Questions for temporary T

I have my 20min appointment set to talk to G on August 4th. I'm super nervous. L says she trust him and it will be a good fit. I've never had an individual male T. And since it will only be temporary and he is a male, I don't know what questions to ask. Any ideas are welcomed!

So far I know from L:
He's empathetic and good at emotional presence. Will not just suggest skills when in a crisis. Does not judge me for BPD diagnosis. Understands my history and current situation with SI and SH. And allows between session emails and 20min phone calls w/o charge.

I don't know what else to ask or expect. I know I'll be talking to L about this as well, but I wanted to get some input from the wise forums.

Well, with emails, questions I would ask would be:
How often is email allowed?
Will you always respond? (Or only if I request a response?)

If so, in what time frame will you respond? Do you respond on weekends/after work hours?

With calls, you could ask how much advance notice is needed and what times he's willing to do phone calls--like could you request a call at 4 pm and talk to him that night? Would it be the next day? Is it only during his work hours?

I know in another post, you were wondering about whether he takes your insurance and, if there's a problem, whether he'd offer a sliding scale (and what that amount is). So that could be something to ask, too, though you wouldn't want to take up the whole time with him, say, looking up your insurance.

Do you know how often he's willing to have sessions, whether it's the same frequency as L?

Great questions, LT! Thank you.

All the questions about emails and phone calls are important to me. I'm hoping he will do the same as L: reply before noon the next day or tell me when he'll reply.

Frequency of sessions will depend on if we're going through insurance or his sliding scale fee...and how much availability he has. Thankfully, he's onlt virtual, so I could do it almost anytime.

Whether we go through insurance or do sliding scale will actually be up to the insurance. We're doing a single case agreement, and L is going to try to add G to the contract. If insurance approves, he'll accept my insurance. If they deny him, then it will be sliding scale. L will find out in August when she resubmits the claim.

Glad they helped, Scarlet! L's email policy sounds similar to Dr. T's, with replying the next morning. It helps to know what to expect.


Oh, so with insurance, does that mean he's going to accept the insurance for the time he's seeing you, but not become a provider under that insurance for others? I've heard of therapists doing that--I'm glad he's willing/able to do that for you! I hope it works out, as I imagine that would be considerably less expensive than sliding scale, unless he's willing to temporarily match, say, what you pay L in copays, something like that.

Yes, if insurance approves him, he'll accept insurance. 99% of the time, none of the therapists accept insurance. L did this specially for me, and G would do it, too. They get paid more through insurance than I can afford. Their rate is $210 a session. My copay is $45. H won't let me pay much more than $90 a week. I really hope insurance approves of G.

I would not even consider a male therapist so my view is skewed. However, I would want to know about his modality and how he envisaged short term work with deep and difficult issues like abandonment which have become forefront due to the circumstances. I would want to know his stance on my deal-breaker issues. For example, I will only work with a female therapist who is a feminist or at least female-centred - you might have your own fundamentals, my example obviously doesn't apply in this instance. I would want to check out his alliance - what conflict is there between him being your therapist and also a (close?) colleague of L? Is he capable of staying with your frame of reference and not leaving it to consider L. He is likely to give a flippant answer about this, but I would really push him on it because I don't think it's as easy as is often claimed.

Overall, I think you should really consider if you want to work with him. Just because L has recommended him, it doesn't mean he will be right for you. I think you are in danger of following her direction because of how you feel about her. This is about him and his suitability. I would also be looking at other options (including no therapist at all).

Comrade, you make some good points.

I hadn't thought of his relationship with L. This is something that came up in my working with ex-T and ex-MC, actually. And now, with Dr. T and his backup, R. With R, at one point, I granted her permission to share with Dr. T. But then there was one session where I shared a lot and felt uneasy about her telling Dr. T about it--like I told her I'd tell him in my own way, but was afraid of what she'd say. So temporarily revoked my permission (she was completely fine with it). Ex-T would never share something unless she asked permission explicitly. Later, I found out ex-MC had shared a bunch with ex-T that I didn't know about, which felt really awkward.

Scarlet, something you may want to ask him about is how much he's going to share with L. Are you going to feel free to say whatever you're feeling to him--like if you're angry at L, do you feel you can speak your mind to him without wondering if he'll take it to L later? Would he be OK if you said, "Please don't share this with L"? Or, even if you're fine with him sharing anything, is there a concern that he might be defensive of L? Just some things to consider.

Cripes LT, I would have simply assumed that nothing would be shared! With that in mind Scarlet, I think it would be a really useful idea to consider the possibility of him not sharing anything in order to protect the confines of the temporary work as well as to provide a water tight container for all your feelings. Just you. Again, I wonder if you will be keen on the idea of him sharing because of your belief in absolute honesty and because of your feelings for L, but it is worth considering doing something differently.

Thank you, Comarade!
I'm not sure what fundamentals I want from G. There are some boundaries I have, like he deals a lot with religious trauma, and I don't feel comfortable talking with someone new about my religious trauma. I also need him to know his place: he is NOT my therapist; he is only temporary. I want him to listen and be empathetic. And I don't need him overreacting to SI and SH thoughts, but L says he's good with those things. I guess I could ask when I talk to him just to confirm.

I will definitely consider whether I want to work with him or not. That's the purpose of the 4ths meeting. Just because L trusts him, doesn't mean I'll feel I can work with him. I only have worked with female Ts because I need that attachment to do the trauma work. However, I don't think I want a fenale temporary T because of my tendency to attach to them. I don't attach to males, so it will make it somewhat easier on me. I do have J and T, who I've already have a type of bond with, I could see instead. I would rather keep them as backup though. T, I feel distant from. I think because it's been 4+ years since she was my active therapist. J, on the other hand, I do feel close to, but I like the boundaries of our relationship right now, and don't want to mess with it. L has another female therapist in mind if I don't like G. So there are many options. But if I don't like G, I think I'll go with J because I already know her.

LT and Comarade,
You make a good point about sharing with L. AND your right, Comarade: not sharing conflicts with my belief in openness and honesty with L. Maybe I can set rules? Like I get to share with L what I want and when I want, not him? And then afterwards, he can update her with anything (or everything) I approve of.

I am choosing someone close to L. But J is going to be the one who gives me updates on L since I already established a bond with her. G and L know about my anger. I forgot to add in my first post that G knows that I already have (misplaced) anger towards him. L says he's okay with it.

About my anger toward L: she definitely knows. She gets told every session and in every email. For once in my life, I'm not taking my anger out on myself.

L asked my permission to share with him my safety plan and I told her it's okay. I'm not going to share my whole history with G. I do believe he should know basics like my safety plan, my belief in honesty, and my feelings about everything. Beyond that it's a "we'll see".