Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I can't afford to see you anymore. I can't afford to live anymore.

I was watching This is Us tonight, the episode where Jack cries at the end.

My question still stands...'Who the hell am I holding it together for?'

I don't know what it's going to take for me to cross that threshold, and I'm not sure I want to find out.

I strive to be authentically 'Lost' every time we talk, but this fragile version of me isn't a version of me that I like.

T-I am so sorry for texting you on a weekend. You probably won’t even get it until it’s too late to talk, anyway.

I am not okay, and I do not see another way out.

Dear T,

I am so drawn to this new potential T that I found, that I am sure I will go along for a session with her. And as much as I believe in honesty in the therapeutic relationshop, I'm not even sure I will tell you about it. I took one look at her webpage and something just felt right, when so many others have seemed wrong. I'm sad that she doesn't have any availability right now, but we have conversed by email and she has said she might have availability in May. That's only four weeks away really. I have no idea when that session might be, though, but I'm definitely going to get back in touch with her in a few weeks time. Her room just looked so much more open, and she actively states that she works creatively, and when we talked about what that means, we were both talking along the same lines. She also works with nature a lot and can do walk talks too, which could be good for me sometimes. Again, I have no idea if it wil work in practice, but I'm definitely going to give it a go, even if that means seeing both of you at the same time while I figure it out. Sadly it just isn't working between us for some reason and I feel foolish to keep trying at this point.

I've been doing a lot of writing already and it's only Sunday. Yeesh.

Thank you for sitting with me in the weight of the 'was'.

'Steve was my friend,' shouldn't have such a landmine impact all this time later.

I've had a lot of time to get used to it.

Dear T,
I'm not sure where all the stuff came from today about the OCD. I've apparently been holding onto it a long time, though I guess it came up somewhat recently (then I dropped it). I wonder if you were afraid I'd say something regarding being obsessive about you? I mean, yeah, that's there at times, but the other stuff is more disruptive to my life day to day.

I don't know why I feel so much shame around it. It's a diagnosed mental illness. Maybe some of this helps you understand why I struggle to get constructive things done, like writing or cleaning. But like I said, it makes me feel dirty. I don't know what that's about, or what that's the word that comes to mind (especially as some of it relates to fear of contamination). Clearly, it's something we need to spend more time on. And getting me to a place where I can eventually get that test done, though that mostly involves issues other than OCD.

Also, it does bother me that you seem to think I can't do that 100 miles in a month thing. I almost want to do it now just to prove you wrong. Is that a bad reason to do it? Maybe. But if it improves my physical health, maybe it doesn't matter the reason? I know you want me to set realistic goals and not beat myself up if I can't do something. But I think it's worth trying?

I do still want to talk about my first session with you, for you to look back on your first impressions. I wonder if that's something we could do Friday, before you go on vacation? As it would hopefully be a bit lighter and also connecting.

Love,
LT

When I'm in a space where I want to run away or change the subject, please help me stay with it.

Until I get the courage and confidence to attend the support group, you're it.

I don't feel entitled to my grief for Steve in the same way as I have to my other experiences and processes.

Dear T,
OK, I ended up emailing. I wasn't sure about whether to include that last bit, but I keep thinking about and feeling weird about it, so I felt I needed to mention it. And I'd feel awkward bringing that up in person. But I'd rather you not refer to those things unless we're specifically discussing them.

Please be kind and nondefensive in your response. I don't want things to be weird right before you go away. But had I not sent something, I might have been afraid to bring some of these things up Wednesday--and certainly not Friday--then they might have festered and become a bigger thing while you were away. When now, hopefully, they can be defused more quickly. Hopefully.

And I really don't think this is me trying to push you away before you go out of town--these things would have bothered me at any time. I just would have been more likely to wait to talk about them in person.

Love,
LT

Oh my word, I really, really, really, really don't want to do this this morning. This is the closest I've ever come to just driving home again. I thought therapy was supposed to make you feel better, not 100 times worse.

Now I know that you're struggling with little sleep and have no carer for H today, I don't feel able to send what I was going to email prior to session. I appreciate you only asked to push the session back by 1/2hr, when you could have cancelled it altogether. But I'm still paying for your time and now I feel like I'm taking care of you.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

E: One more day. I am barely holding on.

T: You’ve been amazing in keeping me calm over the very painful weekend. I have a feeling you won’t get any cancellations, so I will see you on Friday.

I wanna do that thing with the cards again. And maybe a sand tray. Both holding the same question in mind.

