I want to know if my therapist has been abusive towards me...

I've been with him for 4 years for some kind of psychoanalysis that's once a week and now i consider leaving.

and he has these boundaries:

- you don't show up to a session you pay for it or reschedule to same week, if there is avilability.

-if you take a break from therapy, he immediately puts in someone new and you can't return

-if you are taking a vacation longer than one week, you will either have to quit therapy or pay for all the sessions you will miss.


I told him I won't be able to meet him next month and that I can't pay for these sessions.

His reply was that if I take a break, the therapy will end because other people need him and he will take in to therapy someone else who is avilable.

I told him if this is the case, then I want to quit.

then there were some things that seemed to me like red flags

which i'm unsure about:


- telling me that I better remember the other therapists i've been before him and how they were (meaning, that i was not happy with them because they has less strict boundaries)

-telling me that i need to recall how much i wanted this thereapy with him and that I even agreed to wait 6 months for it

-If I do a break I will not have a chance to see him again, because he will take someone else

-telling me that I should focus on him helping me and not others, and that the therapy should be personal.

-I told him in the past that I had abandoment issues, and I found it very difficult to leave my parents house, and that I keep coming back to them.

are these red flags?

is he using my personal information to take advantage of me and keep me in therapy?

I am also coming to the meetings very stressed, hinting there is a strong transference here and I'm not leaving the sessions feeling much different, only a little bit of relief sometimes, nothing major.

maybe this is how psychoanalysts work and these are their boundaries?

or is he taking advantage of my attachment to him and not wanting to leave after 4 years together?

Hi,

My understanding is that psychoanalysis requires the most significant commitment within any therapeutic modality.

The frequency of sessions is part of the therapeutic work.

You hit the nail on the head when you said 'This is how psychoanalysts work and these are their boundaries.'

I hope you are able to find a form of therapy that suits your circumstances better if that is what you would like to do.

Take care,

Lost

He sounds like a jerk and my suggestion is to run as far away from this guy as possible - he is using emotional manipulation to keep you as his meal ticket/feed his insanely over the top ego - is what it sounds like to me

thank you

thanks for the opinion.
are you familiar with the method of psychoanalysis?

I agree that psychoanalysis (or any type of therapy, really) is a commitment. However, he is acting very manipulative and I think what you’re picking up on (him taking advantage of your vulnerabilities) is spot on. It’s unethical to coerce a client into staying with the therapist (using tactics like “you waited 6 months to see me” or “remember all the bad therapists you had before me”, etc.). Therapists might recommend a client continue therapy if they believe it’s for the client’s benefit, but what he’s doing is extremely inappropriate. He sounds incredibly narcissistic.

You take a vacation and miss a session you still have to pay for it? Wow...

I've heard of this before with psychoanalysts specifically--where the client has a slot held for them and must pay for the slot whether they attend or not. I don't think I could see someone with that policy, but I believe it's a particular therapeutic philosophy.

It's normal for pyschoanalyst.

Really - it has not been the experience I have had with my therapist... and at one time I was seeing her 4x week. (my only experience with someone doing psychoanalysis or psychoanalytic psychotherapy)

As far as I understand psychoanalysis is done with very frequent sessions 3-5x week. And psychoanalytic psychotherapy at 2-3x per week.

At 1 x a week, it shouldn't be a big deal for you to take a break without having to pay to hold your spot. Though, it is a business and he has every right to make his rules. That being said, IMO the way he is handling it is very manipulative and seems like a major red flag to me.

Just a bit of feedback on this thread. I just got back from a session with a T that I saw while my T was out on medical. He has an opening coming up at the end of Aug. My T isn't closing her practice until the end of Sept. He is willing to hold that slot (a weekly slot) for me until she has closed or we have completely wrapped up. He doesn't believe in overlapping of that closure/grieving. He primarily does psychoanalytic psychotherapy. So really when it comes to holding slots it's each therapist to their own.

I'm with LT on someone requiring me to pay for a slot when I am giving them plenty of heads up, is not someone I would want to see.

I don’t care what kind of therapy it is but I’ll never see a therapist or a doctor or anyone who makes me pay for cancelled appointments.

Your session becomes the space. A T agrees to commit to that session, same hour same days. Even if youre not there it's your session, and/or my T held that time for me. How I used it was up to me. Is If ghosted her that was how I was choosing to use that space.. Beingg as it's a long term commitment it's holds more value to both. When I was on holiday T still thought about and held onto that space we shared together ...I could email or phone in that space still. My paying for that hour was my commitment...therapy isn't just about being there or not.

You have a valid opinion as that’s how you do things. If you can afford and are willing to pay for sessions that never took place, it’s fine.

I don’t know anyone (neither irl nor in this sub forum) who’ll be willing to pay for therapy when on planned vacation or other family obligation that was planned, sick with covid or had a natural disaster knocking power lines down (if they weren’t emailing or calling during missed session). But of course if you want to continue paying, it’s your prerogative.

The way this dude went about it is also rude. Rude therapist isn’t my kind of therapist. But again to each its own

But that's my point... My therapy took place even when I was on holiday. ...I held it in mind. I held the fact this hours, days were there even when I wasnt. A lot of long term therapy is held in mind.

I'm no longer in therapy, if I were, I'd pay if the absence was down to me. Your Ts way of going anboutit is a different matter. Mine was nothing but gentleness and clear eplaination. Though in my first year I did feel resentful until it became clear to me on a knowing level what the paiying was really about....

Now are we talking about missing a session and not nothing them? Yes then it’s common and understandable. But to miss and notify them beforehand (more than 24 hours) and still get charged to me is not acceptable. I wouldn’t stand for it.

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I'm talking about, say, a person's session is every Tuesday at 2 p.m. The client pays for that slot no matter what, even if they tell the therapist a month before that they'll be out of town or otherwise unavailable. Or if there was an emergency the day of session. I couldn't work with that.


I agree with there being a no-show or last-minute cancellation policy. Though my past and current therapists have been flexible, not charging if it was a sudden illness or family emergency (though I'm generally reliable--if a client did that once a month, I could see charging after a bit).

I understand your point. And it’s your choice to pay for sessions when you aren’t there. Most people won’t go for it.

I personally don’t want to pay someone while I am not there. Again if you want to pay, it’s fine

Sorry, but this is not how psychoanalysis works. Other than the first "boundary", the rest of them are completely unreasonable. Expecting a client to pay for sessions while they are on vacation and cannot attend or else they can't return to therapy is extortion and completely unethical.

Exactly.

Sure apparently some clients are willing to pay for sessions they don’t attend, but it doesn’t mean it’s ethical or appropriate for a therapist to ask for it and charge for it.

I also thought how many people use their health insurance to cover partially or fully all or some sessions. Mine covers unlimited sessions.

Therapists would know better not to bill for sessions that never took place. Insurance wouldn’t cover that and in fact it would be fraudulent to expect to get paid for something that never took place to “keep the spot”. Yet these therapists think it’s fine to demand that clients pay for sessions that never happened!

Late to this discussion—I see a psychoanalyst. He does not charge me for missed sessions that are planned in advance. We've never discussed rules around breaks or vacations so I don't think there's anything set in stone.

Also: psychoanalysis usually involves 3-5 sessions per week, so this guy is not really doing psychoanalysis with you.

In any case, whatever is or is not normal, I think the question is whether this therapist is helpful for you and whether you are getting what you need from the relationship. Only you can answer that. If the answer is no, it might be time to look for something new.