Couch 245: STELLA!

Something very strange is happening today and I'm not sure what to make of it. Earlier when we were on our family zoom call (myself, mom & brother) my mom mentioned that (trigger for weight talk) but the weird thing is what her comment has done to my head - it's always felt to me like the only time she ever approves of me is when this particular thing is occurring and now, instead of just feeling encouraged that someone noticed, I've got the munchies and I just want to eat everything in the house!! I'm not going to. I'm focusing on work this afternoon and as soon as I get off work in about 30 minutes I'm going to open up a word doc and get to thinkwriting about why this is! I'm waiting on a slow work program right now so figured I'm jump in here for a minute while it loads.

Gee, does anyone ever get healed enough to where this **** stops happening? I wonder.

Artie - yeah what IS that about?! I think with my mom, it was her way of not letting me rest. Of letting me know love was conditional and i was no where close to meeting those conditions. That she made this decision before i was born and was never going to change her mind. So.

So its not just a matter of, gee im going over my calorie alloc for the day. Its - this feels like a survival issue. And if i eat, then i will survive.

I have been having such a sense of peace this weekend, of nobody rushing me, of nobody criticizing me. Of peacefully enjoying fruit and coffee in the morning, and then thats enough.

Thank you! I feel really good about it especially now that I got through it. A little part of me is hoping there's a "next time". And maybe something I'd feel comfortable participating in besides a meal. They were at a Casino so we didn't feel comfortable swimming with them or gambling with them.

Speaking of casinos, h just left for a delivery to a hospital in Vegas, so he's going to spend tonight and tomorrow night in Laughlin which is about 90 minutes south of Vegas, at his favorite casino there. They sent him a flier with 2 free nights in July, so he's using them on the last 2 nights of the month haha. So, that means I have the house to myself (well, me and the cats) til he gets home Tuesday afternoon! woohoo!

Okay now it's time for me to go write and figure out why I want to eat everything rn. That self-awareness is good though, the recognizing that it's in my head and not actual hunger...

I'm glad you're having a peaceful weekend.

What I bolded - I've already started figuring it out. Of course, it has something to do with my codependency thing, it almost has to, right? And omg this is convoluted but here goes:

It’s about her seeing me. I don’t want her to look at me. I’ve almost never been enough for her in the past, so it's gotta be fake when she acts like I am. It's about me thinking something along the lines of "just go back to the expected acting like I’m not good enough which will happen soon enough again anyway and look at C (my brother) again. Let him dominate this call like he usually does and everybody stop looking at me."

Maybe I am still broken . SO glad I have my CoDA meeting in about an hour, I may have to talk about this a little when it's time to share. Eh, I'm going for a walk til meeting time.

Artie - just to ascertain. What you originally wrote got me asking MYSELF yeah wth was that. It just really resonated with me. I wasnt asking YOU. More like i was sharing the question with you?

Ya know, i only took the ozempic for 2 weeks, but it was like opening the door to shangri-la - i had never before known a world where i was. Not. Hungry. There was a different state of being available to me. I want to go back to that world. But without all the weird stomach beeps and boops. Geez it took me 6 months to get my pooping back to normal.

It doesn’t stop happening—you just get better at managing your reactions.

I think personally excess weight is linked to not feeling safe. Eating is just comforting and something we learn as babies. You were triggered, it makes sense that you would get the munchies. I think what you also shared in your last post is also relevant to this. That she also didn't approve of your relationship with first girlfriend.

Hope you can write things out, but I agree with @@, you learn to cope better.

Have you worked with a dietician before to target weightloss? They can help you find a way to eat better minus the hunger.

I am really struggling with my work around childhood sexual abuse. It is painful working with the brutality of what my life was like back then (even without digging into the specifics during sessions) but then the additional layer of the relational stuff between me and her feels dreadful. It's humiliating to want to matter to her, to want to ask her if I matter. On one level, I recognise it as a natural human need (and thank god that hasn't been totally knocked out of me), but I also feel degraded. I am already splayed open and then needing to ask if she cares about what she sees is nauseating. Maybe I will start a separate thread about this.

it's all good, i got that, but responding here seems to really get my thinking going so i did

that's a good point, thanks. another thing to add to my list of 'things artie just needs to accept'. I am getting a little better at managing my reactions anyway, at least as far as this time, I noticed it was happening and didn't go into the mindless eating like i would have in the past. I noticed and did what L would have suggested - wrote, went for a walk, & shared about it in my coda meeting last night. I made it through the day/night without lapsing into the old behavior.

RIP Peewee Herman and Sinead O'Connor

Two names you would not expect to hear in the same sentence... I'd heard about Sinead (and felt sad about it) but hadn't heard about Peewee. I didn't realize he was as old as he was.

Had my first appointment with my new PCP today who is female, first time I have ever had a female PCP. For most of my life I have had a male PCP and a female Therapist now it is opposite, female PCP and male Therapist.

Maybe it would best to stop for now or go much slower with this topic.

Feeling degraded and humiliated are painful places to be. Some might say it gets worse before it gets better, but there are other alternatives to therapy and healing. Therapy is simply not for everyone. You don't have to white knuckle through it.

Listen to your gut feeling and let your intuition guide you.

I am so tired of waking up early for no reason.

Can being under stress cause that kind of thing?

Hi everyone. Hopefully I am back now for at least a while. My mental health seems a bit better. Even though it took an extra anti-depressant to get here. But of course, you get one plate spinning in the air and anothre one comes crashing down. Now my neck/shoulder/back that has been bothering me for years and which I started doing something about like last year this time is getting worse. Spent the night at the ER last night for several hours. They did another x-ray but I really think I need an MRI and a referral from my GP to a specialist. But I called my GP today and she is out of the country for a few weeks so I can't get in to see her for a few weeks. I think she is in Romania. Although she didn't mention her vacation at our last appointment. oh well. She probably didn't think I would be calling for an appointment in a month. Oh well. I will run out of the medicine from the ER by then but maybe it will be enough just to get me through. It's not a pain medicine, it's an anti-imflammatory of some kind but I guess pain relief might come if things aren't imflamed in my neck. Ah well.

planning on going back to school next month. Getting everything in place. Gonna get some more skills so I am able to be better at my job or I will be in a better position for another job if this workplace doesn't get a bit more profitable. Trying to think ahead. I got a lot of units transferred so that's good. Basically just need about a year and a half or so to complete. That's not bad. Plus I know someone who works there and may be able to give me perspective about things. And I got a lot of ADA stuff going on for the school so that way like the Schizoaffective stuff and the ADHD stuff doesn't become a downfall.

Things are good with my T. I see her tomorrow virtually. I am looking forward to that. Just got back from my sister's wedding over the weekend so probably need to process all of that.

hey, first ever manicure happened this last weekend. That's a big step!

I hope to be around more frequently, and hopefully most days in a week, going forward as long as I can stay stable on these medications. HUGS to anyone who wants. Kit

Me and Dad have Rams training camp tickets for Saturday. Yay for football! Very excited. And I can wear my new jersey.

Hi Kit! Good to see you here. Sounds like you have a lot going on! I hope your neck/shoulder/back feel better soon. School sounds exciting. I've been considering taking another class or two, not sure what yet.

Have fun at the Rams training camp thing on Saturday!