[atisketatasket]

So I have this “conflict” with a colleague—using scare quotes because to me it’s not a conflict at all, that’s how it’s being described to avoid saying she’s an ableist.

Long story short: colleague denied a hearing accessibility request so I could participate in a scholarly weekly reading group she runs. Balked at a compromise I offered. Told me when I tried to discuss it further she wanted a mediator, without us even trying to work it out ourselves first. Eventually it got up to our chair, who first told her to work it out between us (a conversation that did not go well because she spent the time telling me we could no longer be friends, already baked in the cake for me but not somethibg I would ever say to someone’s face), then he spoke to us each individually, but she still insisted on mediation. I reluctantly agreed for chair’s sake (he’s a friend too, from another department and filling in for the year) if it was not someone official with the university as she wanted (no, I am not going to out myself as disabled to someone official against my will) and someone who knew something about disability.

Along the way there were all kinds of passive-aggressive actions by said colleague that I had to ignore.

Chair found a local therapist who is also hard of hearing. We’ve all met with her individually. Then next week we all three meet with her together. It’s like marriage counseling! With your boss!

My concern is the therapist does in fact seem to think of this as marriage counseling. Everyone has a perspective and those should be discussed and heard and whatever, so we can work together.

But this isn’t a communication problem or misunderstanding. I mean, suppose I were a person of color and my colleague used a racial slur. Would we be talking about mediation and perspectives? I don’t think so.

Anyway, some questions:
1) has anyone used a therapist for mediation and how did it go?
2) if you’ve been to marriage counseling, what is the biggest problem your counselor helped you solve? Did it work long term?

Thanks!

[WarmFuzzySocks]

1-Therapists sometimes do mediation but I have never gone through it myself with a therapist. But it’s a thing.
2- Marriage counseling…seriously the most useful thing *my* marriage counselor did was ask “You know that’s abuse, right?” So I’d say long term it worked out. Not necessarily useful in your case, but yours sounds more like trying to find a workable solution rather than primary focus on strengthening a relationship.

[ElectricManatee]

I don't have any relevant experience to share, but I wanted to say that I'm sorry nobody else seems to be seeing this ableist nonsense for what it is. Turning this into some kind of discussion or debate legitimizes the position of excluding you based on your hearing and that's just not right.

[Waterbear]

I don't know how it works where you are but I'd be thinking more employment tribunal than therapist!

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. I know you said you've each met with the T individually and are now set to meet together. I wonder if you'd be able to talk about these concerns with the therapist individually before meeting (or maybe email them, something like that?) to get some sort of reassurance that she won't just treat this like a miscommunication?

"My concern is the therapist does in fact seem to think of this as marriage counseling. Everyone has a perspective and those should be discussed and heard and whatever, so we can work together.

But this isn’t a communication problem or misunderstanding. I mean, suppose I were a person of color and my colleague used a racial slur. Would we be talking about mediation and perspectives? I don’t think so."

And of course you know my experience with marriage counseling--I would highly recommend against developing transference for the therapist! I'm not even sure anymore what lasting takeaway I got from that, so can't answer that question really. Honestly, I think my current therapist has helped more with my marriage (just through talking to me, advising me on stuff with H, suggesting ways that H might be reacting to me--though he was very wrong one time) than ex-MC did.

Are you still in touch with the one T you saw periodically who specialized in disabilities? Was that Visa maybe? I'm wondering whether she could advise you on whether this is a good idea, some suggestions on how to approach it in the joint session(s), etc. I feel that maybe you ended on a bad note with her, so perhaps not.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. I know you said you've each met with the T individually and are now set to meet together. I wonder if you'd be able to talk about these concerns with the therapist individually before meeting (or maybe email them, something like that?) to get some sort of reassurance that she won't just treat this like a miscommunication?

[snip]

Are you still in touch with the one T you saw periodically who specialized in disabilities? Was that Visa maybe? I'm wondering whether she could advise you on whether this is a good idea, some suggestions on how to approach it in the joint session(s), etc. I feel that maybe you ended on a bad note with her, so perhaps not.

I had an unsatisfying email exchange with the therapist over the weekend that led to this thread.

Yes, have an appointment with Visa on Thursday. She knows the whole story but I haven’t expressed my concerns aboit mediation to her yet.

Originally Posted by Waterbear

I don't know how it works where you are but I'd be thinking more employment tribunal than therapist!

Something similar is a possibility here and the more I get forced into mediation the more attractive it looks%

[SlumberKitty]

I don't have anything relevant to share, @@ I'm just sorry you are stuck going through this.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I had an unsatisfying email exchange with the therapist over the weekend that led to this thread.

Yes, have an appointment with Visa on Thursday. She knows the whole story but I haven’t expressed my concerns aboit mediation to her yet.

Something similar is a possibility here and the more I get forced into mediation the more attractive it looks%

Hm, that's not encouraging that you had the negative email exchange with the therapist. It's good you're meeting with Visa. Hopefully she'll have some useful guidance. When are you all supposed to meet together with the mediation T?

