Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I don't really have the time to think about you even though I know you are concerned about me. Idk. I just want to sleep and I'm busy tonight.

Ha! See what a good client I can be?! Am I your favourite yet?

I am looking forward to our session this afternoon ridiculously much. I have a lot to tell you.

Dear T,
I don't know what to say. I still might send an ill-advised email.

Be safe in the storms.

Love,
LT

You feel unsafe.

Thank you for the hug as I was leaving today. That was a big (good) surprise.

Ill-advised email, sent!

Please be supportive. Don't send me something saying you're offended or whatever, then charge me. I get why you'd have to charge now, but send something decent if you're doing that.

Love,
LT

Dear T,
I do appreciate your response, particularly that you acknowledged the shame and self-loathing I've been feeling throughout this (without my mentioning it in the email).

I'm glad I sent the second one with the middle-of-the-night insight. Maybe treating this like grieving will help? I didn't want to include all this in the email, but thinking of the stages of grief, maybe I'd been in a sort of bargaining stage there, with trying to get you to say what you accepted fully. Perhaps yesterday was me shifting into the depression stage? I know, it's not necessarily linear and can go back and forth. But it still might help to frame it that way.

I guess the question is, can I get to acceptance (or at least some level of it), and how long will it take? And will the relationship survive that? Not so much your getting rid of me, but my opting to talk away in frustration and/or pain.

Love,
LT

ETA: Hm, reading about this, apparently statements like "I wish I could go back in time and just say 'I appreciate you' instead" is an example of bargaining. So I think I was/am in that stage.

Dear T,
But do you understand that *you* are the one causing some of that shame and self-loathing?

--LT

Why are you asking me if that's ok? No, it's not ok. I have no choice so there can't be a negotiation and the arrangement will change to suit you. Don't ask if I am ok with it when my saying no doesn't change anything. What can I do? Force you to attend a session? Idiot.

Hi R,

I'm 90% of the way towards not doing the course, but 10% of me is struggling because I don't usually ignore emails from work.

Hoping for a few words of reassurance before we meet on Thursday.

Maybe there's a way that I can explain my position without leaving room for me to be railroaded into agreeing to the course anyway.

My head is still spinning, and I could do with some help figuring this out.

Thanks,

Lost

I hate your phone and I hate your internet! You're always missing my emails now. Could you please fix it. Thanks!

Three griefquakes so far today.

Four more sleeps.

awful aren't they?!!

Absolutely.

I'm so sorry you know this pain as well.

I don't know why you asked on Friday how often I take a shower. Like did you know I hadn't taken one in a couple of days? Maybe its because I had the hood to my hoodie up to hide my unbrushed hair.

I hope the gas engineer blows up your house.

I kind of miss you in person. I listened to the song Down by Blink 182 the other day and it reminded me of you. I just don't think I can physically or mentally do in person right now. Our zoom sessions have been so deep and productive and I was switching to virtual all the time anyways because I wasn't feeling good.

But its weird missing a therapist and it not being my transference one.

Whats with the weird thoughts? Did I **** things up that much by moving to telehealth? Maybe I did it subconsicouly on purpose Knowing this would happen? I swear that wasn't why though. Maybe something happened on Monday that lit up the spark again? Or maybe its my new stomach med. Or the heat. Or the fluids leaking from my gallbladder into my pancreas.

Idk.

Wondering whether my email has gone AWOL again.
Seems like an important one for you to miss.

Help me feel safe

I feel like our work is going to end soon, because I will have to move. I am not sure I will be ok.

Thanks for responding.
I'm glad that I sent the message again.
Feelings over this course have been a significant part of my week.

I've only done a physical first aid course once, and that time I ended up stuck on the floor whilst completing the assessment.

I can't be stuck on the floor in any sense when I'm trying to be Professional Lost.

You know that as well as I do.

The fact that the SL survivors' group couldn't have been clearer in their collective 'NO!' is a significant factor in my decision.

I'm not sure that confidence can be promised from a short course, either.
It's not something that can be given, rather something that is grown over time.

I appreciated the way that you said 'Everyone benefits from you being OK', though.

There are so many different strands at the moment.
I'm willing to park the Chris stuff until next week, because that's...minor in comparison.

I'm overwhelmed and tired.
Self-preservation has to be the name of the game here.

Eight weeks ago, it was decided that we should drop the emphasis on writing for wellbeing for that programme, because none of us are trained.

The idea of a short course promising confidence is laughable to me, because confidence grows over time...it's not something that you can gift wrap and hand to someone at the end of a training day.