Couch 243: Winchester Cathedral

Navajo rabbit, how do you navigate social stuff when you feel like something on the bottom of one's shoe emotionally?

I tried to open up to a friend today, and I don't feel like it went well.

Support shouldn't come with asking someone for a hard deadline on when they're going to be done grieving...right?

Western grieving is an odd thing. Also I think some of us have a more "death happens to us all" attitude than some others. It took me about a year or so to come out of the fog after my mother died and again after my person died but I think about both of them every day - just not with the encompassing sadness/sense of personal loss that is there right after. My friends had moved on so I didn't really talk to them about it much. I also think some relationships can be easier for others to understand -parent, child, spouse = the big ones in my observation people give you a longer pass for these; friends and tangental relatives - not as big - some understanding but now let us get back with the program quicker; people you didn't know (ex. Princess Diana) - can be challenging to relate to for some. But if you are grieving and not moving through it as fast as someone else - well it is your journey and it takes as long as it takes. I wouldn't worry too much either way about how a friend reacted - there are any number of people who are just so freaked out about any thought of death that they just want to ignore it.

I grieved for what felt like forever for my paternal grandmother. She had cancer and we took care of her at the end with the help of hospice. She lived with us about 6 months. She died in our house. I didn't think I would ever stop grieving. In some ways I haven't but it doesn't impact me the same way. But sometimes I still go take flowers to her grave.

On the other hand my paternal grandfather and maternal grandmother I barely grieved at all. I barely knew them. My maternal grandfather I grieved some but not as much as Grandma.

I don't think there is a hard deadline on grief. You grieve until you are finished, or in some cases may never finish, and it takes however long it takes. Don't take what that friend said to you to heart, Lost. You are absolutely doing the best you can.

HUGS Kit

P.S. I liked Stopdog's answer too. I grieved Princess Diana too. A woman I never met. But I felt like I knew her because of all the press.

T said she was sorry she didn't get back to me yesterday, long day at the farm. But that she would think about my request for a voicemail and we can talk about it at our next session (Friday) but that it is probably something she can do. Wish she would do it before then but I can understand her wanting to talk to me about it. I feel so disconnected from her right now. This vacation has been a challenge.

I’ve found grief to be a very individual journey, and unless you find yourself truly struggling with depression and unable to function, it’s a difficult, but entirely “normal” experience. I’m quickly coming up on two years since my husband died, and I am definitely very much actively grieving. But I am not depressed; I am functioning well. The intensity of emotions is certainly lessened (most of the time), but I am very aware of his absence on a daily basis. I try to stay mindful of my thoughts and feelings without judging them or trying to stop them. I know my journey is different from my sons’ or other family members, but that is also expected: our individual relationships with my husband were unique.

I just lost my father. The grief is there, but quite different. His death at 92 was not unexpected, not traumatic, and largely a blessing for him. I grieve his loss quite differently, and I am certain getting through that grief will come easier and quicker.

People are largely uncomfortable with grief. They pathologize it. They don’t want to see it. I know I keep much to myself these days because of the prevailing view that my grief makes others uncomfortable. Right or wrong. It is what it is. So I journal. I have conversations with my husband. I find ways to honor him and validate my grief process.

It has improved in many ways. In others, I’m in that awkward spot where I find myself hiding it a great deal.

Give yourself time and find your own way to honor your grief. It will ease when you are ready.

I talk to my person all the time - usually when I am driving.

I admit I am one of the people who doesn't really get the celebrity mourning thing - I mean there are those I like and am sort of detachedly like - that is too bad. But I don't feel it personally at all. Apparently some people do and while it would not be my thing, if it is yours -then that is the journey you are on. For me, I have to be pretty much very close the person before it is more than a "that is too bad" or "I feel sorry for their family" sort of thing.

Thanks, Artley.

I guess it's like my favourite Grateful Dead song says:

'There is a road,
No simple highway
Between the dawn and the dark of night
And if you go, no one may follow
That path is for your steps alone...'

