Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

LostOnTheTrail · Apr 16, 2023 at 01:26 PM

I've scheduled an email that you'll receive tomorrow.
The Critic is being particularly vicious about this conversation.
Of course, the closer I get to the 'truth', the louder it gets.

What I'm really saying is 'Don't leave me alone in this conversation', I guess.

AliceKate · Apr 17, 2023 at 11:29 AM

you sang

Mountaindewed · Apr 17, 2023 at 11:44 AM

I guess I can't complain much about how I'm annoyed that you switched our session to remote since I did the same thing last week. But I just had some stuff to talk about that I don't really have the privacy to talk about in my house.

Mountaindewed · Apr 17, 2023 at 01:31 PM

Did I offend you in any way today? Our session seemed a bit off. Well you kinda seemed off. Although it may have had nothing to do with me since you had to switch to zoom suddenly. So it could have been personal. I'm worried I word vomitted a bit since I was so close to actually vomitting. You just seemed kinda standoffish at times.

SlumberKitty · Apr 17, 2023 at 05:12 PM

46 hours until I can talk to you.

Mountaindewed · Apr 17, 2023 at 06:26 PM

I've never had a therapist do a session lying down on their side. Or lying down at all. Kinda werid, kinda interesting. I did a pdoc appointment lying down on my side in bed one time though. Just a bizzare session all around. It made me feel weird all day. You said you dealt with "eating disorder stuff" in highschool. So idk. Maybe I do say **** I shouldn't.

LostOnTheTrail · Apr 18, 2023 at 12:14 PM

Thanks for acknowledging my email.
I appreciated your use of the word 'gently', because that seems to be key to all of this.
There's next to nothing gentle about it.

SlumberKitty · Apr 18, 2023 at 04:50 PM

I guess thanks for checking in on me. But you really didn't say anything helpful. "Okay" Isn't particularly helpful. Please show up with your A game tomorrow. Thanks. Kit

Elio · Apr 18, 2023 at 04:51 PM

I'm worried that you are going to terminate me today or say that terminating me is the only way to get me the more support I asked for.

I know it's a risk; it's in the set of possibles. This one I think is 50/50. What I don't know is if it is what you want - do you want to get rid of me. You've always said there are easier ways than this.

How do I trust you/this? I know you can care about me and terminate me at the same time. I'm f**** up. I want to say... just forget what I wrote. 1.66 hours to go. I've done pretty good up until the last hour or so. Now I wish I would have asked you about it last night.

darkestpart · Apr 18, 2023 at 06:31 PM

hi t,

were you cooking dinner while we were talking earlier? it definitely sounded like it. thanks for saying you like and respect me - it wasn’t necessary, but it does make me feel safer in our relationship.

me

LonesomeTonight · Apr 18, 2023 at 07:41 PM

Dear T,
I feel a little sad that I won't be seeing you tomorrow, but at the moment I'm good with just seeing you Thursday. And maybe that's a good day to be seeing you because it's D's birthday, and I'm struggling with some of that stuff right now, as we talked about yesterday. And I still think Friday would have been too much with D's p-doc in person in the morning, then you potentially an hour or two later.

No idea if I'll want to try twice a week (after next week) going forward or maybe just try to do that every 2-3 weeks to help keep costs down and try to handle more on my own. I'm glad you're willing to be accommodating with that (and that the way you do your schedule allows for it).

Love,
LT

velcro003 · Apr 18, 2023 at 07:44 PM

Dear E: Of all the times you were too busy or couldn’t respond for some reason, this was the worst. Unless
you cancel tomorrow, I will see you then.

T: I thought maybe I could get a little reassurance before I start this new job tomorrow. But you didn’t call, and haven’t responded to my text tonight. I really do hope you are ok. Also, I really needed you today.

LostOnTheTrail · Apr 19, 2023 at 12:17 PM

I'm not sure if I'm prepared for tomorrow.
I don't know about you.

What I've said in the email really doesn't scratch the surface of what's actually going on.

East17 · Apr 19, 2023 at 12:59 PM

Dear T
You told me this week that the anger I had experienced "was progress!" I don't doubt your sincerity, nor your enthusiasm for guiding me in a forwards direction.... you are seeing progress so it makes sense to capitalise on that.

