Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

LonesomeTonight · Sep 25, 2023 at 04:55 PM

Dear T,
I don't think I can talk about this, but right at the end of session today--maybe it was because I was wearing my glasses right after we'd scheduled? But I was looking at you and for a minute, it was like I really saw *you*, like I was taking in the gray in your beard, almost like I was seeing you as this whole person? Not some idealized being. Maybe it's because you told me about the arthritis in your ankles and also your recent athletic victory. I don't know. It felt meaningful in some way.

Or maybe it just means I need to be wearing my glasses for more than reading and driving...

Love,
LT

ArtieTheSequal · Sep 25, 2023 at 06:44 PM

oops.

i'm sorry.

you know if you don't respond to my check-in i'm going to sit over here worrying that you're dead.

damn it.

ArtieTheSequal · Sep 25, 2023 at 06:49 PM

i hate my brain

MuddyBoots · Sep 25, 2023 at 07:15 PM

Dear J,
really curious as to what you think my "secret" is. Do you know I've done multiple things that could've gotten me arrested today? Do you know I'm off my meds? Do you know I have an obsession with the person that let me stay with them and I'm incredibly upset they put up boundaries (that I'm going to respect)? Or is it something else? Or is it something you've made up?

I'll be honest with pdoc tomorrow. About why I'm super itchy right now and that I'm only on some meds anyways. I hope she bans me from benzos forever.

ScarletPimpernel · Sep 25, 2023 at 07:26 PM

L,
I really feel like you were cold to me today. Just not emotionally with me. Maybe too much into logical. Idk. I also feel that I've been taking a lot of the blame lately instead of you owning your part of the dance. Something is off, L, and it's not just me. I almost read you as being mad, but I know that can't be it. But you are definitely not coming off as nurturing or even trying to be emotionally present with me.

OafFish · Sep 25, 2023 at 09:29 PM

My t talks to much, listens too little, and I don’t really feel like I look forward to seeing them. I kind of want to just get it out of the way. Fortunately I only have to go every two weeks.

ArtieTheSequal · Sep 25, 2023 at 09:41 PM

will the height of my stupidity ever be reached?
will I never learn?!

Elio · Sep 26, 2023 at 09:54 AM

Dr. S, I started wondering if I choose to see Dr. P over Dr. G as a form of punishment. Yes, it has a logical base. I can pretty much come up with logical bases for many of my decisions. Emotionally, Dr. G would have given me so much more that I crave and got/get from you. So am I denying myself pleasures/enjoyment/joy/good feelings because I want to make myself suffer? If I'm suppose to go with my intuition on this; I would say I am.

I wish you would stop telling me how much you think I will enjoy working with Dr. P and how glad you are that I am seeing him. It feels like you are trying to ease your own guilt than support me. And maybe that is accurate. It also feels right.

ArtieTheSequal · 12:05 PM

ah so i am also wondering if you are not responding to my check-in email because it's too much therapy-related, and if that's the case, I really should know better after so many years, but... it honestly was just, me being caught up in the excitement of clarity; and there's also the possibility that you've read on my poetry blog again and realized a couple of the new ones are more than a little bit about/to you and you just plain don't know how to respond. I get both of those reasons, and thinking about them as why, feels a lot better than worrying you are dead. Now maybe I will stop googling obituaries. I really hate my brain. I'm the one that left therapy, but I still.can't.let.you.go.

ArtieTheSequal · 12:17 PM

...at least I'm not obsessively checking my email anymore. there's a certain, well, comfort and sort of strength in myself (not sure that's the right word?) I've found in sitting with your non-response and figuring out the most likely why behind it. I am choosing to believe that you are not dead, that you read my check-in email and thought it was too much therapy-related so did not respond for that reason, chalking the sending of it up to my excitement at the clarity I was feeling at the time of sending, and leaving it at that.

Perhaps I have learned something after all in the umpteen years since we met.

MuddyBoots · Sep 27, 2023 at 12:10 PM

T,
can you teach me how to give a flying fk?

ArtieTheSequal · Sep 27, 2023 at 02:03 PM

oh and L? I think you should warn people at the very start about what a difficult and convoluted relationship this can become. I don't know if I'll ever be able to emotionally break away from you; I just need to figure out how to live with that.

Mountaindewed · Sep 27, 2023 at 03:34 PM

You didn't say anything but I could tell by your face you werent happy about me only having 10 saltine crackers to eat today. I'm glad we actually discussed more of my fears snd is and what is worrying me right now. I seemed more focused today. You also got my Hefflelumps reference when I said I felt deluisional from dehydration this past weekend.

Elio · Sep 28, 2023 at 10:41 AM

Talk of medical/legal

Hi Dr. S,

Possible trigger:

I was looking to update my will binder so that I put you and a the friend you were to contact as people to be updated upon my death.
I read the parts of my advance directive that instructed my health care decision person to contact you should the advance directive be used for assistance in knowing my wishes. I wondered how long in the future I should let that stay active then I realized that even in the 3 weeks we haven't seen each other - that you don't know me anymore. You really couldn't tell that person where my head was or what my current desires are. I left it as a valid entry until the end of this year.

