Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

One more sleep.
The waves are frequent at the moment, and the sense of loss is hard to explain.
Thankfully, I think you understand why this is tearing me up.

Really appreciate your email today.
Thanks for reassuring me that you're OK with continuing this conversation.
It's exposing layers that I didn't know about.

Now that I told you about it last week (me and my big mouth), am I brave enough to actually give you the link to my poetry blog, without any kind of explanations? I guess we will find out on Friday. I'm the first to admit that some of it is pure unadulterated crap, some maybe just approaching mediocre; but some I am proud of. Today's poem in particular.

There's a first time for everything, and today was the first time that a family member has used the word 'crisis' to describe what I am going through.

Of course, it's Sod's Law that today's session would be cancelled.

I hope I'm 'courageous' enough to continue the conversation the next time we meet.

it is immense loss and deep pain. but time goes on

Remain in motion
Avoiding emotion, just
Pain unspoken burns.

hugs if wanted, jDNA.

Oh mylanta what have I done giving you the link to my blog?! Maybe you won't have enough time or interest to read it long enough to find the handful of poems from last year that I'm freaking out about rn.

Yes, yes. Drama queen. I know.

I've decided to just go ahead and wear the crown cuz it makes me feel pretty.

...and don't worry. I'll not be emailing you this week - in fact I'll be forgetting you exist for the next 6.5 days.

I am really tired of being 'brave'.
Being brave is persevering through something that you don't want to do.
Being brave is often persevering through something that hurts on some level.
All I have done since Steve died is 'be brave'.

I hope that I will see you next week so that we can pick up the conversation we were having.

In addition to the removal of that protective layer, there are specific elements of this experience that I don't want to speak aloud, but feel that I must so that they stop hurting me.

I think I am deeply insecure T, in all of my relationships, family, friends, work, strangers and you, of course, but my insecurity towards you seems tolerable. You probably already know or suspect this, but for me, this is a new revelation.

I'll probably do that homework 2 hours before our session

I looked at my patient portal at my Pdocs office and apparently I've had a diagnosed eating disorder since Feb of 2021. I always thought it was just suspected. Not actually officially put on paper for over 2 years.

So I don't know if that will change how we do therapy or anything. But I figured I'd tell you on Monday that its official. That its been official for awhile.

Hope to see you on Thursday.
The use of the word 'crisis' by a family member has thrown me.

Is it that bad, or is it just plain that I can't hide how I am feeling any longer?

When I was 15 I wanted to be a short skinny guy who looked younger then he actually was. Instead I was this voluptous heavy person with a size G chest who for sure looked 15 Now I am what I dreamt of being but I have to work hard on keeping up my appeareance.

Tbh though my 3 stomach meds have messed up appetite.

You said you were going to email me this weekend with some thoughts, but it's Sunday afternoon and you haven't. I'm depressed as hell and was looking forward to knowing that you were thinking of me.

Life is never going to get any better.

I would feel rushed by this too, and it would probably make me feel a lot worse than I was feeling already. I think it's possible there is a mis - attunement here. Or maybe I'm projecting an appalling therapy experience onto this.... I hope I am and that this therapist proves to be genuinely helpful to you. It's not always possible to ''move forward'' at the ''pace'' that THEY want. ANY ''forward'' movement is good..... but they Should be able to take things at YOUR pace. imho. Of course there can be barriers to that in some places. But if the barrier is in the personality of the therapist and/or their lack of skills....then.... anyway, please try to be gentle with self.

It's ok not to please the therapist. They are there to help us, we are not there to feed them......

I miss you.

Dear T,
Thanks for being understanding and reassuring today. I'm glad I let those concerns out. And that you said again how you'd let me know if there was anything going on that you thought had a chance to affect the regularity of sessions.

Also, good to know that you do feel you can generally be yourself and joke around with me. And that you also realize there are areas where joking would not be OK.

Love,
LT

Thanks for being the 3rd therapist I've had to offer to let me puke in your garbage basket and not freak out about it. I'm not joking though, I've slept with a bucket near my bed these last 2 weeks.

You said "you did your homework so good I'm super proud of you!" When honestly, I did it 10 minutes before I had to leave today and I was in a rush.

But I think today went good overall.

T: I know, stay in the present, catastrophic thinking doesn’t help. BUT, i really think I’m going to have to stop seeing you in June, and it’s breaking my heart. I know therapy isn’t forever, but we’ve been together a long time. Ok, i need to stop, bc this is too hard.

E: thank you for being ok with me reaching out so often. If I can make it through June, that will give me a little breathing room.

Turns out I can speak and write words of solace for others, but I'm less certain of how to find them for myself.

We're going to have quite a session when we next meet.

Thanks for understanding my reaching out about tomorrow.
I think you know it's going to be a heavy session.

Thank you for being honest with me within my parameters.
I appreciate how careful you are more than you know.
Removing the mystery allows space for the grief, and I hope you are ready for that.

I really don't see how anything is going to get any better. You weren't the pushy version of yourself you said you would be. No one has asked what my answers were to the cube by the way...you included. I know it's just a dumb game but still. I'm so lonely. I miss my nan so much, I wish I hadn't been such a terrible grandchild.