Dear T,
Nervous to talk to you today. Especially as we then only have Friday before you're away for 10 days...well, at least there will be 10 days before I see you--of course I don't know when you'll actually be away, and you won't tell me or give me a sense of where you're going or how you're getting there. I do wonder if some of this reaction of mine is because you'll be away, like maybe I'm trying to put space between us to make it easier in a way? I don't know. You probably wouldn't understand that if I tried to explain it.
Love,
LT

Thanks for your kind words.
Maybe I'll get to a point where this time of year doesn't feel like it's going to sink me.

Dear T. I know you are going away from 12 April to 26 April to Ohio. I don't remember if you said we would have sessions while you are away. If so my next session might be the last session before you leave for a few weeks. I don't know how I feel about that. I guess I should ask you. I suppose it can wait until next session. I should have thought faster yesterday to ask you. Kit

Perhaps that email should've been notes for the session.
I felt some measure of your usual compassion, and an element of something more akin to 'You can do this.'

Cheerleading isn't something I am used to from you.

There's something really odd about being in two different grief spaces at the exact same time...and I need to know you understand that.

E: I can’t believe I actually told you that I maybe had a memory show up after scrolling through reddit. I am not surprised it didn’t take you long to get it mostly right; how do you T’s do that? Hone in on things like that? I managed to say something about it, but yeah, definitely needed to be contained/grounding needed
to happen. I’ve never disappeared like that when I closed my eyes. Weird.

Unless I write it down, I am pretty sure I won’t be able to tell you. Except, how does one write something down that is so vague, nebulous, and maybe not even true? Or maybe I am making you think it is a bigger deal than it is. I don’t know.

I am having a terrible time in therapy at the moment

Part of me is dreading this next session, part of me can’t wait because I’m desperately attached to T. I don’t know how I’ve got myself into this situation. Part of me feels worse than I did when I started therapy. But I don’t feel able to stop because I need her in my life now I’m attached, even when it feels terrible and I seriously wonder if this is good for me, or I have a feeling it isn’t. And I hate to admit that but it’s true.

Doing EMDR must be the easiest sessions ever for a therapist. Just being like ‘what do you notice…i don’t want to know details…how do you feel, just notice that…go with that…notice that…notice that…notice that…notice that… go with that…go with that…notice that…go with that…then boom end of session - hundred quid please see you next time BYE!’

Thanks for retraumatising me. Thanks for making me feel more alone than I already do. Thanks for making me feel like you don’t care or want to listen to my trauma. Thanks for making me feel so invalid and not worth listening to. Thanks for making me feel like I can’t talk about my trauma. I’ve spent years in silence with no one to talk to. I finally trust you and want to share it with you, and you’re cutting me off and not letting me speak and not answering my questions and making me process stuff on my own in silence? I know you love EMDR, T, but I gotta be honest with you, it’s not working for me. I can’t tell you because I want to please you and I’m attached to you and I don’t want you to reject me for feeling this way or accuse me of not trying hard enough or not committing to it or not wanting to face the pain. But this isn’t working it’s not helping. This sucks for me, it’s tearing me apart inside and making me feel worse.

E: WHY?’ Why did I tell you the very basics of the memory that popped up. I only really processed the worst part about it, after I left. Now what? How can I hold onto this horrific fact about myself that probably has pushed my self-hatred to a new level-How can I live with this. I need to tell you the rest. I am just afraid that I will be ok waiting a week. While I do not want you to know any of this about me, we already went too deep with the little info I gave you today.

I wish I could really disappear, instead of doing it only when I close my eyes.

Dear T,

Thank you. For trying new things. For adapting your style of therapy more to suit my messed up brain. I really do appreciate it. I am going to make you a card to say thank you. This is one hell of a rollercoaster isn't it. I am sure I did warn you when we started! By deciding to leave I am now finding myself wanting to stay. I'm not surprised, because I have been through this push/pull before, I just wish I didn't make it so difficult. I wonder if I could have just politely asked you to try working more creatively? I wonder if that would have 'worked'? Did I do that? I don't think I did. No, instead I was all triggered by that terrible session and decided leaving was the only option I had! Oh silly me.

Today was tough, but in a really productive way. There's no way I would have said those two words unless we had done what we did, I know that, and I'm pleased that together we found a way, but it didn't stop me feeling like a baby learning to talk. And whilst I do appreciate the constant "well done"s and the "you are doing so well" it can feel a little patronising at times! I don't want you to stop though!!

Anyway, yeah, thanks for hearing me and for finding other ways, it means a lot and is really helpful!!

David says something to the effect of 'Believing that you deserve what you want might be the most radical path a human being can take.'

There's no question that I need more help.
It's OK that I need more help.
Why can't I ****ing ask for it?

I can't believe you have 75 clients. My delusional self thought you only had maybe 35-40 the way you act like I'm your only one when we are meeting.