I also made note around the part of 'if I was still under your care'. I changed it to basically say that you are not to be refused access to me and that if I am not able to request a visit from you, they are to request one. I don't know when I will change that/remove that. Maybe it's stupid to have it in there in the first place. I guess I will see how tomorrow goes and what I feel after meeting with you.

I think I am to the point where I am missing the idea of you/us more than actually missing you.

And I worry that me stopping early will have made you see me differently and you won't give me the same considerations you did in the past; should we ever cross paths again.

- me

MuddyBoots · Sep 28, 2023 at 12:34 PM

Rehab/PHP was all for naught. :YLou can't force me to change.

Lemoncake · Sep 28, 2023 at 01:55 PM

Day 10 of gym done.

Ha the story about getting passive aggressive emails was funny, not a good look for your brand.

(None of them were from me)

LonesomeTonight · Sep 28, 2023 at 04:15 PM

Dear T,
Is it that I wish you would say more? Or is it that I have trouble believing some of the things you *did* say? Maybe a mix of both?

I want to mean something to you--not just "I value you as a client", but "I value you." But I really don't think I can say that out loud. It makes me feel shame to even think it. And I really don't want you reiterating the nature of the relationship. I can certainly think of people I knew solely professionally (that I wouldn't consider friends) that I valued.

But I wonder if this is something important to talk about, not in terms of you specifically, but about the effect I want to have on others? Do I need others to value me that way in order for me to value myself, say? And how can I shift that script?

Love,
LT

Mountaindewed · Sep 28, 2023 at 08:20 PM

If you thought my high libido talk was about you, it wasn't. Anyways though its back to normal now after getting back on the Prestiq the pharamacy was out of for a couple days. I don't know. I think its back to normal. Idk. It wasn't about my transference T either. I was having some strange thoughts though. This is a pretty tricky situation to be in honestly. Because like it could happen, but I'm not sure how it would play out. And I know we have been meeting for close to a year, but I'm not sure I want to spill it all.

ScarletPimpernel · Sep 28, 2023 at 11:50 PM

I'm the only one in your life who doesn't get to meet and celebrate your baby.

MuddyBoots · 04:24 AM

If I’m shaking like a tweaker in session today, it’s because, well, I am a tweaker…
We need to discuss this kinda bull shyt today

My drinking over the past 36 hours is worse than it was before the programs. Lotta good forcing me into that did, eh?

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

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ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert of my soul Posts: 7,604 (SuperPoster!) 4 6,016 hugs given	Sep 25, 2023 at 06:44 PM #762 oops. i'm sorry. you know if you don't respond to my check-in i'm going to sit over here worrying that you're dead. damn it.

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert of my soul Posts: 7,604 (SuperPoster!) 4 6,016 hugs given	Sep 25, 2023 at 06:49 PM #763 i hate my brain

OafFish Poohbah Member Since Jul 2022 Location: The Far West Posts: 1,236 2	Sep 25, 2023 at 09:29 PM #766 My t talks to much, listens too little, and I don’t really feel like I look forward to seeing them. I kind of want to just get it out of the way. Fortunately I only have to go every two weeks.

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert of my soul Posts: 7,604 (SuperPoster!) 4 6,016 hugs given	Sep 25, 2023 at 09:41 PM #767 will the height of my stupidity ever be reached? will I never learn?!

MuddyBoots Monster on the Hill Member Since Sep 2020 Location: by the river Posts: 5,527 (SuperPoster!) 4 6,436 hugs given	Sep 27, 2023 at 12:10 PM #771 T, can you teach me how to give a flying fk? __________________ [Insert thought-provoking and comedic quote here]

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert of my soul Posts: 7,604 (SuperPoster!) 4 6,016 hugs given	Sep 27, 2023 at 02:03 PM #772 oh and L? I think you should warn people at the very start about what a difficult and convoluted relationship this can become. I don't know if I'll ever be able to emotionally break away from you; I just need to figure out how to live with that.

MuddyBoots Monster on the Hill Member Since Sep 2020 Location: by the river Posts: 5,527 (SuperPoster!) 4 6,436 hugs given	Sep 28, 2023 at 12:34 PM #775 Rehab/PHP was all for naught. :YLou can't force me to change. __________________ [Insert thought-provoking and comedic quote here]

Lemoncake Roses are falling. Member Since May 2017 Location: Seattle. Posts: 9,955 (SuperPoster!) 7 10.5k hugs given	Sep 28, 2023 at 01:55 PM #776 Day 10 of gym done. Ha the story about getting passive aggressive emails was funny, not a good look for your brand. (None of them were from me) __________________

ScarletPimpernel Wise Elder Member Since Nov 2013 Location: US Posts: 8,741 (SuperPoster!) 11 7,258 hugs given	Sep 28, 2023 at 11:50 PM #779 I'm the only one in your life who doesn't get to meet and celebrate your baby. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica