Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

velcro003 · May 19, 2023 at 01:58 PM

E: OMG, i am losing you too?! I know you don’t take medicaid, and I know I can’t mooch off your kindness. I just didn’t know it was in the same time frame as losing T as well.

I am not ok. i don’t want to see another therapist.

Mountaindewed · May 19, 2023 at 04:09 PM

I think I've just been overly sensitive these last 2 days because my stomach pain seems to have gotten worse. So stuff I'd normally not pay attention to, or just brush off is bugging me now. Plus I haven't been sleeping well either these last 2 nights.

I used the anger iceberg we talked about and I realized I wasn't mad at the guy outside the store. I was just really in a **** ton of pain. Once I realized that was the issue I got my pillow with the arms and it helped a ton and I was able to think things out.

LonesomeTonight · May 19, 2023 at 05:33 PM

Dear T,
I tried to have that conversation with H tonight. I feel he sort of dodged the bigger question? "I just like garlic." But even though I asked multiple times, he didn't answer the overarching question. Sort of wish I could talk to you about it now. But Monday is fine. I didn't go into the bigger conversation about my work because it didn't seem he was in a place for it. Like, if I'd had success with the first one, I might have forged onward, but I feel that ended in an ambiguous place, so...

It was nice hearing you tell me that fable today, despite the rather dark ending. Like a parent reading to a child. I really don't think I'd ever heard it before.

And I know this is totally a transference and projecting thing, but I appreciated your responding to my "I'm sure you think you couldn't live with me" with "I wouldn't say that" (or whatever the exact words you used were). Though from the thing you shared about your wife, perhaps she's not all that different from me? Though...perhaps that's why at times you seem to empathize with H...

Love,
LT

LostOnTheTrail · May 19, 2023 at 06:07 PM

So weird to hear your name come up at work today.

Trying to trust my discomfort with the idea of seeking training through your organisation.

If it feels off, then it's not appropriate.

ArtieTheSequal · May 19, 2023 at 07:46 PM

Oh wow. I did NOT know that was going to happen today. I mean, I started with that for a reason, obviously, but still... I so didn't think it would take the whole session and go where it did. I appreciate everything you said, though, even the stuff that was hard to hear. I am going to do what you suggested and write it again as what it might look like if I did instead of why I didn't. And I'm going to write about that other question, as well. My tears today were for two reasons - I am so frustrated with myself, for not being able to take action on this, and because it is just sad all the way around.

Thank you for not judging me.

ArtieTheSequal · May 19, 2023 at 08:20 PM

Oh, and S could not meet me today, but we are now meeting for lunch tomorrow so that will get me out of the house for a few hours anyway.

ScarletPimpernel · May 19, 2023 at 09:38 PM

L,
Thank you for saying that you will come when I reach out. That meant so much to me, to my child parts. No one ever came when I cried out as a child. There was no one to soothe me. Going through these traumas hurts like hell, AND it is so reassuring that I'm not alone in it this time.

darkestpart · May 19, 2023 at 09:46 PM

hey t,

last session felt good. i didn’t expect you to be as open as you were… thanks for that.

me

velcro003 · May 19, 2023 at 09:59 PM

I'm not okay. I don't feel like I will ever be ok. I can't lose T and you E. no no no no. I do know you will be glad I reached out for help, and I am slightly calmer. Still, please don't leave me.

ArtieTheSequal · May 20, 2023 at 09:10 AM

I know what I wrote and I felt it to my core; I know what my intuition is saying to me. I hear it, I do. I don't know if it's my innate stubbornness, or fear of how hard it will be, or just plain fear of the unknown. And that last question you asked me - holy crap on a cracker that was a tough one. I am pretty sure that the answer is yes, I DO think that. And y'know what, because I think that, probably means that they will outlive me and it won't ever happen.

This all hurts so much.

ArtieTheSequal · May 20, 2023 at 10:48 AM

Writing through all of this is definitely helping me process it all though. And your unflinching honesty yesterday was just what I needed. Keep on doing that, okay? Thank you.

velcro003 · May 20, 2023 at 02:19 PM

Dear E: It seems more and more likely I might need to go to Wellness. I can’t believe I have to wait an entire week (that is a long time for me, right now) to talk to you about all of this. T’s email helped…a little. She said the meeting she proposed is not a termination meeting, but a way we all can brainstorm the next steps in the transition the best way you can.

You can see that I still do not feel reassured that you are planning on ending treatment too. Maybe not in the next two or three weeks, but soon. Before I feel ready, and I far from feeling ready.

ArtieTheSequal · 04:43 PM

I just got home from having lunch with my friend S, thank you for the idea I don't know why I never think of things like this on my own yes I do because I don't feel worthy of other people's time. We had a really good talk, she's one of the few people in my life I feel like I can be real with. Anyway while I was driving home I was thinking. I was like hmm. Is all this stuff going on with h right now just more of my previously-denied need for drama? And then it hit me all of a sudden - I can create all the ******* drama my little heart desires in my writing, and from there, it doesn't have to affect my life at all.

I shall now proceed to introduce "drama queen" to my keyboard. I'm sure they will get along famously!

