Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I've been really lazy about writing down dreams this week... 3 times now that I recall I woke up and knew there was just a dream there but rolled over and went back to sleep without writing them down. Shame on me, I know. Oh well. I'll try to do better tonight and tomorrow night.

Thank you for those moments of human to human connection.

We are in a deep place at the moment, and one where I think I'm finally asking the right questions.

'We weren't meant to do this alone' really struck a chord with me today.

Sometimes, it's not ministry that we need, it's other people.

Recognising what this experience has done to me and my life is something best done gradually, I think.

Thanks for sitting with me through that process.

E and T- Help. Please.

SO ready to talk tomorrow.

Well after 4 good consecutive sessions, this week's bombed...

I suppose it had to happen, but I'd prefer consistency rather than this up and down pattern we seem to have in our therapy. I just get comfortable and feel that we're in this for the long haul, then a really **** session happens and I'm back to wondering if it's time to call it a day.

Hell's bells!

Dear T: Please help me. Thanks. Kit

I spent a significant part of today thinking about contacting the suicide loss support group to get the paperwork that I need if I want to attend an in-person session.

It's only an email, or a phone call.

The person I met at the Cathedral said that she'd be the one I'd speak to if I rang the mobile number...

What difference does it make?

Thanks for today. It's been really helpful talking through these realizations with you. It must be hard to sit there and not say mmhmmm I tooooooold you. lol

You guys can’t help. No one can.

Dear T,
It means a lot that you thanked me for sharing my writing and told me "Keep writing" when I left yesterday. I'm glad I shared that with you (though I might feel differently had I shared the actual version I sent for critique!) I think it's leading to some interesting discussions. I'll be curious to hear some of your notes from our first session on Monday.

I also appreciate your noting one way that you've seen me progress since the first year I saw you. (And I agree with your assessment.) One reason I chose to leave ex-T is how she said, nearly 6 years in, how I was still so anxious all the time. I imagine it was really about her fearing she hadn't helped me. But it seemed like she didn't see my progress, in that area or others.

I know it's ultimately up to me to decide whether I've made progress or not--and how to feel about that--but it helps hearing it from the outside, too. Hm...maybe that's something I missed from my parents, too...and why getting good grades in school meant so much to me.

Love,
LT

I can't afford to see you anymore. I can't afford to live anymore.

I was watching This is Us tonight, the episode where Jack cries at the end.

My question still stands...'Who the hell am I holding it together for?'

I don't know what it's going to take for me to cross that threshold, and I'm not sure I want to find out.

I strive to be authentically 'Lost' every time we talk, but this fragile version of me isn't a version of me that I like.

T-I am so sorry for texting you on a weekend. You probably won’t even get it until it’s too late to talk, anyway.

I am not okay, and I do not see another way out.

Dear T,

I am so drawn to this new potential T that I found, that I am sure I will go along for a session with her. And as much as I believe in honesty in the therapeutic relationshop, I'm not even sure I will tell you about it. I took one look at her webpage and something just felt right, when so many others have seemed wrong. I'm sad that she doesn't have any availability right now, but we have conversed by email and she has said she might have availability in May. That's only four weeks away really. I have no idea when that session might be, though, but I'm definitely going to get back in touch with her in a few weeks time. Her room just looked so much more open, and she actively states that she works creatively, and when we talked about what that means, we were both talking along the same lines. She also works with nature a lot and can do walk talks too, which could be good for me sometimes. Again, I have no idea if it wil work in practice, but I'm definitely going to give it a go, even if that means seeing both of you at the same time while I figure it out. Sadly it just isn't working between us for some reason and I feel foolish to keep trying at this point.

I've been doing a lot of writing already and it's only Sunday. Yeesh.

Thank you for sitting with me in the weight of the 'was'.

'Steve was my friend,' shouldn't have such a landmine impact all this time later.

I've had a lot of time to get used to it.

Dear T,
I'm not sure where all the stuff came from today about the OCD. I've apparently been holding onto it a long time, though I guess it came up somewhat recently (then I dropped it). I wonder if you were afraid I'd say something regarding being obsessive about you? I mean, yeah, that's there at times, but the other stuff is more disruptive to my life day to day.

I don't know why I feel so much shame around it. It's a diagnosed mental illness. Maybe some of this helps you understand why I struggle to get constructive things done, like writing or cleaning. But like I said, it makes me feel dirty. I don't know what that's about, or what that's the word that comes to mind (especially as some of it relates to fear of contamination). Clearly, it's something we need to spend more time on. And getting me to a place where I can eventually get that test done, though that mostly involves issues other than OCD.

Also, it does bother me that you seem to think I can't do that 100 miles in a month thing. I almost want to do it now just to prove you wrong. Is that a bad reason to do it? Maybe. But if it improves my physical health, maybe it doesn't matter the reason? I know you want me to set realistic goals and not beat myself up if I can't do something. But I think it's worth trying?

I do still want to talk about my first session with you, for you to look back on your first impressions. I wonder if that's something we could do Friday, before you go on vacation? As it would hopefully be a bit lighter and also connecting.

Love,
LT

When I'm in a space where I want to run away or change the subject, please help me stay with it.

Until I get the courage and confidence to attend the support group, you're it.

I don't feel entitled to my grief for Steve in the same way as I have to my other experiences and processes.

Dear T,
OK, I ended up emailing. I wasn't sure about whether to include that last bit, but I keep thinking about and feeling weird about it, so I felt I needed to mention it. And I'd feel awkward bringing that up in person. But I'd rather you not refer to those things unless we're specifically discussing them.

Please be kind and nondefensive in your response. I don't want things to be weird right before you go away. But had I not sent something, I might have been afraid to bring some of these things up Wednesday--and certainly not Friday--then they might have festered and become a bigger thing while you were away. When now, hopefully, they can be defused more quickly. Hopefully.

And I really don't think this is me trying to push you away before you go out of town--these things would have bothered me at any time. I just would have been more likely to wait to talk about them in person.

Love,
LT

Oh my word, I really, really, really, really don't want to do this this morning. This is the closest I've ever come to just driving home again. I thought therapy was supposed to make you feel better, not 100 times worse.