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AnaWhitney
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Default Jun 29, 2023 at 06:15 PM
  #1
Apologies, it’s long!
What do you do when you’ve lost your connection with T? I’m so full of feelings of mistrust at the moment and I have been holding back and just can’t feel safe, even though I really want to.
I have not been in a great place and have not been able to talk to her about it. I am not great at communicating but I know she has no idea unless I tell her and I’m really struggling to.

I like her a lot and think she is a perfect match for me and brings out that attachment feeling in me that I struggle to have, and I’m finding that very difficult because I think she sort of did something to make me lose trust. I’ll go into that in the next paragraph. Around the same time, the best thing in my life that has always been a lifeline to me has sort of fallen apart and the loss of both has been too much for me. I haven’t been able to go into it with her and I’ve gone back to
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to cope. We’ve never discussed this because as far as I was aware it wasn’t even a thing anymore as it’s been that long since I’ve done it. Can’t believe I’m back there again. If I was doing therapy right, I definitely shouldn’t be!

So here’s what happened with her. I had an extremely connected session with her. The best ever I would say, kind of. She took control of the session, said it was time and asked me a few innocent questions but threw in a not so innocent one but disguised it as innocent if that makes sense? I immediately got defensive and asked why she was asking that as I knew it was an attempt to open up a conversation about the adult who she knows I was
Possible trigger:
Now I know this conversation needs to happen, and I do feel for her that she’s trying to help me with my issues and always had to tip toe around it, which we have both acknowledged. But I am glad I resisted because she then proceeded to say things that made me feel so safe and connected, more than I ever have done before in my life.

And then she announced that she’s going on vacation and apologised when she realised she forgot to tell me. Ok, I thought I can handle this. I actually thought I was getting dumped prior to this session (for no real reason, just things that I thought up in my head) and was mentally prepared to let her go. Then this happens and I feel like I attached in a way I never have before and then she’s gone for 3 weeks.

She offered me contact if i needed it and said if she didn’t hear from me that she would contact me to check in with me, which she did and i said I was fine. I was fine (ish) with her vacation, (you know logically)but I wasn’t fine with the realisation that she tried to get me to talk about that person in my life, right before she disappeared on me. I think I am having a hard time trusting her after that, like seriously why did she think that was a good idea!? She knows how ****ed up I was the last time I tried (she sent me for a psych evaluation over it)
Then I start doubting myself thinking maybe it didn’t happen or I misunderstood her intentions or whatever because why would she do that to me!?
So what I really want to know is how do I repair my trust with her ? I don’t want to tell her about all of this. She has noticed I have been resistant and avoidant ever since she came back but I really don’t want to tell her why. I can feel myself getting more distant and wanting to quit so that I never feel anything for her again. But at the same time I’m so desperate to be understood and she understands me so much more than any other T I’ve had.
Thoughts on this situation so welcome and appreciate please! Thank you guys ❤️❤️
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Default Jun 29, 2023 at 06:51 PM
  #2
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Ruptures are never easy.

I'm having trust issues with L right now, too. What helped for me is when J (her colleague) asked me what I would tell J to do if she was in the same situation as me. I am able to hold L in mind, so I knew logically that the right thing to do was to communicate with L. And I did. I called up L, left her a voicemail telling her why I wanted to push her away. We talked on the phone the next morning. It helped and it stirred up other feelings. So I emailed L and told her. Her response to my email again helped, but still the feelings persisted. So I asked for another phone call. We just hung up about 5mins ago. I cried, she cried. There were reassurances, and yet again the feelings persist. I have a double session with her tomorrow.

For me, the right thing to do was to communicate with L. In DBT, I thinks it's called opposite reaction. Basically, you do opposite of what you want to do. You know what's healthy and what's not. You know what's right for you and what's not.

Here's a question: what would it be like if you did leave your T? How would you feel? Better? Worse? What if talking to her about everything could strengthen your relationship with her? Rupture/repair is healing and it does strengthen relationships (I find at least).

How long have you been with this T? I have 4 years of building a foundation with L that really helps me during these times.

I know you said you don't want to tell her. I would suggest telling her. What do you have to lose if you're going to leave? Maybe write her instead of verbalizing it? Tell her everything. Don't hold back. If she's a good T, she can hold your hurt and anger. Like my situation, she might not be able to fix what happened (her trying to force you talking about the person), AND there still might be healing to be done in it all.

Whatever you decide, please stay safe!

