Fixing lost trust

Apologies, it’s long!
What do you do when you’ve lost your connection with T? I’m so full of feelings of mistrust at the moment and I have been holding back and just can’t feel safe, even though I really want to.
I have not been in a great place and have not been able to talk to her about it. I am not great at communicating but I know she has no idea unless I tell her and I’m really struggling to.

I like her a lot and think she is a perfect match for me and brings out that attachment feeling in me that I struggle to have, and I’m finding that very difficult because I think she sort of did something to make me lose trust. I’ll go into that in the next paragraph. Around the same time, the best thing in my life that has always been a lifeline to me has sort of fallen apart and the loss of both has been too much for me. I haven’t been able to go into it with her and I’ve gone back to to cope. We’ve never discussed this because as far as I was aware it wasn’t even a thing anymore as it’s been that long since I’ve done it. Can’t believe I’m back there again. If I was doing therapy right, I definitely shouldn’t be!

So here’s what happened with her. I had an extremely connected session with her. The best ever I would say, kind of. She took control of the session, said it was time and asked me a few innocent questions but threw in a not so innocent one but disguised it as innocent if that makes sense? I immediately got defensive and asked why she was asking that as I knew it was an attempt to open up a conversation about the adult who she knows I was Now I know this conversation needs to happen, and I do feel for her that she’s trying to help me with my issues and always had to tip toe around it, which we have both acknowledged. But I am glad I resisted because she then proceeded to say things that made me feel so safe and connected, more than I ever have done before in my life.

And then she announced that she’s going on vacation and apologised when she realised she forgot to tell me. Ok, I thought I can handle this. I actually thought I was getting dumped prior to this session (for no real reason, just things that I thought up in my head) and was mentally prepared to let her go. Then this happens and I feel like I attached in a way I never have before and then she’s gone for 3 weeks.

She offered me contact if i needed it and said if she didn’t hear from me that she would contact me to check in with me, which she did and i said I was fine. I was fine (ish) with her vacation, (you know logically)but I wasn’t fine with the realisation that she tried to get me to talk about that person in my life, right before she disappeared on me. I think I am having a hard time trusting her after that, like seriously why did she think that was a good idea!? She knows how ****ed up I was the last time I tried (she sent me for a psych evaluation over it)
Then I start doubting myself thinking maybe it didn’t happen or I misunderstood her intentions or whatever because why would she do that to me!?
So what I really want to know is how do I repair my trust with her ? I don’t want to tell her about all of this. She has noticed I have been resistant and avoidant ever since she came back but I really don’t want to tell her why. I can feel myself getting more distant and wanting to quit so that I never feel anything for her again. But at the same time I’m so desperate to be understood and she understands me so much more than any other T I’ve had.
Thoughts on this situation so welcome and appreciate please! Thank you guys ❤️❤️