I just wish the net result of this was something other than me feeling guilty for taking the time I really need.

I’m sorry about your father, Artley.

Next Wednesday will be the first anniversary of my mother’s death. The grief has gotten a bit less frequent but is still very intense when it comes.

This December will be 10 years since my Dad passed. I don't get sad so much anymore, but I do still think about him often because I see so much of him (the good parts) in my son.

I'm very depressed. Considering going back on meds. Some **** has arisen in therapy. Nothing my therapist did other than bring something out in the open that I can't handle being out in the open. I feel ashamed. I asked if we could do virtual session today instead of in person. He agreed. I'm not sure if I made the right choice there though. It's just me running away lite. Maybe I should drive down there and do a phone session from the car in case I regret this.

Hugs if wanted, NP. I understand the desire to run away. I'm not sure what time your session is (might already be going on), but maybe it would make sense to do that from the car, if your T would be willing to have you come inside if you change your mind? I hope talking helps. And nothing wrong with going back on medication.

Hugs, NP. I'm sorry some what sounds like difficult stuff came up. I think what LT said makes perfect sense - that if you're there in the car you can go inside if you change your mind. I hope it goes well however you decide.

Well I ended up changing the dentist appointment to tomorrow, to get it over with sooner, and so H can go with me (he's heading out of town Friday morning for a long weekend with his lifelong group of friends so couldn't go with me on Friday). I have a 4 hour training in the morning, then my boss is letting me use PTO for the rest of the day to get this done.

I'm such a big baby with this dental stuff. 8 years ago or whenever it was that I got a crown the last time, he sat there at the end of the chair and held/rubbed my feet the whole time. See, this is why I stay with him. He does wonderful stuff like that when I need him. And he said he'll do the same again tomorrow. I shouldn't be so scared now that I know he's coming with me. But I am still very nervous!

I did drive down there and he called me. He said he was worried he was losing me and I told him that was a valid concern right now, but that I have not given up completely and told him where I was and that this was my way of running away lite but still leaving the door open a little. He asked if I wanted to come up but I said not yet so we talked for a bit more about what was going on for me and between us. I did decide to go up after about 20 minutes. I think I made the right decision today.

What started this shame spiral was me talking about badly needing a hug in our Friday session. I didn't expect him to offer and I wasn't asking, but I guess it still hurt that he didn't offer. I told him I had considered paying somebody to give me a hug. I just felt so ashamed that I needed a hug and no one wanted to hug me. I ended up sending him an email after session about me feeling lost and wondering if we should take a break while I figure some stuff out. He responded and it was fine, but then Monday he says something about me not wanting him to be my therapist and not wanting to give up my fantasy that he could be more in my life and I just completely shut down. He wanted to know if these feelings were interfering with me being able to be connected with him and making me want to run away. He's likely correct. I just wasn't ready to confront all this stuff so openly like that. I sent him another email after that session telling him how humiliated I was feeling and brought up the hug conversation again and told him that a hug from him would feel meaningful in a way that it wouldn't from someone else. I said I don't know why this feels so shameful to me. I also said I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. He responded a few hours later with some spot on comments about why having to do with how my ex would treat me. This is what led to today's situation.

It was a year ago today that I tested negative for COVID, maybe it is finally time to update my signature.

That's really sweet of your H--I'm glad he's able to go with you. And I'm a big baby about dental stuff, too--you're stronger than I am, as you're actually going and getting things done!

Hugs, if wanted. That's a lot in the past week--I understand how the shame spiral would develop from that.

I'm glad it worked out to meet with him partly in person. Did you feel any better, at least about the relationship with him, after the session? I imagine it may take some time to feel safer with him again. (I know that's how it works for me anyway after shame and/or abandonment feelings are triggered.)

*curls up on Couch, whimpers*

I'm having one of those days where I feel like a walking content warning.

'I don't have much knowledge yet in grief, so this massive darkness makes me small...'

Hugs, Lost...