Re: In Session Today: Part VII

Today’s session also ended up being rather insightful. R arrived and commented on my big smile.

‘I’m getting a lightness from you today. I don’t know what’s going on below the surface.’

‘Normal life is wonderful! I’m grateful to be back doing normal things. Thank you for fitting me in virtually last week, which should have been the first thing I said.’

‘That’s no problem. How are you now, in this moment?’

‘On what level?’

‘That’s a good question. I meant as a whole.’

I spoke about my renewed sense of being valued.

‘When I went back to work on Tuesday, my colleague said how nice it was to have me back, and the participants gave me a round of applause!’

‘You can’t deny that now.’

‘On another level, it took a long time for the conversation we had last week to settle.’

‘That was going to be my next question. We went quite deep in that session.’

I explained the conflict between what the man from the Samaritans said and what I heard.

‘I don’t know why they were two different things.’

‘That can happen if we’ve been shut down in the past.’

‘It would make sense if conversations have been shut down in the past. It makes sense because conversations have been shut down in the past.’

R and I began to talk about my experiences of reaching out for support more specifically.

‘What happens when you are in that space?’
‘When I open a new e-mail for example, the feeling comes first and then there’s the thought -why are you making this public? Nobody else needs to know.’
‘That’s interesting, because I am not public.’
‘When I finally get over that hurdle, I’m not met with judgment.’
‘What do you receive?’
‘Endless empathy and compassion.’
‘Can you hold on to that?’
‘For a bit.’
‘But then it melts away?’

‘Yes.’
R was the one to bring the idea that I feel as though I’m a burden into the room.
‘ I appreciate that there’s a level of sensitivity required when talking about this subject but this seems to be a real barrier to you.’
‘Yes.’

‘If we talk about it between us, I used to be shocked at the apologies within your emails. It was as if you’d done something terrible! What makes you able to press Send on an email to me?’

‘This is where I can say things that sound weird?’

‘Yes.’

‘I have a mental record of some of our most connected conversations, and I will go back through and find my digital notes, and remind myself of the relationship.’

‘That’s interesting. I have never thought ‘Oh no, I’ve got an email from Casey!’

She continued.

‘If you were talking about an email you’d sent to someone else, I would be reluctant to comment, but because we are talking about the relationship between us, I can say that I don’t have a problem with your emails. Some of them are just wanting to share something or wanting reassurance…but you put so much work into them.’

‘Each email is like a project.’

R said that she hoped I might reach a point where I can just send an email.

‘I go back to Alan. I don’t know whether you have a file of messages from him, but you have the evidence that he wants to support you.’

I bemoaned the fact that my need for emotional support is greater now, at the time when my ability to ask for the support is reduced.

‘Of course, the reality is that what I want isn’t ****ing available….I don’t know where that came from.’

‘You let some of it out!’

‘There’s a sense of holding, but in a pejorative way.’

Towards the end of the session, R pointed out that I don’t really have a choice in terms of needing help for some of my physical needs. Perhaps the two things are related.

Our breathing focused on releasing tension.

This week’s affirmations were:

‘I have a right to share my experiences.’

‘There is nothing wrong with expressing emotions.’

The previous thread was about to reach 1000 replies: In Session Today: Part VI

My therapist said to me on Monday "you don't seem like the type to get angry." Um.. bussiness in the front, party in the back? We worked on some skills to handle my internal anger and she emailed me an anger iceberg thing about how anger is a secondary emotion and what some of the primary feelings of the anger may be. I found the session and the iceberg picture to very helpful and I've looked at the email a few times and I've shown it to my mom too once or twice

I really suddenly needed to eat on my way to therapy. So I stopped at a gas station and got a protein shake which I chugged. Today was the first time she was seeing me without a giant hoodie on. We talked a bit about current events but then she mainly just wanted to focus on food today. I don't know if it was the protein shake issue or how I looked that made her so focused on food. But there was really important stuff I wanted to discuss that blew through my mind.

It was Zoom today since I'm sick. She said don't focus on food this week. Just focus on getting better. I told her about the job applications which she was super happy about. She kinda ranted to me about her husband. About how he makes her do sessions in a specfic room so he can acesss the room he wants to without having to interrupt her. Shes made some other strange comments about him before like how he was in control of the thermostat but that she finally won it over. Idk. Kinda odd. She reminds me more and more of my transference T who also sometimes brought her personal problems into work. But at least this T doesn't take them out on me.

I had my first session with my new Therapist today. My first in-person session with a Male Therapist ever I believe. We met in the same room I met with my last Therapist at. Overall a good first session.

