

Food wise I think you'd be ok with how things went today. Anxiety wise I think you would be super happy with how low it is. Physically you'd probably be concerned, but I'm taking care of it and right now I feel ok after sleeping half the day.

Sometimes I think you think that I understand more about this stuff than I actually do. I did what you suggested and let myself stay in the feelings I was talking about yesterday so I could write from them. And oh, did I!!

...and I have a bit of delayed therapy hangover now. I feel wrung out and am going to take a nap.

E: Where are you? I know you will be going away for 2 weeks starting Monday (and how will I get through that?), but I’ve written 2 emails, desperate for help. Are you busy packing for your trip? Probably. I would have done anything to hear back, or talk to you when I am in severe distress. I had to call the crisis line last night. It took 45 minutes talking until I was calm and more regulated.

Please don’t leave me. I can’t lose you too.

T: This pain is the worst I’ve ever been in. This is how a secure attachment feels when someone leaves me? You are the first person I really felt safe with. Now I feel abandoned. I know that isn’t the situation, but I still feel that way.

How will I get through this massive grief?

Two more sleeps.
Too much to say

I give myself to 6 am before I give up and up for the day

This book is cool upon first glance through. You're gonna like it. I'm about to dive into one of the exercises using my mermaid deck. these cards are so pretty, aren't they?

Ah L. It's really ridiculous, you know. Absolutely, stupidly, annoyingly, freakingly ridiculous that after 10 ******* years of what I now see was pretty much all BS on my part, I have finally truly begun this work.

****. ****, ****, ****.

(this post is the result of my first piece written to a prompt from the tarot for writers book; I shuffled & cut the deck I'm using, pulled a card, and it was the 9 of wands, and the prompt I chose from that chapter was to write about an escape route. So naturally, I wrote about the time a few years ago when I almost ended my marriage. Of course that's the first dang thing that comes up. Of COURSE it is. Stupid cards. Bah.)

Dude I can't WAIT until Friday. I have so much to talk about. SO much. Make sure you eat your Wheaties that morning....

I really do love writing though. Even when it's hard and brings up stuff I'd rather not think about. Why did I ever let myself stop?!?!

See you tomorrow.
I'd be very grateful if you could let me know that you got my email, because that's the conversation we need to have.

How do I cope when there are no 'right' words?

Dear T,
Sorry I'm so neurotic and needy...I imagine your other clients don't burst into tears when you say you'll now be off during one of their regular days the next week... I'm glad you were so understanding and empathetic about it. That's not why I want to see you tomorrow--just realized, like I said, I had lots of stuff to talk about from this weekend (realized on my walk another reason I was triggered by the phone call), and I don't really want to wait until Thursday to do so.

Also, thanks for the reassurance when I apologized for referencing your birthday...

Love,
LT

Thanks for acknowledging my email.

We need to have the conversation, regardless of whether I want to do so.

My mom just asked me to go out to lunch with her tommorow. Going out to eat terrifies me. I haven't gone out since New Years. But I know how proud you'd be if I went out. I just need to push myself. I'll have my mom choose the restruant. That will make it easier on me not to have to make a decision.

I'm worried you're going to leave. You're the first therapist I've had I actually like, and it's really scaring me.

E: You haven't responded to my emails in the past week or so. Are you ok? I guess it is a good thing you will be on vacation for the next two weeks. OMG. I just realized that I said I hope you have fun when I have no clue if it was a vacation, or some personal tragedy. UGH. I'm sorry.

T: Well, I have a feeling you will be getting more emails in the next two weeks. I'm scared for Friday,

Thank you for your compassion today.
I didn't realise how much I needed to hear those particular words in relation to this situation.