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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jun 2016
Location: Where the sidewalk ends
Posts: 36,826
(SuperPoster!)
7 9,027 hugs
given |
#341
Quote:
__________________ Ridin' with Biden |
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AliceKate, bearybear, LonesomeTonight
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,918
(SuperPoster!)
9 75.2k hugs
given |
#342
Dear T,
It was nice seeing you in person again--I guess it had been 2 weeks between your schedule and my Covid. I'm not sure how to feel about your bringing up the "I love you" thing. I know it was in the context of my writing. But it's interesting that I completely avoid even saying the word "love" when referencing that, whereas you actually said "the I love you." Maybe I need to write about it to really figure out what I'm feeling? Love (haha), LT |
AliceKate, bearybear
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Tweaky Dog
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 4,876
12 3,179 hugs
given |
#343
We talked today about the different degrees of the Holding It Together question.
I'm exhausted, but I still find myself asking the ultimate version. Who the **** am I holding it together for, really? __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
bearybear, LonesomeTonight
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Writing my way through...
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: In the desert
Posts: 7,378
(SuperPoster!)
4 5,836 hugs
given |
#344
I just wrote a poem about my refusal to do what you suggested last week. It's funny (strange? annoying? interesting?) that I really sometimes don't know how I feel about something until I start writing about it. I knew I felt strongly about not taking your suggestion, but if you'd asked me why I didn't want to, I wouldn't have known how to explain it. But I understand now. What I love so much about poetry is that so many of my poems seem to take on a life of their own, to write themselves, or some invisible force writes them, once I get the first line... it's that first line where I sometimes get hung up. But tonight, I got the first line after a few false starts, and as usual once I knew it was right, the rest of the poem flowed from there. Maybe I'll share it with you on Friday. Or not.
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AliceKate, bearybear, LonesomeTonight
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LonesomeTonight
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Veteran Member
Member Since Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 520
10 39 hugs
given |
#345
The first anniversary of J's death has already passed and now she's been gone 16 months, that just does not seem possible! What also doesn't seem possible is how much she is still in my head and my thoughts. It's not that I want to forget her, I just don't want to feel haunted by her memory. I wish so much that I could have talked to her one last time. But of course I can't bring myself to tell you that. It still feels too weird talking about deceased ex-T with current-T.
Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk __________________ To the world you might be just one person; but to one person you might be the world. |
ArtieTheSequal, bearybear, DigitalDarkroom, Fuzzybear, LonesomeTonight, LostOnTheTrail
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Monster on the Hill
Member Since Sep 2020
Location: by the river
Posts: 4,600
(SuperPoster!)
3 5,164 hugs
given |
#346
I swear to God if you cancel this week and we don't do this pros and cons chart I'm going to get black out drunk and leave you a million messages saying what a bytch you are.
__________________ Live life for nothing but that sweet sweet melody. |
AliceKate, ArtieTheSequal, bearybear, DigitalDarkroom, Fuzzybear, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Tweaky Dog
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 4,876
12 3,179 hugs
given |
#347
I felt so tired this morning.
On reflection it was more mentally drained. Seven more sleeps until we can talk about it. Of course, I might email if I can find the words. __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
bearybear, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jun 2016
Location: Where the sidewalk ends
Posts: 36,826
(SuperPoster!)
7 9,027 hugs
given |
#348
I should tell you about why I read so much. And how I've read 39 books since November 2020. And that I barely read anything before that since 2015. I think you would find the reason pretty interesting.
__________________ Ridin' with Biden |
AliceKate, bearybear, SlumberKitty
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LonesomeTonight
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Writing my way through...
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: In the desert
Posts: 7,378
(SuperPoster!)
4 5,836 hugs
given |
#349
What an interesting conversation we had in my head last night. Hmm.
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bearybear, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Elder
Member Since Oct 2008
Posts: 7,361
15 25 hugs
given |
#350
E: I am regretting this decision. I want them back. It was a little reassuring that she said she wants to continue working on trauma with me.
T: Same fear with you. I think I am going to lose you first. |
bearybear, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Tweaky Dog
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 4,876
12 3,179 hugs
given |
#351
Roll on Tuesday.
May I be able to take my armour off so that we can have an honest conversation about how this experience has been for me. Two years seems a lot harder than the first anniversary. __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
AliceKate, bearybear, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,918
(SuperPoster!)
9 75.2k hugs
given |
#352
Dear T,
Totally losing it and sucking as a mother and wife right now... Also failing at the drinking goal today (well, on track to fail on it), but maybe today will be one of the two days that don't count. I do think part of why I'm upset about losing lots of time for work today--and potentially Friday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday--is that I'm trying to get back on track with writing, and having D in the house doesn't help. We apparently should have just planned for the beach next week and done camp the week after. As I guess no on will be in school, and H will say it's fine for her to be home every day (I mean, your son is probably home, right? Maybe not. But I imagine he can also entertain himself at home, and you can still go into your office). It's making me think my writing probably isn't valued, just in the same way I feel like more work ranks lower. He'd totally be on board with my taking a walk, but, yeah, not doing that in the smoke. But I also think that suggests he values that over writing. Which you seem to think is important. Guess I should try to do that for a few minutes before they're back. Love, LT |
AliceKate, ArtieTheSequal, bearybear, ScarletPimpernel, SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329
(SuperPoster!)