I felt like I did something wrong and I kind of want to email her and ask her about it but I feel like thats too much like what went on with my transference T and the emails. I think she was having an off day and I wasn't feeling my best either. It wasn't a bad session. Just weird.

Today's session was gruelling.
R helped me through what feels like part one of a difficult conversation.

'I'm really proud of you for what you've done today.'

I saw my pdoc today. The first thing I told him was that I was applying for jobs and had applied at 2 places. Then he asked "how is your sleep going bud?" Because I look like complete crap. I told him then about the medical stuff I'm dealing with. He's keeping everything the same since what I'm dealing with is not mental health related. The $80 session lasted like 5 minutes but thats really all I needed. He did look super concerned the whole time but knew he couldn't really do anything. He said to come back in 3 months and if I need anything to call. I'm glad it went well.

Yesterday's session was okay but I felt disjointed. T diagnosed me with selective mutism. Hmm. Whatever. Too sad to care. Want to sleep for a couple of weeks and wake up and hopefully be over this deep dark depression. I told that to T on text today. We'll see if she responds. Sometimes I have trouble talking to T and I know we only have 45 minutes. So then I feel pressure. Then I don't get the words out. She told me about her work with CPS and some sad stories. I don't know why. Why tell a person who is already sad, sad stories? Hmm. My Mom when I called her right now told me to put on my happy face. I told her I didn't have one. She said I did. Whatever. Forced myself to stay at work today and not go home early. T doesn't work on Fridays so I don't think I can get a second session this week. Just gotta buckle up and get through it one way or another.

I didn't tell him what I wanted to tell him. At the end he asked how I am. I said I felt like I could have been braver. He said I should give myself a break.

I had therapy this morning and I had just gotten my pain under control about 5 minutes before I logged on. Which was enough time to shove some Pringles in and then I felt like I could do the session. I had been battling all morning with my mom about wanting to cancel because of my pain but my mom kept saying it was too late.

Anyways since my pain was under control the session went good. She is just as frustrated as I am about my doctors not getting back to me.

I mentioned being in pain all week and just shoving everything I could in. She said she completely understood. At the start of the session she asked how I was feeling and I said "well, I was in a lot of pain but I took an Aleeve too early and I took one of those pain meds that causes unusual thoughts but I feel pretty good right now."

And she was just happy I wasn't in pain

With those comments my transference T would have made me go for an assement instead of being understanding

She was babysitting kids at the same time as my session. At one point they came into the room or something and she told them to leave because she was working. Then she put me on mute because one of them wasn't leaving.

Idk. Must have been an emergency and possibly why she had to watch them.

She was distracted and not focused today but at least she wasn't crabby. She did apologize for the kids getting in the way too.

Today’s session was mostly about unpacking the two triggering events that happened whilst R was away. She seemed to have a sense that I needed to borrow her calm.

‘Right…I’m going to need you to move.’

‘From that “Right” I sense you know what you need.’

‘Maybe that much,’ I said, parting my fingers slightly.

‘A couple of things have happened, I may as well tell you about them in the order they occurred.’

‘OK.’

‘The theme for David’s current series is Reimagining Shame. That’s a topic I was very keen to hear him speak about.’

‘I can imagine.’

‘He said in January that he’d not spoken on the topic before, despite being asked. When he was leading an event in Costa Rica he passed a question about shame to his colleague who is a teacher in the Zen tradition.’

I explained that during the hour-long seminar David had mentioned shame and sexuality twice. The first time I flinched, the second time I swore.

TW for mention of suicide



‘Oh.’
‘I left after that, and I’ve decided that I can’t go back to that particular series.’

‘It’s good that you know what you need.’

‘The day after that happened, I had a board meeting, so I couldn’t respond in the way I really needed.’

‘What would you have wanted to do?’

‘I needed a day to just be, but instead I had a board meeting and then work on Tuesday. Since Steve died, that’s where I’ve found a lot of my spiritual and theological insight…not that David talks about it in those terms.’

‘It’s a form of…solace. It reminds me of the time you were watching that programme….A British version of something, and there was a trigger.’

‘Oh, Jeopardy.’
‘That was it.’

‘It’s difficult when you’ve found something good in there, and then you feel you have to stop. What are you left with?’

‘I left the session and felt physically unwell.’

‘Can you explain more about that? Was it your stomach?’

‘I felt it in my chest. Mum asked me how the session was, and I explained that it was hard.’

I continued ‘Then Monday happened.’

‘Monday?’

