Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Hugs, Scarlet.

Well, yesterday was update day. I finally sent you an email. I had gotten through all my Oct appointments and had the results of them. I still have more things coming. The email was like writing a goodbye letter to you and maybe it will be. Your response was nice, it was ok - better than I feared. It also didn't really have any openings or welcoming statements for more emails from me. I know I can email you. I also know ... or is it believe... that I'm not suppose to. Norms so confusing - the norm or guideline here is that we ended so other than by fate, we should not have any further interaction. But that is just a norm, a guideline... an ethical stance in a field where things are far from normal and to some degree voyeuristic.

Yesterday was very hard day. A very painful day.

I wanted to email you again today - it wasn't as strong as I think it could have been. Then again, I've been using my not so helpful coping mechanisms. And I' m coping. Which, I am in need of coping.

So much of our work was about how I didn't have to follow rules that I make up or that I believe society imposes on me - here I find myself stuck in the place of.... if I make myself follow this guideline at whatever cost, am I doing the right thing or is the right thing doing what will not have a damaging/harmful price to pay and allow you to say if my behavior is not ok with you specifically - regardless of the guideline.

And how much of the polite, warm, but also distant form of replies can I take before I start reading into what is not said all the bad things about me?

It really is a mind f.

ETA - I think the truth is, I'm suppose to find coping ways of dealing with the change (grief) that does not include contacting you and is not damaging or harmful. The problem is that's not what I want, and it always sucks to be forced to not have what one wants.

Hey. My anxiety is so high today I have absolutely no focus. If I had any freaking PTO that isn't already earmarked for future dr appointments, i would have called out sick from work today i feel that bad. I'm glad we're meeting tomorrow afternoon; I may just want to come in, lay down on the couch, and sleep for an hour... let you go about your life and just come wake me up when it's time for me to leave. heh like you'd ever let me do that

As a result of our conversation yesterday, particularly 'I am allowed to ask for help, and it is good for me to do so', my colleague H now knows about the importance of 'You are safe' to me when I'm in a heightened state.

I am still not comfortable with asking for this kind of support...it's not like they need to break out the First Aid kit when I spiral...but I've taken the first step.

I'm not ready to email you yet.

I'm a bit high on melatonin right now. But I keep thinking of that picture of you 100 pounds less and looking pissed and its a bit of a turn on.

Its like the song Fire And The Flood.

But yeah. Sometimes I like you.

sometimes i hate how well you see me and at the same time i'm so grateful for it i want to hug you.

Well done Lost. That’s great progress!

Dr. S - So I emailed you again yesterday morning. Based on the conversations I had with others, I thought it was ok. I still think like it was ok I feel like it wasn't. You haven't replied and a part of me doesn't want you to reply until like Monday. I don't want it to be further out than Monday. I was trying to live by no rules and that's not going to work. And I am so sorry for emailing you again so soon. It's suppose to be ok but if I am not strong enough - then it isn't ok - not because of you but because of me.

The other side of the coin...

Last night I was sitting with the SL forum open...five minutes before the deadline to sign up for their next Zoom group tomorrow.

I had the form in front of me, but couldn't fill it out.

Dear T,

Thinking of you tonight as I was quite near your office while going to my mother-in-law's apartment. Also earlier today when I questioned H as to why he didn't tell his mother that he didn't want what she was making for his birthday dinner.

I realized that it showed a shift in me--how I could see, say, 5 years ago, if my own mother had said "I'm just going to make x for your dinner, is that OK?" I likely would have just agreed, even if it wasn't something I particularly wanted (I mean, if she said she was going to make a steak, I'd have been like, "Hello, I've been vegetarian for 25 years!") But now, even if she just stated what she was making, without a question, or she said we'd go to some restaurant I didn't like, I'd speak up. I'd advocate for myself now, rather than just going the people-pleasing route and being unhappy.

My work with you is responsible for that shift. Among other things. Thank you for that.

Love,
LT

your response made me good-cry a little. thank you so much for saying that; it was exactly what I needed to hear.

Feeling happy again.

There's no more indecision either- going back to you for even a single one off session wouldn't be a good idea. I reread the older messages from July on friday. It was cruel to not even reply properly back then and just shut down with refund talk only.

I forgive you for not being what I wanted, needed and everything in between.

Moving onwards and upwards now.

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? When in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back" .

i'm really thankful that you continue to put up with me. sometimes i really wonder how you do it, because i have such a hard time putting up with myself.

I'm there with you. My head knows there's no going back. My heart is slowly, ever so slowly getting there.

Dr. S - this is so hard for me to figure out - we spent so much time trying to get me to not be so rigid with my behaviors; to not make unnecessary rules and me thinking that making such rules were some how a defect. Now, when I read about how to get over the loss of a person - end of a relationship or death; they list many of the tools I use to make rules. Maybe I wasn't so wrong after all.

I thought I was ready for a lack of reply or maybe I should say a delayed reply. It has only been 48 hours. A reply may come tomorrow, may come later today, may come next week... and may never come - you may have misread my words and think no reply is expected/desired. I did ask for a reply that at least acknowledged you received my email.

We will see if a reply happens and if so, what it contains.
-me

I don't know if you'll aprove or not. Or if you think its just more restriction stuff. Or if my doctor will have an issue with things too because of vitamins and stuff.

It comes in waves. You will get there when you get there Elio. Try to be gentle with yourself. I'm sat crying about this ending now amongst other things. Was okay with it yesterday. Not so much today.

There's a huge difference just a day makes.

----

I need to head to the gym later. I was also crying because

Can I like you without it being transference? You don't suspect a thing.

At this moment - I hope I never hear from you again. I am so angry and hurt.

It surely does. Thanks.

J,
next week can we have some sort of open discussion with S about what he should do should me living with him become too much, if my mental health is a wreck and I'm too much trouble, if I become a danger, etc.? I don't want to ruin him like I ruined my family.

Dear T,

Sometimes you are so unbelievably f***ing useless. If I paid for quality of service received you'd have lost 40% off your fee by that one line alone. Honestly, what the hell are we doing here? We are supposed to be making things better, not worse! F**k off back to your little hole and leave me alone, please!

Dear T,

This work thing is really stressing me out. I'm worried my response was a bit too defensive and I'll get fired. But I didn't mess those references up--I spent a lot of time on them trying to adhere to the style guide. I also worry I messed up H's birthday by being snippy this morning because I was stressed about this, plus D was all upset. Though if his birthday is that easily messed up...

Wish I could talk to you for a few minutes.... I imagine I'd have missed the email window this morning, so you wouldn't get back to me till tomorrow anyway, and I'll be seeing you at noon, so... And hopefully it will be resolved by then? I just hope I hear back something OK from the organization this morning. Doesn't help that with the time zone differences, it would be nighttime for the actual person who emailed me. Hopefully, my main contact, who is in my time zone, will respond this morning...

Love,
LT

i'm feeling pretty happy this morning, L. I was struggling with some difficult feelings on Friday and have continued that work in my journal since then, and had yet another aha this morning while writing with regards to why I keep coming back to therapy. Huh.