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Default Jun 29, 2023 at 07:14 PM
  #3
Thank you Scarlet! I read your thread about this and I was so in awe of how you are handling it all. Not easy by any means I am sure but I feel very far away from being able to be like that.
I am with my T 6 months which I realise isn’t long in comparison. I know everyone says to take it slow but I’m always in a rush to do the work before I get myself terminated. Like I just can’t imagine myself in therapy for years, I don’t feel like my problems are that bad. I don’t feel I will have that long or would even deserve that long to build a relationship.
Therapy hurts, that’s all I know
I really don’t think I can tell her. Theres a strong chance she wont even remember the session in question. We’ve switched to working on goals instead and although it was a relief in a way, I’m devastated that we are giving up on the other stuff as I always felt it wasn’t important to anybody and now it feels like it really lies forgotten. Maybe I should go with it and see if it helps our relationship to work on something else.
Hugs to you, hope your situation continues to work out as best as it can ❤️❤️
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Default Jul 06, 2023 at 01:24 PM
  #4
I am going to bring it up with her as I now feel like I hate her. I know she won’t even remember the session in question, that’s more reason for me to hate her and I will tell her that. That she has the ability to totally **** me up and then she gets to just forget about it, but I’m supposed to trust her, even after she tried to get me to talk about that person knowing full well she’d be leaving me alone with it for 3 weeks and that I was unaware.
And now every week she gets to sit there while I struggle because I’m trying to let it go but I’ve got more resistant than ever. She even did this huge sigh when I just wouldn’t answer her questions and I felt so guilty for being difficult.
If it ruins our relationship so be it, at least I’ll know where I stand again
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Default Jul 06, 2023 at 05:43 PM
  #5
L is teaching me that hate is also an important human feeling. As weird as it sounds, she's proud if me for being able to feel it even if it's directed at her. She knows I would never hurt her intentionally, and feels comfortable with my anger and hate.

Hate isn't the opposite of love. Disgust is. Usually, you feel hate because you care about something.

It's good that you are getting in touch with your feelings. It's good that you're planning on expressing them. These are healthy things. I do hope your T is open to them and has empathy for you.

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Default Jul 12, 2023 at 03:04 PM
  #6
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Originally Posted by AnaWhitney View Post
I am going to bring it up with her as I now feel like I hate her. I know she won’t even remember the session in question, that’s more reason for me to hate her and I will tell her that. That she has the ability to totally **** me up and then she gets to just forget about it, but I’m supposed to trust her, even after she tried to get me to talk about that person knowing full well she’d be leaving me alone with it for 3 weeks and that I was unaware.
And now every week she gets to sit there while I struggle because I’m trying to let it go but I’ve got more resistant than ever. She even did this huge sigh when I just wouldn’t answer her questions and I felt so guilty for being difficult.
If it ruins our relationship so be it, at least I’ll know where I stand again
How did it go? How are you feeling?
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Default Jul 12, 2023 at 05:19 PM
  #7
Eh, it didn’t happen 🙈🙈 She was extra bright and chatty and I felt I had to go with it 🤣 So I sort of swallowed my feelings… We are doing surfacey stuff so it was easy to just roll with it. Faking it does help sometimes in the short term and I did get some decent advice from her so it was sort of ok.
I feel like I’m abandoned on the hard stuff to be honest and like I’ll always be on my own. I’ve given myself a nice new burn and looking at it / feeling it sting helps I guess! I know I can do it again if I need to and that helps!
I feel so pathetic about it as I’m a grown woman and should know better..But I can get on with things etc and have good moments too so it’s not so bad.
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Default Jul 14, 2023 at 04:24 PM
  #8
Guys I’m just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this -
I want to be honest with my T and tell her about the self harm (at some point) I’m worried though that she might see it that therapy is bad for me since it’s making me worse and stop seeing me over it.

I’m also worried she might feel bad or even incompetent that I’ve got worse during therapy and I’m wondering if I should pretend the self harm is a longer term thing rather than a recent flare up partly because of how much therapy has hurt and brought up lately.

I just feel like it’s inevitable that I won’t be able to do any of this. I can’t deal with things as they come up. I don’t want to be on my own again. I have no trusting relationships in life which is why I’m in therapy and now I’m failing at the relationships with a THERAPIST!

Should I tell her but pretend it’s been a more long term thing to avoid either of those scenarios above ?
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Default Jul 15, 2023 at 06:49 AM
  #9
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Originally Posted by AnaWhitney View Post
Guys I’m just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this -
I want to be honest with my T and tell her about the self harm (at some point) I’m worried though that she might see it that therapy is bad for me since it’s making me worse and stop seeing me over it.

I’m also worried she might feel bad or even incompetent that I’ve got worse during therapy and I’m wondering if I should pretend the self harm is a longer term thing rather than a recent flare up partly because of how much therapy has hurt and brought up lately.

I just feel like it’s inevitable that I won’t be able to do any of this. I can’t deal with things as they come up. I don’t want to be on my own again. I have no trusting relationships in life which is why I’m in therapy and now I’m failing at the relationships with a THERAPIST!