‘Monday was a training day with our outgoing Artistic Director. She’s supposed to be retiring, but I think she’s erring towards semi-retirement. Beforehand she’d asked us to think about a recommendation that we’d seen, read, heard or been to that we’d found inspiring.’

‘OK.’

‘There was another facilitator there who does interesting work getting kids to write about music. I was keen to have a proper conversation with him, until he made his book recommendation. He began to talk about a memoir in a graphic novel format, written by a comic book artist…I’ll say it like that, whose father was a closeted gay man, who ended up killing himself.’

‘What happened for you in that moment?’

‘I was stuck between the man who’d made the recommendation and a colleague who knows enough to know that would impact me but didn’t say anything. I think Anna twigged something was up with me because she then called a tea break. I wanted to talk to Jen about something, so I asked whether we could walk and talk. I then told her about something called playback theatre where participants can watch their experiences being acted out and then reflect on them.’

‘That sounds really interesting.’

‘Jen then began to talk about a book that was made into a musical, where the main character’s father was a gay man who killed himself by stepping in front of a bus.’

‘The same book? Surely there can’t be two.’

‘Exactly. I took a deep breath, and then Jen asked me whether I was OK.’
‘What did you say?’

‘I lost a friend to suicide in June 2021, two weeks after he came out as queer.’

I remarked that I didn’t think Jen knew what to say in that moment.

‘She said that we can never know when what we say is in the exact shape of a wound someone else is carrying.’

‘I like that.’

‘So do I – and she said that if I ever want to read the book and talk about it, she’d be open to that.’

‘No!’ R did a pretty good impression of my instinctive reaction.

‘The thing is, it’s made me feel awkward about interacting with Jen. I might have told her eventually, but not yet.’

‘Why not yet?’

‘I wanted to give her a chance to settle into her role.’

‘Did you tell her for her sake, or for you?’

‘For me.’

I explained that my Young Writers colleague had floated the idea of emailing when there’s a big trigger, to make other people aware.

‘You don’t like that.’

‘No, I don’t. I kind of feel like I should apologise to Jen.’

‘For telling her?’

‘Yes.’

R and I discussed the possibility of working out where that need comes from, and how I can potentially shift that.

Our breathing focused on releasing tension in my chest.

‘There’s no need to panic about your chest feeling tight, because we know that we can use the breath to loosen that.’

When we’d finished breathing, R asked how I felt.

‘You look really relaxed – I wondered whether you were going to fall asleep.’

‘I feel more relaxed than I have in the last couple of weeks.’

R reassured me that she doesn’t plan to take time off over Easter.

Oh wow a new IST. I'm just popping in really to say I have a new T. It's weird. It's online. His audio isn't great. I don't trust him yet. I need to find out what he thinks about working with me. He hasn't said enough for me to know. Last session I said I needed him to be alongside me in something, he said, what if I can hold two positions, I said I don't want you to.
I don't want to be too negative about him, he seems okay really. He just has big boots to fill.

Weird thing for a T to say, when you pay them to 'be alongside you'.

I hope it works out for you, Echos.

My therapist said to me "do not leave the GI doctor until they give you an actual answer. Be demanding." She called him incredibly dismmisive.

Then I had a question about my transference T and she mentioned her own therapist. Shes mentioned being in therapy a couple times before. It doesn't really bother me.

She also said my new glasses are "handsome" kinda ick even though she didn't mean anything

She also just today started calling my mom "mom" and I was thinking the other day how happy I was that she was the only therapist who didn't do that.

Afterward I logged off and I threw up.

Turns out I miss IST now I'm processing a new therapy relationship. I told him I feel like he is cautious of me. He said he does feel nervous. He said I'm very direct and it can put him on the back foot. He also said that I did a lot of telling him what I don't want him to do as a therapist and he was left feeling like he can't just turn up as himself. I am glad he told me that. I felt like I understood him more. I am curious about how I feel with him though. I'm telling myself I don't want him to feel nervous of me but I'm saying things that could make him nervous. Maybe I need to see for myself that he can withstand me.

Some guy walked in while I was waiting for my T and no one helped him and then my therapist came out to get me and I said "who is that guy?" And she said "I don't know." We were both a bit freaked out by him. On my way out she whispered to me "hopefully that guy is gone."

I feel kinda bad that my therapist didn't ask what he needed. Just left him in the waiting room with my mom. She did admit she should have said something but she has told me before that she deals with anxiety. So maybe she got spooked.

She told me she loves my emails and would love to run into me in public. The complete opposite of what my transference T was like.

Today was just a normal session. To be honest, I like her a lot but at the end of the day shes just another provider I pay to see.