But, whilst I agree progress has been made, I'm thinking that you are way ahead of where I feel I am at. Like there's an unspoken 'expectation' that now I can continue to move forward without any barriers and that we can 'deal with all the remaining elephants in the room' in an expeditious manner. I was hoping to be able to take things at a slower pace.

You’ve often said that I am processing stuff in a different way. Perhaps it doesn’t matter how stuff is processed, so long as it is? But I'm not processing it in the way I need to process it.

velcro003 · Apr 19, 2023 at 06:04 PM

Dear E: While absolutely NOTHING feels better, it helps a smidge to know I can contact pretty quickly in a crisis.

LostOnTheTrail · Apr 20, 2023 at 10:25 AM

Thank you for all the ways in which you helped me to reach towards safety in what was a really challenging session.

Thanks for your patience when I stopped you with my 'Not yet!'

I don't know about you, but I could've done without my hamster analogy. It really wasn't necessary to make the point.

junkDNA · Apr 20, 2023 at 10:32 AM

goodbye T

LonesomeTonight · Apr 20, 2023 at 11:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by junkDNA

goodbye T

Hope everything is OK, like this is more of a positive good-bye, such as your deciding to end therapy with this T because you don't feel you need it any more or want a change good-bye. If it's something else, like his moving away, terminating you, leaving because of a conflict, or, possibly, something worse, then hugs, if wanted.

KLL85 · Apr 20, 2023 at 01:47 PM

‘Maybe I am both the therapist that was so proud of you last week and really wants to keep you safe and the therapist that is also prone to making mistakes and hurting you.’

Wow, talk about a loaded sentence. That’s the first time you’ve ever said you were proud of me and it makes me melt. But the constant messing up and hurting me very quickly turns that warmth in to ice.

LonesomeTonight · Apr 20, 2023 at 04:54 PM

Dear T,
Wish I was seeing you tomorrow. Not really so much because of what we talked about today--I mostly still feel OK about that. I think? But more because I'm stressed about D's party Saturday (like, I just started crying because I forgot to buy peppers at the store), and I feel I should have maybe spent more time on that today. (Plus, I'm used to talking to you 3 times a week instead of 2.)

It's not the sort of need--at least as this point--that makes me want to see if you have any time tomorrow. Or to email. Though I'll see how I'm feeling later for the email part.

Love,
LT

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

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AliceKate Grand Member Member Since Jan 2021 Location: On a raindrop far, far away Posts: 871 3 2,208 hugs given	Apr 17, 2023 at 11:29 AM #142 you sang __________________ my life explained in two smileys

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 36,546 (SuperPoster!) 7 8,900 hugs given	Apr 17, 2023 at 11:44 AM #143 I guess I can't complain much about how I'm annoyed that you switched our session to remote since I did the same thing last week. But I just had some stuff to talk about that I don't really have the privacy to talk about in my house. __________________ Ridin' with Biden

SlumberKitty Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jul 2018 Location: CA Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!) 5 117.7k hugs given	Apr 17, 2023 at 05:12 PM #145 46 hours until I can talk to you. __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA

SlumberKitty Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jul 2018 Location: CA Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!) 5 117.7k hugs given	Apr 18, 2023 at 04:50 PM #148 I guess thanks for checking in on me. But you really didn't say anything helpful. "Okay" Isn't particularly helpful. Please show up with your A game tomorrow. Thanks. Kit __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA

darkestpart Member Member Since May 2017 Location: US Posts: 66 7	Apr 18, 2023 at 06:31 PM #150 hi t, were you cooking dinner while we were talking earlier? it definitely sounded like it. thanks for saying you like and respect me - it wasn’t necessary, but it does make me feel safer in our relationship. me __________________ Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.

velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,361 15 25 hugs given	Apr 19, 2023 at 06:04 PM #155 Dear E: While absolutely NOTHING feels better, it helps a smidge to know I can contact pretty quickly in a crisis.

junkDNA Comfy Sedation Member Since Sep 2012 Location: the woods Posts: 19,301 (SuperPoster!) 11 8,149 hugs given	Apr 20, 2023 at 10:32 AM #157 goodbye T __________________