Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Dear E: I do NOT know how you put up with me the past few weeks. You swear it’s okay, but secretly, I do think I am too much.

T:
You’ve tried this week to talk to me when I have asked,
jt nothing has worked out. I will see you tomorrow, and also hope that you aren’t over it all, and me by now.

Dear T,
So the problem with my feeling more secure in the relationship is that then I start thinking of other reasons unrelated to me personally that it would need to end. Even worse if I start thinking of those when I'm awake in the middle of the night.

I considered emailing you about one of them, but I imagine it would seem totally random if I didn't mention seeing the site about your research project where you mentioned wanting to start a book. And if I told you about that in the email, then you might get weird about it, even though it's a professional endeavor (and you sort of mentioned it once in session a few months ago).

Maybe on Sunday, if I don't have enough to discuss from the party or if it's still weighing on me, I'll bring up a sort of general question. Like, "Are you considering leaving your practice here for any reason?" I don't know. I still think of when you told me last year that you'd applied for another job a couple years before, but it didn't pay nearly enough. Which kind of freaked me out, as it was during the time I was seeing you. At the time, you said you didn't intend to apply for other jobs--how that just seemed like a particularly amazing opportunity (till you learned about the pay). So I guess I could just use that as a launching point.

And of course I want to know you're not, say, dying. Like I was a bit concerned you were drinking tea instead of coffee today. But I'm glad you explained that when I asked (though that was more that I was concerned you had a sore throat or something, in which case I might have opted for the further seat).

Love,
LT

Sorry to email the day after we've spoken.
Next Thursday feels a long way away, and you're apparently the only person I feel I can trust to talk about this with.

You are so careful, and I am so grateful.
What my brain does with that kind of input is a kind of evil.

I hate my hostility and I hate being like this. I had such good intentions for today, but then shame and fear takes over and I degenerate into a swearing, protesting thug. The work feels hopeless. I don't want to be confronted by the worst aspects of me every week, each time more starkly highlighted by your calmness and gentleness. I am such an idiot.

Both of you--I know you are trying, I just don't know if it enough anymore.

If I slept last night, it wasn't much.
It is hard to tell when to try for sleep and when to surrender to the griefquake that I have been avoiding.

Can all this change and growth really be only in me?! It surely feels as if you have changed and grown as well.

I was so frustrated because I wanted a Hot Pocket. But I was just thinking of calories and its too early, and etc etc. But finally I just said to myself "you have been restricting since 1AM. Eat the damn Hot Pocket." And I did and I feel so much better both physically and mentally.

Trigger for GI stuff.

Dear T,
Thanks for reassuring me about those concerns of you changing career paths. And for being OK with my having looked at the site on your research.
Love,
LT

Glad he was able to do that for you, LT...and that he understood about looking at the website.

Thanks, Lost!

Also, hope you feel better soon physically.

I feel like collasping from eating nothing but a small pack of Twizzlers and a Nerds rope and bottle of Coke and an iced tea since yesterday dinner, if that. I didn't sleep good because I was fighting with the scale all night and reading a book called The Year I didn't Eat about a teenager who sounded a lot like me.

I'm trying to get up the physical energy to take a shower because I meet with you today and then I have my doctors appointment and I haven't showered in 3 days.

Three more sleeps.
I'm going to need you to remind me of the safety we've built again.
Carrying this feels decidedly unsafe.

I have an unexpected Pdoc appointment on Thursday. I accidently set it up a month early then when I tried to reschedule today the soonest he had was the end of June. So I decided to keep the one on Thursday and just have my meds on file. I doubt he can help me with anything since mental health meds arent what I need and my current ones are working fine. Some extra valium would be nice but I wouldn't ask him that.

One more sleep.
The waves are frequent at the moment, and the sense of loss is hard to explain.
Thankfully, I think you understand why this is tearing me up.

Really appreciate your email today.
Thanks for reassuring me that you're OK with continuing this conversation.
It's exposing layers that I didn't know about.

Now that I told you about it last week (me and my big mouth), am I brave enough to actually give you the link to my poetry blog, without any kind of explanations? I guess we will find out on Friday. I'm the first to admit that some of it is pure unadulterated crap, some maybe just approaching mediocre; but some I am proud of. Today's poem in particular.

There's a first time for everything, and today was the first time that a family member has used the word 'crisis' to describe what I am going through.

Of course, it's Sod's Law that today's session would be cancelled.

I hope I'm 'courageous' enough to continue the conversation the next time we meet.

it is immense loss and deep pain. but time goes on