Couch 246: Choose Change

I think one could just say sorry about your dog when walking out at the end. I doon't think there is any reason to call attention to "I imagine you don't want to talk about it...." or "I know you don't..." = that to me is bonking into a boundary you know is set and sounds like trying to get the therapist into that discussion.

Wow, I didn’t think ex-hankster woke up that early.

I KNEW there was a joke there!

Oh you two

Admit it, we make your life more interesting.

Its funny cuz its true. I dont usually wake up that early.

If he offered and you want the session you should take it NP.

You don't need to justify the cupcakes either. It's a cute touch.

From what I have read, explaining gifts can come up in a lot of therapy. While not all gifts are a problem, and small homemade baked goods are common and not often a big deal - they can be.

" Many if not most authors seem to agree that a gift in psychotherapy requires the therapist to express genuine appreciation and gratitude and, when appropriate, to also explore the meaning and conscious or unconscious intent of the gift with the client (Knox, et. al. 2003)"
Gifts in Psychotherapy and Counseling, by Ofer Zur, Ph.D.

This rings true for me. I have given Dr. T exactly 1 gift in 6 years (and nothing to ex-MC--he had a stated no-gift policy--or ex-T), and we spent time discussing it both in the session I gave it to him and for parts of a couple other sessions, months later. Including where he opted to place the item in his office. It was for a 5-year therapy anniversary and cost under $25 (I figured $5/year wasn't much of anything).

Honestly, in retrospect, I probably should have just gone with the thank-you note that went with it. As he seemed to appreciate that the most. Or just given him chocolate or a cupcake (store-bought, as I have never made candy and can't bake--though I can cook! A risotto seems like an odd gift though).

If you buy into that love languages thing, I'm pretty sure one of mine is giving gifts. Not necessarily receiving gifts, although a thoughtful gift is nice now and again. I've given small gifts over the years: some mandarins at Christmas, a cupcake near his birthday, some origami I made, homemade dog treats for his dog, a pretty rock I found. Hope he doesn't think I'm a weirdo.

That's my one too.

I take mental notes during conversations. Small things that show I was paying attention.

Not always super expensive things, I once filled a small gift box with their favourite chocolate brands.

I do however wish younger me had not been so generous .

If anyone else wants to find out theirs:

The Love Language(R) Quiz

I was watching this today:

I'm sure he doesn't think you're a weirdo for giving him gifts. I think he realizes they have meaning for you and it's a thing you do for people. It sounds nice. And it's nothing extravagant.

You mention the rock--I guess I did add a shell I found a few years ago at the beach to Dr. T's collection (with his permission), but I probably couldn't pick it out of a lineup (it was small and whitish, I know).

I don't tend to give random gifts (in general), but I try to put lots of thought into what I give people for Christmas, birthdays, etc. (I was not particularly I used to be into sending cards and only picking ones where I really felt the sentiment, but have gotten away from that.

Today in sort of weird session moments, I was talking about something with ex-MC and his wife dying. That I was trying to remember when she died, in connection to something else that happened.

Dr. T: "Oh, I went to her funeral, I can look up the date on my phone."

Me: "Uh...OK."

He pulled it up quickly. He also used her first name a couple times in talking about her. He used to work with ex-MC (before I knew either of them), so I'm not at all surprised that he attended the funeral or would refer to her by name. Just wasn't expecting him to search his phone calendar to find the date.

We did have a good discussion about some things related to that. I feel like I'm in a place that's distanced enough time- and emotion-wise where I can process some of what happened in a different way, more productively. Which is part of why I'm talking about it in there now (also due to working on the memoir).

That is odd, LT.

I don't know that I'd put someone's funeral into my phone calendar...although my memory for such things is annoyingly pretty good.
I hope it wasn't too jarring for you.

Hope the writing is going well!

I put funeral/visitation times/place in my calendar which is linked on my phone.

Thankfully he brought up his dog himself. It was a relief because it was going to be the elephant in the room if no one said anything and I was hesitant to bring it up out of fear of upsetting him. Poor guy. I feel so bad for him.

I think the next couch might be named choose cheese.

Cheese as in “cut the cheese”?

Or cheese as in bleu, Limburger, Roquefort, Kraft, Velveeta?

If you choose sheep or goat, you dont have to eff with it so much. Its just natcherly flavorsome. You frenchmen! Ive been binge watching Foyles War on Acorn. Very timely, unfortunately.

I think im the canary in the coal mine on this: i always said that history and geography were my weakest columns on Jeopardy! - the first two. Now they dont even have them anymore, people are too uneducated. Mr moseley was on foyles war as a former schoolteacher and he said because all these schools got turned over to the war effort, we are going to have the worst educated generation after the war. Which is what they are saying now about the pandemic - just let everyone graduate even if they cant read or add. I love mr moseley.

The lockdowns and mask wearing also caused developmental delays in young children. Increased demand for speech therapy. Don't see all of them being supported adequately.

Thousands of Covid generation under-fives excluded from schools in England | Education | The Guardian

Morning couch. Sending hugs/headnods all around as wanted/needed/appropriate.

Yes, i think he was checking his phone calendar. He uses an iPhone and Macbook, and the iCalendar can be linked to both (I also use both). Plus, it's searchable, so I imagine he just typed in "funeral" or her name and it popped up.

Thanks, Lost! I suspect just his regular calendar (like iCalendar, as he uses an iPhone and Macbook). And he does all his session scheduling through his phone calendar, too, so he might just use it for everything.

It was a bit jarring, particularly his use of her name (ex-MC always just said "my wife"), but I'm OK, thanks. And I think it's something I could maybe even use in the writing? Definitely our conversation about ex-MC's wife.

Oddly, Dr. T and I were just discussing cheese yesterday, including Velveeta and bleu.