5 117.7k hugs
given |
#353
Wish there was someway to have a session tomorrow. Sometimes 45 minutes just isn't enough. Are you sure about the selective mutism thing?
__________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
AliceKate, ArtieTheSequal, bearybear, LonesomeTonight
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Magnate
Member Since Feb 2016
Location: England
Posts: 2,409
8 1,316 hugs
given |
#354
Dear T,
It appears my mind is realising that first session back is looming. This extended two month break has reminded me that I can do life, without therapy. The work I did with Ex T put me in a really good place with regards to now having friends and hobbies and supports in place, and taught me largely how to have and to manage my emotions on a daily basis, rather than living life feeling numb and almost dead inside. Because of the break I am sleeping better than I have done for a long time; I am not constantly preoccupied with my past; haven't had a nightmare at all; have more money to spend on treating myself and looking after my physical health and I am generally doing good. I must say this is leading me to really reconsidering again what exactly I am doing in therapy. I mean, I know what I'm doing... I'm trying to find a way to confront and open up to my family about what he did to me. I'm trying to find a way forwards that doesn't include harbouring this secret. I'm trying to find a way that when I am with them I don't have to pretend to be someone I am not. Despite what he did to me I do want a proper relationship with him. Is that f***ed up? But I have been in therapy for what, seven years now? I guess we two years of COVID might not count. And I guess that I've only recently really started working on the trauma side of things, but so far it doesn't feel like anything has changed. It doesn't feel like anything will ever change and it honestly feels like I'm spending £600 a month to feel awful. Am I better off just accepting that this is the way it is? That what happened, happened, and that it can never be undone? Am I better off just living the lie that we have all seemingly been telling ourselves? Keeping the secrets hidden? Am I better off trying to come to terms with the fact that I can't get over this, and the possibility that that means I can't have the kind of relationship with him that I want to have? My mind is thinking again, and I don't like it. |
AliceKate, bearybear, LonesomeTonight, nottrustin, SlumberKitty, zoiecat
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InkyBooky
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Tweaky Dog
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 4,876
12 3,179 hugs
given |
#355
I know there are no prizes for holding it together.
It's also getting harder and harder to do. Today's follow up hospital appointment triggered a shame spiral. I know this is all a product of not coping well, but how the hell are you supposed to cope when your world turns upside down? And how do I explain to someone who isn't you that I forget I exist below the neck on my worst days? I didn't want to be there, even though she was well-meaning and friendly. __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jun 2016
Location: Where the sidewalk ends
Posts: 36,826
(SuperPoster!)
7 9,027 hugs
given |
#356
You said on Monday "I'm always just an email away." And you have been for the most part.
I left my house today to do some shopping. I went to a lot of stores that were crowded. I sucked at eating though. I just forgot and also yesterday was still getting to me so I am a bit off physically. Luckily I don't think I have any post procedure depression. I'm just tired mainly and my stomach and throat feels weird. __________________ Ridin' with Biden |
LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Writing my way through...
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: In the desert
Posts: 7,378
(SuperPoster!)
4 5,836 hugs
given |
#357
I woke up with a headache this morning.... a hot shower and tylenol didn't help, i think it's because last week's session left me with a t-hangover, and I sorta kinda don't want to come today. I'm still so ping-ponging between wanting more time and not. I feel like these coda meetings combined with the writing I continue to do may just be enough on their own, so.... oh we should just talk about it.
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LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Writing my way through...
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: In the desert
Posts: 7,378
(SuperPoster!)
4 5,836 hugs
given |
#358
Okay so today kicked booty, and I'm glad we scheduled through the rest of June. Next week, I want to talk a little about how things seem so different this time around.
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LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Elder
Member Since Oct 2008
Posts: 7,361
15 25 hugs
given |
#359
E: You are right (of course) about me having to use healthier coping skills besides the one I am used to,
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ArtieTheSequal, LonesomeTonight, LostOnTheTrail, SlumberKitty
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Writing my way through...
Member Since Feb 2020
Location: In the desert
Posts: 7,378
(SuperPoster!)
4 5,836 hugs
given |
#360
Morning L, so I had a rather stunning realization last night as I was journaling about yesterday's session. We'll see how this week goes 'being' with this information; I suspect I'm going to have a lot to talk about next week. I'm glad we went ahead and scheduled. I'm for sure gonna want to talk about this.
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LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Closed Thread |
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