Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

bearybear · Jun 02, 2023, 06:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Wanted to just add a quick reply. I have maternal transference with my T, and sometimes I have sexual thoughts or dreams about her. We're both straight females. She says that my thoughts/dreams are about wanting comfort, connection, affection, and emotional intimacy. She thinks they're actually beautiful, and doesn't at all feel uncomfortable. I hope that helps.

Thank you so much for replying and sharing your experience and making me feel less alone, it’s made me feel really comforted. Me and my T are both females but she’s straight and I’m pansexual, which she knows. It’s tricky because I know that she knows that I have strong feelings towards her because I’ve told her I love her, and I am worried she’s put that together with my orientation and has already guessed that I have sexual thoughts towards her. She knew about my maternal transference before I brought it up and was waiting patiently for months for me to mention it - what if it’s like that and she already knows? It’s so nice the way your T reacted, I’m so happy you had that experience. If I told my T I would hope for her to respond in a similar way

ArtieTheSequal · Jun 03, 2023, 03:21 AM

that was a tough but good session today. one good thing that came out of it, it's very clear to me now the root of my codependency. you know me, i always have to know the 'why' about things so i'm glad to have figured that out at least.

ArtieTheSequal · Jun 03, 2023, 03:47 AM

but why the **** did it have to take so LONG to get here?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

ArtieTheSequal · 11:00 AM

the trauma thing only came up because of spending time with my family. damn it.

I wish we'd had more time with it yesterday.

LostOnTheTrail · Jun 03, 2023, 11:50 AM

I made another version of the artwork that I am very happy with.
I think you'll appreciate the piece, and it feels weirdly right to have new art to share with you on that day.

ArtieTheSequal · Jun 03, 2023, 03:45 PM

i'm not sure how i feel about this wanting more time. i'm bouncing back and forth about it. that's why i haven't said anything yet.

ArtieTheSequal · Jun 03, 2023, 09:34 PM

...and I'm confused. I don't recall ever mentioning IFS to you. Huh. If you have me confused with somebody else, that'll be my bye-bye sign right there.

Mountaindewed · Jun 04, 2023, 04:31 PM

You signed your email with a heart emoji which I thought was nice. At this point I think I'm ok to do in person. I'll see how I am in the morning though.

LonesomeTonight · Jun 04, 2023, 05:10 PM

Dear T,
My parents just continue to give me plenty of material for sessions. I apologize in advance if your head explodes when I tell you the karate camp thing.

Don't know if I should test again in the morning to be safe. I'm sure you'd say it's unnecessary, and I want to just trust my test from this afternoon. But I guess I should tomorrow again to be sure? Because I love you and all (and won't be meeting you outside like I did my parents).

Love,
LT

Camie1 · Jun 04, 2023, 05:17 PM

Dear T Thank you for taking the time to learn about my struggles with living with DID. We feel very validated by you accepting us as individuals. It means so much to us.

velcro003 · Jun 04, 2023, 05:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieTheSequal

but why the **** did it have to take so LONG to get here?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Hi Artie! I hope you don’t mind me responding to this. I have this same exact thought as well. Why on earth did it take my life completely falling apart to try and make changes? And yes-Why did it take so long and so much to do it? My therapists have said that it takes what it takes. They can’t force you to want to change. It has to come from us. I hate that! I don’t want to put in the work to help me feel better!

Ot sucks, but one of my therapists (i am inpatient) said to me today when I expressed regret for all the things I’ve lost. She told me that if I look at life constantly in to the rear view mirror, then of course life will pass me by. You are missing being in the present moment.

I don’t know, i rambled, sorry!

ArtieTheSequal · Jun 04, 2023, 06:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by velcro003

Hi Artie! I hope you don’t mind me responding to this. I have this same exact thought as well. Why on earth did it take my life completely falling apart to try and make changes? And yes-Why did it take so long and so much to do it? My therapists have said that it takes what it takes. They can’t force you to want to change. It has to come from us. I hate that! I don’t want to put in the work to help me feel better!

Ot sucks, but one of my therapists (i am inpatient) said to me today when I expressed regret for all the things I’ve lost. She told me that if I look at life constantly in to the rear view mirror, then of course life will pass me by. You are missing being in the present moment.

I don’t know, i rambled, sorry!