[NP_Complete]

I find it absurd that it's even gotten to this point. I can't even imagine what you could have possibly asked for that would get this level of pushback. And that the university isn't backing you 100%? I don't know how I would even feel at this point. Angry, hurt, indignant? I don't know if I would even want to attend the reading group if she was going to lead or participate in it. Do the other attendees know this is happening? Could you start your own competing group?

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

Do the other attendees know this is happening? Could you start your own competing group?

Ha! That would be amazing. The exact same group, same group name, same time, room next door, with all the same people (minus the jerkface), plus @@.

[downandlonely]

I'm dealing with something similar at my job. It's a book club at a location where most people work. I work at a different location, so I asked for a virtual component. And they refused because they don't like virtual book clubs. It's not a disability in this case, but the way we are set up, it's really not hard to do a hybrid meeting. To me, it feels like they just don't care enough to put in the effort.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Hm, that's not encouraging that you had the negative email exchange with the therapist. It's good you're meeting with Visa. Hopefully she'll have some useful guidance. When are you all supposed to meet together with the mediation T?

September 8.

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

I find it absurd that it's even gotten to this point. I can't even imagine what you could have possibly asked for that would get this level of pushback. And that the university isn't backing you 100%? I don't know how I would even feel at this point. Angry, hurt, indignant? I don't know if I would even want to attend the reading group if she was going to lead or participate in it. Do the other attendees know this is happening? Could you start your own competing group?

The university doesn’t know yet. They may find out depending what happens. Even then knowing university administrators it would probably be dismissed as a personal difference of opinion or some such.

Angry is the word of the day.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

My immediate first thought was does the therapist know that it should be mediation and not therapy? I don't think advocating for "differences between people and perspectives" is appropriate in this situation.


I second letting people know, I'd personally probably not start at the admins, more the attendees or similar, spread the word around like-minded people.

[Favorite Jeans]

Agree with Chicken Noodle Soup on this. Unless the therapist is a trained workplace mediator, I wouldn’t use a therapist.

As I see it, this is not about your relationship with the other person. To be blunt: your feelings don’t really matter and neither do theirs. You presumably have a right to be accommodated and your coworker/workplace presumably has an obligation to accommodate you.

That’s all the mediator (or just HR) needs to determine and address.

[stopdog]

I am a little confused on the situation. I agree she is not a good person, but is this an official university group or is this a group of people who get together and who happen to also be employed by the university? Are they all from the same university? If she just stopped having the group or just stopped running it from the university (they meet at her house or a coffee shop instead of using university space) what would happen from the university - would they replace her or the group with a new leader/group?

The univ. that I work for actually did the same thing in a faculty on faculty stalking case - they offered to send them to a counselor. Victim chose to leave instead because no matter the outcome-staying was untenable. It was horrible and we lost a great colleague and kept a highly disliked nutbucket one instead.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I am a little confused on the situation. I agree she is not a good person, but is this an official university group or is this a group of people who get together and who happen to also be employed by the university? Are they all from the same university? If she just stopped having the group or just stopped running it from the university (they meet at her house or a coffee shop instead of using university space) what would happen from the university - would they replace her or the group with a new leader/group?

The univ. that I work for actually did the same thing in a faculty on faculty stalking case - they offered to send them to a counselor. Victim chose to leave instead because no matter the outcome-staying was untenable. It was horrible and we lost a great colleague and kept a highly disliked nutbucket one instead.

It is, officially, a university-sponsored group, according to HR. Yes, if she just held it on her front porch and organized it via say cell phone tree, she’d be fine.

That isn’t really what concerns me. My concern is that I have to work very closely with this person and this incident (as well as others during this whole episode) is making me uncomfortable.

Anyway, mediation is tomorrow. Not looking forward.

[stopdog]

I was more trying to figure out why a public univ was going about it in this therapist as mediator way.
The reason my goofy university did it is because it was same sex stalking and private univ.

Good luck tomorrow.

[atisketatasket]

I’d have to make an official report for the university to get involved. I probably should, but for various reasons I’m not there yet.

[LonesomeTonight]

I hope it goes well tomorrow, @@.

[atisketatasket]

Well. That did not resolve anything. We worked out how to communicate with each other—which is basically exactly as we’re doing now.

I mean, I had a list of facts—“this is what she did”—supported by emails and transcripts, and she had one feeling about an email—“I felt threatened”—which was very clearly not a threat, including to the chair, who’d been cc’d on that email. (And also she was trying to use that feeling as an excuse for her behavior, but the email came after her behavior timewise.) And yet somehow that feeling was equivalent to my facts.

So, **** that.

[velcro003]

Ugh. I'm sorry, ATAT. This must be so overwhelmingly frustrating and disappointing and obnoxious.

[unaluna]

So even if good people do something, evil still wins.

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm sorry it went so poorly. Really, what Velcro said.

[stopdog]

I wish I was surprised it did not go well but I am not. Good luck with whatever you choose as your next move

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I wish I was surprised it did not go well but I am not. Good luck with whatever you choose as your next move

No next moves about this. I’ve been dragged through enough. Disengagement is the order of the day.