Couch 246: Choose Change

So I've been talking more with Dr. T about what happened with ex-MC. Monday, he was saying how it seemed ex-MC interjected himself in my relationship with H, such that he became a part of the relationship. Rather than trying to help the marriage from the outside. And then he was sort of stuck in that role. Which I know is probably glaringly obvious to people on here. But it helped to hear Dr. T say that.

Today, we were talking more about what happened after my "I love you so much" email after that concert. Where ex-MC told me that I had to reduce outside contact and put up more boundaries. Dr. T today said that he "kitchen-sinked" me. Where he cut off everything ("the kitchen sink"--American idiom). Rather than focusing with what had just happened, the "I love you." And processing that, then maybe moving on to other things.

It's giving me a different perspective on it. Also that it was a mix of my personality and needs, ex-MC, and H that led to what happened in terms of the marriage counseling. Like maybe it's not one person's fault, but just a mix of everything. Though as I said today, ex-MC, as the trained therapist, was ultimately responsible for boundaries, etc. And he shouldn't have let things get to where they did. I'm pretty sure that Dr. T would not have let that happen, had he been our marriage counselor (in an alternate universe). He wouldn't have allowed me to contact him separately, if nothing else. I even said today that it would have hurt like hell, but ex-MC really should have referred us out, once I told him about the transference. Would have ultimately saved a lot of hurt in the grand scheme of things. And probably helped the marriage, too.

Oh that's very interesting--thanks for sharing (I don't know much about Gestalt therapy). Lol to "I am hairy." (I mean, I do need a haircut!)

I've also read that we should pay attention not so much to the events in dreams, but to the emotions we're feeling.

I can see that in a way--that it's how our brain--particularly our subconscious--sees someone. For me, some people in my dreams act like extremes of their characters--my parents and my aunt who's estranged from my mom, in particular. So that's likely about how I view them. Whereas Dr. T seems to act like or say things that I could imagine he would in real life in particular situations.

(trigger for medical stuff)

my brain does not want to work today. i'm so behind in my work. boo and oh crap breaks over! gotta get back to work.

Today's check-in phone call did not make me feel any better possibly worse. I feel like our connection has almost been completely severed.

I'm sorry, NP. hugs if wanted.

Hugs, Artie. Do you think you're still going to get it? At least the visits are less often than you thought, like you said.

Hugs if wanted, NP. I'm sorry. Is he back next week? I hope you can repair the connection then.

Thanks, LT. I am leaning towards doing it yes and it is scheduled for Dec 5 even though I am not 100% sure yet. I can always cancel if I change my mind. I really don't know why I have such anxiety about this. Maybe because I can't just make the decision and then let it go. I keep thinking about it like a broken record in my head. Or maybe because I still haven't accepted the need for it.

At least it will not cost me anything this year since I've met my max out of pocket....

I am an emotional wreck! I cry at the dumbest things nowadays. Like I saw a plane land on the way home from session yesterday. I cried because I thought how beautiful it is that us humans figured out how to fly...

I had a breakdown today too. Been locked inside my room. I can't do anything! I can't sleep because H is in meetings and talks loud. Have no tv to watch without him (we share many tv shows). So I slammed the door so H would hear and get off the phone. I told him I had to get out of the house. So I'm going to get a hair cut in an hour. A nice soft a line bob. Maybe that will make me feel a little better?

I completely understand the anxiety!


The out-of-pocket thing reminded me that I didn't update. Turns out that H actually has two hernias! (One is really minor a "bellybutton hernia," that she said they may as well fix at the same time.) They're aiming to get him in for surgery on Dec. 15. So it would be fully covered by insurance. If that date doesn't work out, it won't be until January, and then we'd have to pay for the entire thing because we won't have met the deductible. (Plus H will be in pain for longer.) So fingers crossed they can do it in December... Next month could be possible if they have a cancellation, too.

H is just relieved he has an actual diagnosis (and that they aren't just like, "It's nothing, suck it up"--which Dr. T, to his credit, said would be much more likely to happen to a woman than to a white male).

Hugs, Scarlet. I hope the haircut makes you feel better.

My H also talks loudly on meetings, and I can hear even if he has his door closed. I miss his working in an office.

I do feel a little better after the haircut. Makes me feel pretty and lighter. Getting out and pampered a little was worth it. And H didn't make me cook dinner. But I do have to help him with a shower tonight.

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm glad the haircut helped you feel a little better.

Thanks LT. Yes, that's true.

Also I'm glad your h has a diagnosis and hope he's able to get it taken care of in December (or even next month) rather than in January.

I'm really on a crochet kick lately. I worked a little more on my new project, the Virus Shawl, tonight. I'm still getting the hang of the way the rows repeat, so I had to frog and re-do 2 rows a couple of times each but I think I'm on the right track now!

Think the anxiety is also compounded by the fact there may be changes and not being in control of your own body + health.

Crying proves you’re human and it is supposed to
be that way when we are hurt.

I cry more now too , now that I’m not constantly trying to suppress my emotions and not hiding it.

Movies. TV shows books, songs etc.

I cried this morning reading a Instagram post, about how she could no longer carry on posting with an aching heart and try to to promote her business (she’s a photographer) when mothers and children were being - - - - right in front of her eyes. I didn’t include the word, don't want to trigger anyone.

I copied and saved these to notes from the YouTube channel I always post. ( Alecia the artist)

“My tears matter . I want to be a safe space for myself to mourn and to weep".

"I have to weep because my life depends on it because it does. I have to feel. Or else I’m not going to live. “

Your tears are not something to be ashamed of Scarlet.

Today's virtual session was riddled with technical difficulties on my end.
R could see me, but I could not see her.

We ended up using two different types of meeting software, and neither worked properly for me.

Nonetheless, it was an important conversation about my emotional side - how I feel about it, and how we can work towards me coming to accept that part.

Artie from a distance i thought you were making me some panties! Stopdog is right about me, i am definitely a perb!

Thanks (again) for making me laugh when I needed it! My anxiety is so high today and I can't turn it off. I just signed off for lunch, so I'm going for a walk to see if that helps.

It's okay to be full of anxiety right now. I think as someone said, this is about something so important as your health and its something that you cannot completely control. The anxiety makes sense.

Thanks Scarlet. While I was out walking just now I had the thought that maybe I should just embrace the anxiety for what it is, call in sick for the rest of the day, and go to bed and read or watch netflix instead of constantly fighting it and trying to function at work... today IS my friday, after all...

My medical stuff:

I'm also dealing with really bad insomnia. I can only sleep 2-3 hours at a time a night. I don't know why. If it's due to pain, nightmares, breathing, meds??? Idk!