L has always told me "it takes as long as it takes"... I don't know how she has put up with my BS for so long, she told me one time that she is stubborn, well, she'd have to be to wait me out as patiently (most of the time anyway) as she has.

I hope inpatient is going well and being helpful for you.

ArtieTheSequal · 08:44 PM

L, gosh I am just so very grateful that you brought up the codependency thing again! You must have some spidey-sense or something that told you I was ready for it this time. This evening's meeting was so helpful.

LostOnTheTrail · Jun 05, 2023, 11:40 AM

Thank you so much for sitting 'in it' with me today.
Taking the rest of today one moment at a time, trying to afford myself some of the grace Steve so often spoke about.

How the hell has it been two years?

Mountaindewed · Jun 05, 2023, 11:50 AM

I really don't want to meet today. I want to sleep. I'm very tired and I'm coughing and hacking up phelgm and I don't see how today would be productive. But you have that super strict cancelation policy. Just know that if I'm not doing my best its me whos the one with the issue.

Mountaindewed · Jun 05, 2023, 01:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I really don't want to meet today. I want to sleep. I'm very tired and I'm coughing and hacking up phelgm and I don't see how today would be productive. But you have that super strict cancelation policy. Just know that if I'm not doing my best its me whos the one with the issue.

Well, today was not very productive at least to me. I think I got so close to throwing up and I just shut down at the end because the ipad was digging into the area I'm having the pain in. My issues aren't excatly therapy related and I don't have a lot of anxiety about the procedure on Thursday. But it was nice talking to you about how sometimes I keep my anxiety inside until it explodes. And you saying how you have to release it a bit at a time.

LonesomeTonight · Jun 05, 2023, 02:01 PM

Dear T,
It was nice seeing you in person again--I guess it had been 2 weeks between your schedule and my Covid.

I'm not sure how to feel about your bringing up the "I love you" thing. I know it was in the context of my writing. But it's interesting that I completely avoid even saying the word "love" when referencing that, whereas you actually said "the I love you." Maybe I need to write about it to really figure out what I'm feeling?

Love (haha),
LT

LostOnTheTrail · Jun 05, 2023, 04:17 PM

We talked today about the different degrees of the Holding It Together question.

I'm exhausted, but I still find myself asking the ultimate version.

Who the **** am I holding it together for, really?

ArtieTheSequal · Jun 05, 2023, 08:22 PM

I just wrote a poem about my refusal to do what you suggested last week. It's funny (strange? annoying? interesting?) that I really sometimes don't know how I feel about something until I start writing about it. I knew I felt strongly about not taking your suggestion, but if you'd asked me why I didn't want to, I wouldn't have known how to explain it. But I understand now. What I love so much about poetry is that so many of my poems seem to take on a life of their own, to write themselves, or some invisible force writes them, once I get the first line... it's that first line where I sometimes get hung up. But tonight, I got the first line after a few false starts, and as usual once I knew it was right, the rest of the poem flowed from there. Maybe I'll share it with you on Friday. Or not.

East17 · Jun 06, 2023, 01:19 AM

The first anniversary of J's death has already passed and now she's been gone 16 months, that just does not seem possible! What also doesn't seem possible is how much she is still in my head and my thoughts. It's not that I want to forget her, I just don't want to feel haunted by her memory. I wish so much that I could have talked to her one last time. But of course I can't bring myself to tell you that. It still feels too weird talking about deceased ex-T with current-T.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

MuddyBoots · Jun 06, 2023, 04:46 AM

I swear to God if you cancel this week and we don't do this pros and cons chart I'm going to get black out drunk and leave you a million messages saying what a bytch you are.

LostOnTheTrail · Jun 06, 2023, 12:05 PM

I felt so tired this morning.
On reflection it was more mentally drained.
Seven more sleeps until we can talk about it.

Of course, I might email if I can find the words.

Mountaindewed · Jun 06, 2023, 02:22 PM

I should tell you about why I read so much. And how I've read 39 books since November 2020. And that I barely read anything before that since 2015. I think you would find the reason pretty interesting.

ArtieTheSequal · Jun 07, 2023, 07:51 AM

What an interesting conversation we had in my head last night. Hmm.

velcro003 · Jun 07, 2023, 05:35 PM

E: I am regretting this decision. I want them back. It was a little reassuring that she said she wants to continue working on trauma with me.

T: Same fear with you. I think I am going to lose you first.

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