L is pregnant

Thank you, Divine

Handmade baby blankets are such a great gift. Both my kids still have ones that I and other people made for them. Putting the blanket on the floor and then putting the baby on top of it also makes a great backdrop for cute everyday pics. I'm glad you're able to do something to bring forward your excitement for her and to help you make sense of the parts that have not felt so good.

L and I had a good long cry together on the phone today. I needed that from her: both to cry and for her to cry with me. I think she's understanding me now. I think she understands the effect that losing those two months has on me. We also realized that she's actually minimizing her pregnancy. She said she'll have to do her own deep work on why she's doing that. I think what got her the most is when she realized that I wanted to be included in her pregnancy because my infertility issues with my H. And I explained that there will never be another time when I get to be a part of the baby’s life except for now. That I can't even buy him presents for birthdays because what is she going to say? This is from your auntie SP? She said that anything about her pregnancy she will be open with me about. She'll even let me feel her belly when the baby kicks. It means a lot that she's willing to include me on this journey with her.

Another intense crying session where we both cried. I cried so hard. I have never cried like that with her. We were talking about my SI and grief. She figured it was about my infertility. I knew that was bothering me, but damn did it hit me hard! It hurt to my very core. She said that I have never had the chance to grieve my infertility, but she thinks it's time. I am not looking forward to this. It wiped me out so bad that I almost fell asleep on the way home. I was swerving so bad that even my car popped up with a warning "Take a break" and a coffee cup picture.

I'm glad you got home okay.

For safety next time could you take a taxi back if you feel too wiped out to drive or park up and just rest before driving ,

There's a gas station I go to to pick up coffee. I feel safe there, so I could stop off and take a little nap.

I also asked my mom if I could stop off at her house and take a short nap. She said it was okay.

Also, L and I are going to do a double session on Friday so it will give me more time to calm down.

I got the blanket done already! Picture coming soon!

I have a lot of fluffy yarn left over, and I have some fluffy white yarn from a different project. I'm going to make a second blanket for the baby. Hey, the materials are basically free since they're leftovers, so I know L won't mind.

The finished blanket:

It's beautiful, Scarlet! She's going to cherish it.

That looks great--love the border!

Anyone have any ideas for projects when L is on leave?

So far I have:
Paper quilling
Mandala rock painting
Diamond art
Crocheting Mandala blanket (thanks Artie!)

I also bought this art book: The Art Therapy Way: A Self-Care Guide

Just trying to think of ways to keep busy while also connecting with L.

Eta:
Bead bracelets
Infertility collage/dream collage

Learn new recipes
Gardening (indoors or outdoors depending what you have)
Read new books
Organize your closets and major clean up projects

Another crying session, this time a double session. Then a crying phone call this afternoon. So much crying. I can't hold all of this grief! Grief and fear. Grief of her not telling me sooner, grief that I'm not her child, grief that I can't have a child, and grief that she's taking a leave. And fear of abandonment, rejection, favoritism, being replaced, being unimportant, etc. My heart can't take this. I'm suffering from SI horribly. I AM trying my hardest to cope with it all, but when the grief and/or fears hit, they hit hard. So many tears, tension, nausea, gi issues, lack of sleep, drowsiness... And emotionally I'm a wreck. Whoever said that 4 months is enough, it isn't. Not to deal with so many of my core issues. I'm so flooded. I was finally honest with H about the SI and desire to SH, too. I think he gets it. My heart is broken. I just don't want this life anymore.

I think the previous comment about four months being enough (was it our learned friend una? I can't remember) was insightful (must have been una!). Four months is all you have and so you work within that timeframe; it becomes its own filter. Realistically, years is not long enough to address the issues you list here because, as you say, they are core. They are deep and far reaching, far beyond your relationship with L and certainly far beyond her pregnancy. You process enough in these next four months and then you do more work beyond that, with the temporary therapist and with L when she returns.

I think part of the difficulty with this situation is that the issues you list have became forefront very quickly, all at once and not on your timeline. L's timeline is shining a light on your areas of pain and that's hard. Can a timeline shine a light? Maybe una knows. Anyway, I hear this particular aspect of the timeline to be a difficulty which results from the artificiality and inherently painful nature of the therapeutic relationship. I realise you might feel differently because of your different attachment stuff, but either way this stuff is hard.

Thanks Comarade. I think I'm understanding. I hope so! (Sorry Luna for misunderstanding!)

You're right. Years isn't long enough. And this timeline is all I have now, whether I like it or not. And yes, I am trying to process it right now to at least try to get to a stable place. It's just so so much! It also doesn't help that the timeline is actually unknown. We don't know when the baby will come or when L will feel ready to start working again.

Thank you for the empathy and validation. I do agree that the nature of the therapeutic relationship is painful. For me at least, it reminds me of all the things I didn't or cannot have. L says it's a sacred journey that requires the boundaries and roles of therapist/client. I understand her AND sometimes I wish we met in a different role.