Couch 246: Choose Change

It's funny I almost always enjoy doing laundry. Especially folding towels, when they're nice and warm from the drier, so it really was an effort on my part to delegate that this morning... I just didn't have time, and needed to practice being assertive. I can't leave a basket of clean towels out anywhere or Miss Penelope will make a 'nest' in it!

On the other hand, I abhor emptying the dishwasher (I don't know why this is) so H does that most of the time, unless he's having one of his spells that is (yeah, I'ma start calling them that) and I load it; I don't mind doing that.

Now if we could just come up with some kind of compromise on cooking...

It's finished! And perfect for my walk this chilly evening. Had to color over my face so I don't have to worry about coming back and deleting pic. Now, on to trying my first virus shawl!

Three days a week for each person + eat out on the 6th day?

If someone cooked for me. I would wash the dishes.

P.s the cardigan looks fab! Well done Art!

I also don't mind doing laundry, though I'm awful at folding anything. I'm not a fan of loading the dishwasher if anything has sat in the sink at all (contamination OCD!), but I'm fine with unloading it. I'm mostly on duty for both lately because H has what may be a hernia (could be inguinal or sports one), so bending over is painful for him.

He's getting evaluated this morning after having a negative CT scan, then insurance denial for an MRI order by primary care doctor, then trouble getting an appointment with someone who's willing to evaluate him for that (including a place that lists itself as a hernia center!) His original appointment was for late November, but there was a last-minute cancellation, so he's there now. Hoping if he needs surgery we could possibly get it before the end of the year--we're at our out-of-pocket max for insurance for the year, so it would be free. Plus he's in pain (this has been an issue for a couple months).

Oh, and in random/amusing T dreams last night: For some reason, Dr. T was dating this girl I was friends with in middle school, though I think she was an adult in the dream. (I haven't talked to her in years, and I'm not Facebook friends with her, so no idea why she was in my head.) We were all in an elevator together, and the girl, Heather, said to Dr. T, "I'm going to want you to shave off your beard." And Dr. T said, "But I've always dreamed of having a beard." I reached out and lightly touched his back, like to show that I understood. I don't recall anything else from the dream.

Not sure what that was about! (He's had a beard since I've known him, incidentally.)

How did you feel about Dr T dating someone approx also your age?

Their dating, but it's YOU physically connecting with him and getting it.

That's a good question! In the dream, I felt like, "I understand you--I'd let you keep the beard!" (Granted, I'm also married to someone with a beard, so clearly I'm OK with them!) So, jealous in a way, wondering why he'd pick her instead of me. He did mention something about his wife in session Monday (not related to his facial hair), so maybe the friend was representing her? Though nothing he said suggested anything negative about her.

I didn't tell him about the dream today. We were talking more about ex-MC and what happened there, and I wasn't sure what purpose sharing the dream would have. Aside from "Ha, that's funny!"

The location of the dream seems relevant. What does a lift (translation: elevator) represent? Going up and down, different floors, enclosed, access, mechanical (steady, una), shared space. A room but not a room, a room which moves.

Gestalt has a way of interpreting dreams (probably other modalities too) which says that you should think of every element of the dream as being a representation of you or parts of you. So, in this dream you would be represented by yourself, Heather, the beard, the lift, even Dr T. And you should imagine yourself as each of these elements and describe yourself. So as Heather, it might be, "I am special and chosen. I represent school/youth". The beard might say, "I am not wanted. Only certain people appreciate me. I am hairy (!) and I am touched". And so on. Each of these things say something about you. It's an interesting exercise I think. And no doubt a load of hokum, but there we are.

L always says when I tell of a dream I've had about her, "Remember, that's not me, it's a part of you" so I started saying "Dream L" instead when telling the dream.

I don't believe that 100% across the board; I mean why can't we dream about other people. It is interesting to work a dream that way, though, even if I don't believe that 100% of the time everyone who appears in a dream represents parts of me.

Maybe the idea is that our psyche and unconscious is exclusively our internal place, unique to us and therefore what exists in it or manifests from it is a reflection of us rather than external people. This would be distinct from relational matters where there are two beings at play.

So I've been talking more with Dr. T about what happened with ex-MC. Monday, he was saying how it seemed ex-MC interjected himself in my relationship with H, such that he became a part of the relationship. Rather than trying to help the marriage from the outside. And then he was sort of stuck in that role. Which I know is probably glaringly obvious to people on here. But it helped to hear Dr. T say that.

Today, we were talking more about what happened after my "I love you so much" email after that concert. Where ex-MC told me that I had to reduce outside contact and put up more boundaries. Dr. T today said that he "kitchen-sinked" me. Where he cut off everything ("the kitchen sink"--American idiom). Rather than focusing with what had just happened, the "I love you." And processing that, then maybe moving on to other things.

It's giving me a different perspective on it. Also that it was a mix of my personality and needs, ex-MC, and H that led to what happened in terms of the marriage counseling. Like maybe it's not one person's fault, but just a mix of everything. Though as I said today, ex-MC, as the trained therapist, was ultimately responsible for boundaries, etc. And he shouldn't have let things get to where they did. I'm pretty sure that Dr. T would not have let that happen, had he been our marriage counselor (in an alternate universe). He wouldn't have allowed me to contact him separately, if nothing else. I even said today that it would have hurt like hell, but ex-MC really should have referred us out, once I told him about the transference. Would have ultimately saved a lot of hurt in the grand scheme of things. And probably helped the marriage, too.

Oh that's very interesting--thanks for sharing (I don't know much about Gestalt therapy). Lol to "I am hairy." (I mean, I do need a haircut!)

I've also read that we should pay attention not so much to the events in dreams, but to the emotions we're feeling.

I can see that in a way--that it's how our brain--particularly our subconscious--sees someone. For me, some people in my dreams act like extremes of their characters--my parents and my aunt who's estranged from my mom, in particular. So that's likely about how I view them. Whereas Dr. T seems to act like or say things that I could imagine he would in real life in particular situations.

(trigger for medical stuff)

my brain does not want to work today. i'm so behind in my work. boo and oh crap breaks over! gotta get back to work.

Today's check-in phone call did not make me feel any better possibly worse. I feel like our connection has almost been completely severed.

I'm sorry, NP. hugs if wanted.

Hugs, Artie. Do you think you're still going to get it? At least the visits are less often than you thought, like you said.

Hugs if wanted, NP. I'm sorry. Is he back next week? I hope you can repair the connection then.

Thanks, LT. I am leaning towards doing it yes and it is scheduled for Dec 5 even though I am not 100% sure yet. I can always cancel if I change my mind. I really don't know why I have such anxiety about this. Maybe because I can't just make the decision and then let it go. I keep thinking about it like a broken record in my head. Or maybe because I still haven't accepted the need for it.

At least it will not cost me anything this year since I've met my max out of pocket....