Should I tell her but pretend it’s been a more long term thing to avoid either of those scenarios above ?
First, I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Hugs, if wanted.

It's difficult to know what to suggest, as, in my experience, T's (and pdocs) can have a widely varied reaction to SH. They can range from thinking a client needs to be hospitalized or at least in a day program to sort of shrugging and moving on to the next topic (my current T is the latter--I honestly feel like he under-reacts and told him that once).

I have worried when I told him that I SHed in part due to something he said and what that brought up in me (like stuff from my past), fearing it would seem like "look what you made me do!" At the same time, I felt I needed to let him know exactly how bad certain things were for me, how deeply they could affect me and how much I was hurting.

So I think you should tell her. But, like you said, maybe mention that it's something you've done in the past. I would also consider underplaying it a bit at first (like how minor it is) until you see how she reacts to it. In case she's the sort that freaks out about it.
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Default Jul 15, 2023 at 09:07 AM
  #10
I believe in honesty first. I have seen how lies can literally ruin people's lives. I also believe that of you're not upfront, how can anyone help?

Like LT said, there is a range of ways your T can react. I need my Ts to not panic and definitely not threaten hospitalization. Then again, I'm not currently SH'ing and haven't for 8+ years. L and I process why my SI and SH parts are active: what they need and want, what they're trying to say or what they're trying to protect me from. We find value in all my parts including the dangerous ones.

It's completely up to you if and how you disclose your SH. You can always have a discussion about your history with SH and what type of reaction would be helpful BEFORE you disclose the current SH. That way you can get a feel about how she'll react.

If you want help with it, I firmly believe being honest about it. Again, that's just me.

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Default Jul 15, 2023 at 09:56 AM
  #11
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I believe in honesty first. I have seen how lies can literally ruin people's lives. I also believe that of you're not upfront, how can anyone help?

Like LT said, there is a range of ways your T can react. I need my Ts to not panic and definitely not threaten hospitalization. Then again, I'm not currently SH'ing and haven't for 8+ years. L and I process why my SI and SH parts are active: what they need and want, what they're trying to say or what they're trying to protect me from. We find value in all my parts including the dangerous ones.

It's completely up to you if and how you disclose your SH. You can always have a discussion about your history with SH and what type of reaction would be helpful BEFORE you disclose the current SH. That way you can get a feel about how she'll react.

If you want help with it, I firmly believe being honest about it. Again, that's just me.
This bolded part is a really good idea, especially if you've never discussed it with her. You could also ask how she generally handles SH with clients.

I also wanted to add that something I've told my T is that, even though he isn't concerned about it in terms of my safety, it's very distressing to me to feel that way, whether the desire to SH or actually acting on it (I haven't SHed in a while either). I think that helped him to understand.

And also explaining the reasons that you do it or feel the desire to, as different people do it for different reasons. Mine comes more from self-loathing, a sort of punishment almost, for example. Others might do it just to feel something (if they're feeling numb) or as a sort of release or distraction from emotional pain (he mentioned that).
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Default Jul 15, 2023 at 02:14 PM
  #12
Thanks guys! I felt like I wanted help with it yesterday but now I don’t! It’s comforting for me to know I can do it if she hurts me. So I don’t want her to know.
It’s just for me, it’s how I can be there for myself. I don’t know if that makes sense

I’ve done it on and off over the years, but never felt like I was relying on it like I am now. I did it once because of therapy with an old T when a strange feeling came up. But we never clicked and I always felt like a fake when I was with her… and I never felt like she could actually hurt me because I didn’t feel much for her.

Now it’s the opposite, and I feel like she has the power to destroy me. And I need to SH because of her. Because she is going to betray me.
When my
Possible trigger:


I sound like a maniac 🙈

Is it normal to want help and then not want help at the same time?

I will think about asking her hypothetically maybe.

LT, when you say to downplay it, how do I do that ?

I might talk about it as an old bad habit to test the waters incase I want to talk in the future

Thanks guys

Last edited by AnaWhitney; Jul 15, 2023 at 02:30 PM..
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Default Jul 15, 2023 at 04:14 PM
  #13
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LT, when you say to downplay it, how do I do that ?
First, you don't sound like a maniac.

Possible trigger:

In terms of downplaying, the best way to explain would also be under a trigger.
Possible trigger:

Hope that helps somewhat! I can explain more if you want.
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Default Jul 15, 2023 at 05:10 PM
  #14
It does help. I never would have thought of that. Yes please explain more!
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Default Jul 27, 2023 at 02:46 PM
  #15
Told her about the SH! She was great about it. No consequences, no trying to stop me from doing it etc. We had a really great session and I feel myself being more open. I love and hate great sessions.
Love it because I feel connected and understood for the first time
Hate it because of how much that hurts
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