L is pregnant

Maybe the forums realize that this is extremely hard for me because of my past patterns. Me (and my family) are very skilled at disowning people. I didn't grow up with my extended family because of it. I have disowned/ended relationships for much lesser things. I'm not very good at keeping relationships because I just don't understand them. I'm afraid of them. I'm afraid of being hurt, or worse, abandoned.

I'm try so ****ing hard here to work through this with L. I'm trying to hold onto her, see her for all her multitudes. To see her as a messy human in this complicated life like we all are. I do not expect perfection, no! I had an expectation that was communicated to her and was not corrected or followed through with. That is a hurt.

L has validated that my pain is real and understandable. J, the same. I don't think my feelings are out of proportion and neither do they. What would be wrong, and I'm doing my best to see this, is throwing away a beautiful relationship over something that was no malicious or intended to hurt me. I think what Artley said about that rang really true to me.

I am trying...

I don't claim to have a right to know personal information. L and I have discussed in length when and how she should tell me about things in her life that DOES affect my therapy. You might disagree with mine and L's agreements, but that is what we've agreed upon and it has worked for us.

I would not like working with a therapist who was pregnant. It's painful to be presented with such blatant evidence that you aren't a priority and are secondary, tertiary, whatever-ary comes after that. I mean, obviously, we know that's true and we know that we are work, but ugh it's right there in the room with you when her love priorities are blooming in front of you. So my heart goes out to you Scarlet, especially given that you struggle with your place in relationships.

By the same token, I don't think she has done anything wrong. She didn't tell you at the time that you wanted. Yes, that hurts you and, as you say, your feelings are around that are valid. But I wonder if her apologising is helpful. She has a right to disclose in a way that suits her, especially since pregnancy is one of the most significant and profound states her body will experience. I am not dismissing your pain, but what if her response had been a compassionate "no, here is a boundary about my disclosing. I did it to suit me because my pregnancy takes priority". It feels a bit like her apologising and working so hard at moving to your position feeds your pain because it is confirmation that she has gone rogue in some way. And it sets you off a road of thinking about forgiveness which seems like a distraction to me, taking you away from the core pain of (perceived) abandonment and being unloved.

Thanks, Comrade!
L said she did it to protect my therapy. She thought if she waited, I could focus more on my trauma work. She has since said that if she could do it again she would tell me at the 3 month mark. So in that, I feel the apology is justified.

However, I do see what you mean that the apology is contributing to my focus on my feelings of betrayal with her instead of focusing on my core issues: abandonment, unloved, rejected, etc. Those are definitely thing we will need to address and work on in whatever time I have left before her leave. I can probably work on them with G, too. I'm not going to want to do the work I'm doing with L with G. I do not really see G as my therapist. He's just someone to provide support once a week. I'll still have J and T as backup, too.

comrademoo an incisive perspective.

Emailed L a bunch of times last night. She was giving me facts, but I felt like she was making excuses and invalidating my experience. She responded back to me this morning via email and she clarified that discussing facts is not to excuse her from what happened, but to help both of us understand what happened and why to try to prevent it from happening again. We talked on a phone call just now, and though everything isn't better, I feel like we're on the same path again. And she gave me a lot more information which I TOTALLY understand her now. It still doesn't excuse her as she could have made different choices along the way, AND I 100% can see where her brain went and why. It actually gives me a lot of compassion for her.

See, diclosures in our relationship are very important for me and us. It might not seem appropriate, but understanding the whys help me process and understand her and other people better. I don't demand to know things from L. I ask. Or somethings are just our pattern (i.e. why are you taking time off?). And then there's unique times, like this pregnancy where more information (not necessarily saying she's pregnant) should have been given (i.e. change my expectation of when she'll tell me).

Whether any you agree with disclosures or not isn't the point. My point is now that I understand L. She acknowledges that she would have done things differently if she held me better in mind. AND now I feel like we're on the right path. I feel relief today.

Progress on the baby blanket! I'm trying to go as fast as possible to make it on time so I can give it to her before the 9 month mark. It's a grayish center and it will have a variation of blues and white fluffy yarn for the border. I'm so excited to give it to her. I've been putting my love for her and the baby into this project. It's really helped me hold onto her and the good I desire for her.

That's a really pretty stitch and beautiful work!!

Thanks Artie! I'm a novie compared to you. One day I'll be brave and try new patterns like your mandalas. They're so cool! I know maybe 5 stiches now. My favorite is the shell stich, but that wouldn't be suitable for a boy! But I wanted to learn something new for the baby. I like this one.

I just figured out it will take 5 rolls of grey yarn and at least one roll of the fuzzy yarn. Must get on it!!!

That’s so neat and gorgeous. Wow you are talented. Very impressive

Thank you, Divine

Handmade baby blankets are such a great gift. Both my kids still have ones that I and other people made for them. Putting the blanket on the floor and then putting the baby on top of it also makes a great backdrop for cute everyday pics. I'm glad you're able to do something to bring forward your excitement for her and to help you make sense of the parts that have not felt so good.

L and I had a good long cry together on the phone today. I needed that from her: both to cry and for her to cry with me. I think she's understanding me now. I think she understands the effect that losing those two months has on me. We also realized that she's actually minimizing her pregnancy. She said she'll have to do her own deep work on why she's doing that. I think what got her the most is when she realized that I wanted to be included in her pregnancy because my infertility issues with my H. And I explained that there will never be another time when I get to be a part of the baby’s life except for now. That I can't even buy him presents for birthdays because what is she going to say? This is from your auntie SP? She said that anything about her pregnancy she will be open with me about. She'll even let me feel her belly when the baby kicks. It means a lot that she's willing to include me on this journey with her.

Another intense crying session where we both cried. I cried so hard. I have never cried like that with her. We were talking about my SI and grief. She figured it was about my infertility. I knew that was bothering me, but damn did it hit me hard! It hurt to my very core. She said that I have never had the chance to grieve my infertility, but she thinks it's time. I am not looking forward to this. It wiped me out so bad that I almost fell asleep on the way home. I was swerving so bad that even my car popped up with a warning "Take a break" and a coffee cup picture.

I'm glad you got home okay.

For safety next time could you take a taxi back if you feel too wiped out to drive or park up and just rest before driving ,

There's a gas station I go to to pick up coffee. I feel safe there, so I could stop off and take a little nap.

I also asked my mom if I could stop off at her house and take a short nap. She said it was okay.

Also, L and I are going to do a double session on Friday so it will give me more time to calm down.

I got the blanket done already! Picture coming soon!

I have a lot of fluffy yarn left over, and I have some fluffy white yarn from a different project. I'm going to make a second blanket for the baby. Hey, the materials are basically free since they're leftovers, so I know L won't mind.

The finished blanket:

It's beautiful, Scarlet! She's going to cherish it.

That looks great--love the border!