How do you know when it’s time to leave?

I mistakenly thought that therapy would fix me. I spent more than a decade seeing bad therapists, then found a good one that I have been with for 7 years. I think my goal was to become ‘normal’, a goal that I soon found out was not attainable.

I have had many life changes in this time, changes jobs, left people behind, gained new people that also did not stick around. So I think I may have changed, yet I am still stuck with some patterns that just do not go away. It seems to be based on luck at this point, like who I meet and what opportunities I get.

My therapist no longer guides the way, in terms of trying to get me to see my job is crap or the people around me don’t love me. I know that now. So I go there weekly and complain that I’m lonely, I’m struggling being a mum, that I have no prospects. He listens. I leave. Same again next week. Time to give up?

Maybe its time to have a discussion with him. Is the support helpful? What is it that you need from him now is it different than years ago? Maybe a different approach is needed now.

I don't know what I need from him. The connection? The feeling that someone actually cares about me, even though the moment I stop therapy I won't mean anything to him anymore. So I'll lose the only person that has seemed to care I guess.

This is why I have never benefited myself from straight talk therapy - even when cognitive behavioral tools were utilized (homework, journaling, etc.).

It sounds to me like you already know that you want to leave this therapist because time with him wastes your time, since he doesn't really help you make changes.

I support you leaving this therapist to find a better therapist or a different modality that will help you make the changes you seek in your life. Don't stay with a bad therapist. That is like justifying staying in a toxic relationship with a family member, friend, or romantic connection. Therapist relationships are not exempt. If the therapist is toxic or unhelpful then you have every right to leave.

If you don't mind me asking, what did help you?

This therapist sees me for almost no money, because I'm much poorer financially now than I was when I started to see him. So I won't be able to get a new therapist if I leave him.

It's the big scheme of things, 7 years ain't that long. I was still up in the air at that point in my therapy.

Were things still changing for you at 7 years?

I have been with my current T for nearly 8 years. About a year ago, I asked him if this is as good as it gets. Some things had improved, but some hadn't. I was (am) still anxious much of the time. I function pretty well in my daily life, but I rarely feel at ease and am often downright miserable. He said he thinks there is a 70% chance that things can still improve for me.

I will say that my therapy has never been linear. Growth has often come in bits and spurts with long periods in between. I feel like we are currently plateaued or perhaps stuck, but some of the most significant growth for me came in years 6 and 7 with him, so I'm hanging in there. But if I still feel stuck in another 6 months, then it's probably time for the conversation about what might need to change.

So for me, I'll have been with my current therapist 6 years tomorrow. We've gone through periods where things have seemed sort of stuck and/or in frequent and I thought I needed to leave and see someone else. (The early part of the pandemic also sort of stalled things, as I was just trying to make it through that.)

Maybe in the past year or so, I've been making more progress and we've been having more insights. I think it's because I've let myself share more about things I've been holding back, even though they're uncomfortable and could potentially make my T uncomfortable (one time, he said "we could be uncomfortable together"). So something I'd consider is whether you're holding anything back, whether about your current self, your past, or your relationship with your therapist. Note that one thing I shared led to a rather difficult and painful stretch of therapy, and I wondered whether I'd be able to continue with him. So it's not without risk. But we got through it. Something to consider.

Also, have you told him what you said in your initial post here? It's worth saying what you think you might need from him to see if he has ideas on how to potentially make changes to the therapy to help you.

I'm not sure. I had doubts I remember that.

I left the therapist I had worked with after 3.5 years, when I lost faith in his ability to help me.

I think you should trust your gut instinct on this. You can grow in ways other than just therapy.

I think I have posted about this before so excuse me if I am a broken record.

I read Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors and one of the things she talks about is impasse or seemingly unresolvable conflict in the therapy relationship. She describes how such stuckness can be an indication that the client is experiences internal conflict between different parts. Such conflict leads to a psychic paralysis which then shows itself (without resolution if no therapeutic intervention takes place) in the therapy relationship. Who knows how accurate this is, but I have found the concept useful in my therapy when I feel a lack of progress or attunement.

I don't think this is a get out of jail free card for a useless therapist, but since you have found him useful in the past it might be worth exploring with him.

I also agree with other posters than 7 years is not necessarily a long time in terms of resolving significant, life long issues.

I was with my T for 8 yrs and am only starting with a new T because she had to close up her practice. I know prior to the pandemic, I was wondering what was going to get me unstuck. I knew I was stuck and had a good understanding as to why. I just couldn't seem to get myself to push through my walls. Then the pandemic hit and things completely stalled out in terms of therapy for me. Without the in person sessions, I wasn't able to do the type of therapy we had been doing. I know the protentional loss when she had to take medical leave was a wake up call and would have made a difference; however, we didn't ever get to come back to in person prior to her announcing the need to close her practice. That reality, helped me push through a few things. At the same time, it brought up tons of other stuff. It didn't help that naively so, T had talked about there always being time, so I gave my parts the space and time to move or not move as they so desired. The truth is, there isn't always time ... and sometimes you need to remember that - or at least, I could have used the reminder. I think for me a reminder would have had to be more like what happened than just a talk. I think I would have had to experience the potentially real loss of her to grasp what it would mean to not have her. I'm not sure if talking about it would have made the reality change my internal sense of urgency.

So possibly thinking about what it would be like if you no longer had time with your T or if you realized your time with your T was limited, what would you do differently?

I think this sounds right. The questions are what intervention is needed for you, do you know, can you ask your T for it, is your T willing to provide it or help you with that intervention?
For me, I think I knew what I needed; I couldn't get myself to bring it up with my T at the time.

Not necessarily time to give up, but perhaps change focus or direction. If you have found him helpful in the past, but not so much now, then having that discussion with him as to how you can work together to achieve change (assuming you know what changes you want to make) may be the way to proceed.

Or, depending on how comfortable your relationship with your therapist is, maybe you just view this plateau as a weekly maintenance mode. A bit like treading water while you get your breath back and decide which direction to head for next. If finance is a limiting factor and it's a case of keep seeing him or no one, then use that as the impetus needed to revitalise the therapy relationship.

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I dont "leave therapy"

I take "breaks from therapy"

short version I always enter therapy with a problem that I need help with. my therapist and I work together to solve that problem. sometimes that means addressing more problem areas other times it doesnt.

end result when I find things are going well and I have accomplished what I set out to do, I say see you later sometime.

My therapist and i know that at some point in the future I may give him/her a call and say hey I have this problem, heres what I have tried and was wondering if you have anytime available, maybe together we can figure this out.

then its back therapy for a while until I have accomplished the goals and so forth around the problem and its no longer an issue, and no other problems rising to work on so its time to take a break so see you around some time.

I dont do "goodbyes to therapy" very well, something usually comes up eventually in life anyway. But I have mastered the "its time for a break see you around sometime." approach and it fits in well.