LostOnTheTrail · May 21, 2023 at 03:16 AM

You know that Professional Lost is my favourite version of me.
I do my best to ensure that I can present that in the circumstances where I need to.
What happened at the meeting on Friday really threw me off.

Firework display brain, and I couldn't do a damn thing about it.

ArtieTheSequal · May 21, 2023 at 07:58 AM

i talked with h last night, using a couple suggestions from you and one from my friend S, and it went okay I guess, I mean he didn't go to bed pouting so I'll count it somewhat successful. He said I shouldn't be afraid of telling him what I'm feeling, that he needs time to do the things that he enjoys (watching tv), that he wants me to live my life and do things that make me happy like crocheting and going to lunch with my friends, that we should hire someone to clean the house because he's not going help me with it (ok then) and that I should keep going to my "head doctor".

Mountaindewed · May 21, 2023 at 02:14 PM

I think my weight shifted really suddenly. My hips seem to be gone now and my jeans fit good but my hoodies are fitting weirdly. Thats supposed to happen. My weight is supposed to shift to my stomach. I just hope we don't have too much of an issue with food and my weight at out next session.

ArtieTheSequal · 08:07 PM

Since you mentioned it again the other day - I checked to see if the CoDA meeting I used to go to was still in existence but it's not. You will be happy to hear, though, that I didn't stop there; I did a little further research on the website and found an online one that works for me day/time-wise and it starts an hour from now so I will be brave and log onto it and see how it goes. Yes, it was helpful when I went before and I dug out my book/workbook and am re-familiarizing myself with the info before the meeting starts.

eta: I enjoyed the meeting. I'm going to log onto this one again next Sunday evening. maybe I'll even get brave and share next week. We shall see. I'll spend some time working in the workbook again before then.

velcro003 · May 21, 2023 at 06:21 PM

T: I can't believe I told my parents. im exhausted. and now I might not see you this week if I get a bed.

E: I REALLY need to talk to you. If I am inpatient, I really, really hope they will still let me see you. That probably will be a stipulation.

Mountaindewed · May 22, 2023 at 02:21 PM

Sorry if I get you sick. It didn't fully hit me until I got home. I thought it was just my stomach again.

velcro003 · May 22, 2023 at 05:50 PM

I’m drowning. I feel like such a selfish, useless person. I hate myself.

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

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velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,361 15 25 hugs given	May 19, 2023 at 01:58 PM #261 E: OMG, i am losing you too?! I know you don’t take medicaid, and I know I can’t mooch off your kindness. I just didn’t know it was in the same time frame as losing T as well. I am not ok. i don’t want to see another therapist.

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,239 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,775 hugs given	May 19, 2023 at 08:20 PM #266 Oh, and S could not meet me today, but we are now meeting for lunch tomorrow so that will get me out of the house for a few hours anyway.

ScarletPimpernel Wise Elder Member Since Nov 2013 Location: US Posts: 8,412 (SuperPoster!) 10 6,430 hugs given	May 19, 2023 at 09:38 PM #267 L, Thank you for saying that you will come when I reach out. That meant so much to me, to my child parts. No one ever came when I cried out as a child. There was no one to soothe me. Going through these traumas hurts like hell, AND it is so reassuring that I'm not alone in it this time. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica

darkestpart Member Member Since May 2017 Location: US Posts: 66 6	May 19, 2023 at 09:46 PM #268 hey t, last session felt good. i didn’t expect you to be as open as you were… thanks for that. me __________________ Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.

velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,361 15 25 hugs given	May 19, 2023 at 09:59 PM #269 I'm not okay. I don't feel like I will ever be ok. I can't lose T and you E. no no no no. I do know you will be glad I reached out for help, and I am slightly calmer. Still, please don't leave me.

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,239 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,775 hugs given	May 20, 2023 at 10:48 AM #271 Writing through all of this is definitely helping me process it all though. And your unflinching honesty yesterday was just what I needed. Keep on doing that, okay? Thank you.

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 36,226 (SuperPoster!) 7 8,779 hugs given	May 21, 2023 at 02:14 PM #276 I think my weight shifted really suddenly. My hips seem to be gone now and my jeans fit good but my hoodies are fitting weirdly. Thats supposed to happen. My weight is supposed to shift to my stomach. I just hope we don't have too much of an issue with food and my weight at out next session. __________________ Ridin' with Biden

velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,361 15 25 hugs given	May 21, 2023 at 06:21 PM #278 T: I can't believe I told my parents. im exhausted. and now I might not see you this week if I get a bed. E: I REALLY need to talk to you. If I am inpatient, I really, really hope they will still let me see you. That probably will be a stipulation.

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 36,226 (SuperPoster!) 7 8,779 hugs given	May 22, 2023 at 02:21 PM #279 Sorry if I get you sick. It didn't fully hit me until I got home. I thought it was just my stomach again. __________________ Ridin' with Biden

velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,361 15 25 hugs given	May 22, 2023 at 05:50 PM #280 I’m drowning. I feel like such a selfish, useless person. I hate myself.