Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Something I've done a lot this year is browse just eat menus, add food to the basket and then never check out. I always spend ages choosing what the baby and I will have, even though I know I can't afford any of it. I don't know if it's a good or bad habit. But I feel bad for the baby. And I would like to just eat a whole meal.

I am so glad that my colleague cancelled the work phone call I was expecting today.
My head is still slightly scrambled from yesterday's session.
Professional Lost might be the best version of me, but I can't muster the energy to be that version today.

Dear Ex-MC,
I feel like I was a different person then, back when all of the stuff with you was going on. Maybe it was partly a reaction to the ending with you. Maybe it's largely been my experience working with Dr. T and learning from him (though there were some really painful lessons in there). Maybe it's mainly been life happening and my need to grow and be stronger to deal with all of that (the pandemic, D, etc.). More than likely, it's some mix of those things, probably more the last two.

I wonder what you would think of who am I today? Would you be able to recognize the growth? Though maybe if I were to talk to you again, it would be like how an adult often becomes around their parents, reverting temporarily to a younger version of themselves?

--LT

Dear T: Oh no, only a few weeks left?! I just don’t know how to not grieve ahead of time. We have spent years together. I will miss you more than you will ever know. Why is all of this happening to me?

E: PLEASE let me see you a bit longer. I can’t bear the loss of both of you at once.

This grief will be endless and deep.

Hugs, Velcro. Hope it's OK to reply here. Is there any way at least one of them could keep seeing you for a bit while you wait to see what happens with insurance and unemployment? Whether at a very reduced rate or letting you carry a balance? Or could you put it on a credit card? Just seems like this is a time when you'd especially need support.

I know it may feel awkward to ask, but I think it's worth doing, just to see what they might offer. Or if you could see them every other week or something like that.

My long term T is the one who I will be saying goodbye to in a few weeks (ish). She’s been doing it pro bono for me for a little while, so I get it. She repeatedly tells me that she won’t just drop me. That she will make sure I still have supports in place.

I am just recovering from one of the worst panic attacks I’ve had since I’ve started panicking (in the last few weeks). I am losing someone I care a lot about. I’ve never gotten a real goodbye from anybody/thing, ever. I am starting to think all of my sadness over my I “never got to say goodbye” themes is better. This extreme anticipatory grief certainly feels a lot worse.

Part of that panic attack is also because I thought my trauma T (E), took medicaid, but she doesn’t. Now all I have in my brain is that I am losing TWO important people of my life at once. I trust about 4 people, and they are two of them.

E has me on a sliding scale right now, and she hasn’t said she plans on kicking me out soon, but now I don’t know.

today.was.awesome. thank you.

Three more sleeps.

It's hard having just one place that I can talk about this.
Grieving for Steve involves acknowledging it all.
I couldn't understand. Now I have an understanding.

And that means I have to feel it.

Monday will be T shirt weather and you have only seen me without a hoodie once. Most people I tell can't believe I was a G size with my type of body and it really doesn't bother me when they try to picture it without being obvious.

'Everything's so great
It can't get better
Makes me wanna cry
But I'll go out howling at the moon tonight...'

Please be patient with me as I voice that howl.
People around me could be forgiven for thinking I'm doing a hell of a lot better than I am.

I got the sensory chew necklaces we talked about. Thanks for the email during our session that had the Amazon link so I could buy the right ones. I feel kinda like a dope being a 30 year old and needing them, but you said it would help my lip chewing and you aren't the first or even second therapist to suggest these things for various reasons.

Yeah I restricted this morning, and I don't plan on eating and I don't give an eff either.

One more sleep until I see you next.
How has it taken me two years to get to this point?

Today's session was distant. I feel we both were tired, and I didn't feel ready to face my emotions (so I didn't). I realised, as I have some times before, that none of it is real. You are mirroring my smiles and frowning when you think this is the facial expression to use right now. Maybe reading about therapy with my kind of issues was a mistake.

I had a realization while out walking earlier that's going to make for an uncomfortable discussion on Friday. Telling you this will give me a chance to practice the whole, letting other people (you) be responsible for managing their (your) own feelings/reactions while I manage my own. This will be a test for me, for sure.

Dear T,
Of course, I wanted to ask if you thought I wanted that from you, not just ex-MC and the Teacher. But I wasn't going to do that with 10 minutes left (see, I've learned!) It's interesting that you said you wrote that in your notes a few times but hadn't said it. And actually admitted that you were "nervous" sharing it with me. Which it part of what makes me wonder if you think I'm looking for that from you as well.

I wonder if you're expecting me to email tonight? I realize this is also not something that would be good to discuss over email. And I feel OK about it. I mean, even if you do think that, you seem to still be accepting me.

And I do feel a bit awkward about the other thing I shared, but I trust that you're truly OK with it. And like I said, that's something I learned 4 years ago. I can't un-know it.

Love,
LT

Time to practice patience with myself and those around me.
I wish we'd had time to get to everything I wanted to speak about today, but I think we need to have a focused conversation about how I proceed (or not) with the local support group.

Maybe I need to start next session by asking the question: 'How can I be with this understanding, and this grief, without losing my mind?'

I'm sorry I didn't email you yet about last night. I just don't feel like it right now. I know you are concerned about me though. I'd rather take a nap.

Another session where I have already set up a draft email, so that I can overcome that obstacle if needed.


You don't know that I have started doing that...and I think I will keep it that way.


I don't feel OK at the moment, and though it's understandable, I am the one who has to live with it.

It's exhausting.

Dear T: I can’t do it. I can’t say goodbye to you. How is this happening? I know you can’t feel the same feelings as me in this grief, but I feel like you are already ahead to when I’m gone. I already missing you. I’ve had at least one panic attack since Friday. What will I do without you?

E: I am glad you aren’t leaving me yet. I can’t lose both of you at the same time. You are right, you probably won’t be enough support by yourself. I already am burden enough as is. How can I get through all of this? This grief is consuming me, but I still have to find. job, pay my bills, figure out my health.

I am so so scared.

You haven't responded to my email from Monday about my ER trip. So much for 24/7 or whatever you said.

Dear T,
Hope that email wasn't a mistake. I was very clear in what I was looking for, so hopefully you can use that as a guide. And it's been over a month since I emailed, so I doubt you'd be annoyed at all. I guess I just feel a bit vulnerable. But I was crying in the car (and slightly on my walk--thank you, sunglasses!) because I realized I'm afraid to be honest, not wanting to rock the comfortable boat we've been on lately. And I know that's not the way to do therapy. So I hope this leads to someplace OK and ideally helpful. The parallel I noticed between what I feared you would be thinking and what my mom would have thought seems significant. Maybe I actually partly have maternal transference for you? Wonder how you'd feel about *that*?

Love,
LT

i’m not sure i can feel any worse.

Yesterday's medical appointment brought home the reality that I'm not dealing with this massive grief in the wisest way.

That said, thinking long term is hard when my focus is just on getting through the day.

I have no idea what dealing with this wisely looks like.

Dear T,
Wow, that was a really nice, empathetic reply. I love your line "So we'll be uncomfortable together." At times in the past, it seemed like you were more focused on your own comfort with certain topics than mine (or my need to discuss them). This feels like you're giving equal weight to my comfort and thinking of us as a team rather than me vs. you. Hopefully, the conversation (whether tomorrow or at some other point) will have a similar tone.
Love,
LT