Couch 246: Choose Change

ScarletPimpernel · Oct 25, 2023 at 05:17 PM

I am an emotional wreck! I cry at the dumbest things nowadays. Like I saw a plane land on the way home from session yesterday. I cried because I thought how beautiful it is that us humans figured out how to fly...

I had a breakdown today too. Been locked inside my room. I can't do anything! I can't sleep because H is in meetings and talks loud. Have no tv to watch without him (we share many tv shows). So I slammed the door so H would hear and get off the phone. I told him I had to get out of the house. So I'm going to get a hair cut in an hour. A nice soft a line bob. Maybe that will make me feel a little better?

LonesomeTonight · Oct 25, 2023 at 07:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieTheSequal

Thanks, LT. I am leaning towards doing it yes and it is scheduled for Dec 5 even though I am not 100% sure yet. I can always cancel if I change my mind. I really don't know why I have such anxiety about this. Maybe because I can't just make the decision and then let it go. I keep thinking about it like a broken record in my head. Or maybe because I still haven't accepted the need for it.

At least it will not cost me anything this year since I've met my max out of pocket....

I completely understand the anxiety!

Possible trigger:

I was offered an IUD at one point when I had the bleeding issue a couple years ago and was uncomfortable with the idea--I ended up going with oral progesterone. I assume if you have some sort of negative physical reaction to the IUD, you could have it removed pretty quickly?

The out-of-pocket thing reminded me that I didn't update. Turns out that H actually has two hernias! (One is really minor a "bellybutton hernia," that she said they may as well fix at the same time.) They're aiming to get him in for surgery on Dec. 15. So it would be fully covered by insurance. If that date doesn't work out, it won't be until January, and then we'd have to pay for the entire thing because we won't have met the deductible. (Plus H will be in pain for longer.) So fingers crossed they can do it in December... Next month could be possible if they have a cancellation, too.

H is just relieved he has an actual diagnosis (and that they aren't just like, "It's nothing, suck it up"--which Dr. T, to his credit, said would be much more likely to happen to a woman than to a white male).

LonesomeTonight · Oct 25, 2023 at 07:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I am an emotional wreck! I cry at the dumbest things nowadays. Like I saw a plane land on the way home from session yesterday. I cried because I thought how beautiful it is that us humans figured out how to fly...

I had a breakdown today too. Been locked inside my room. I can't do anything! I can't sleep because H is in meetings and talks loud. Have no tv to watch without him (we share many tv shows). So I slammed the door so H would hear and get off the phone. I told him I had to get out of the house. So I'm going to get a hair cut in an hour. A nice soft a line bob. Maybe that will make me feel a little better?

Hugs, Scarlet. I hope the haircut makes you feel better.

My H also talks loudly on meetings, and I can hear even if he has his door closed. I miss his working in an office.

ScarletPimpernel · Oct 25, 2023 at 08:22 PM

I do feel a little better after the haircut. Makes me feel pretty and lighter. Getting out and pampered a little was worth it. And H didn't make me cook dinner. But I do have to help him with a shower tonight.

ArtieTheSequal · Oct 25, 2023 at 09:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I do feel a little better after the haircut. Makes me feel pretty and lighter. Getting out and pampered a little was worth it. And H didn't make me cook dinner. But I do have to help him with a shower tonight.

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm glad the haircut helped you feel a little better.

ArtieTheSequal · Oct 25, 2023 at 10:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I completely understand the anxiety!

Possible trigger:

I was offered an IUD at one point when I had the bleeding issue a couple years ago and was uncomfortable with the idea--I ended up going with oral progesterone. I assume if you have some sort of negative physical reaction to the IUD, you could have it removed pretty quickly?

The out-of-pocket thing reminded me that I didn't update. Turns out that H actually has two hernias! (One is really minor a "bellybutton hernia," that she said they may as well fix at the same time.) They're aiming to get him in for surgery on Dec. 15. So it would be fully covered by insurance. If that date doesn't work out, it won't be until January, and then we'd have to pay for the entire thing because we won't have met the deductible. (Plus H will be in pain for longer.) So fingers crossed they can do it in December... Next month could be possible if they have a cancellation, too.

H is just relieved he has an actual diagnosis (and that they aren't just like, "It's nothing, suck it up"--which Dr. T, to his credit, said would be much more likely to happen to a woman than to a white male).

Thanks LT. Yes, that's true.

Also I'm glad your h has a diagnosis and hope he's able to get it taken care of in December (or even next month) rather than in January.

ArtieTheSequal · Oct 25, 2023 at 10:11 PM

I'm really on a crochet kick lately. I worked a little more on my new project, the Virus Shawl, tonight. I'm still getting the hang of the way the rows repeat, so I had to frog and re-do 2 rows a couple of times each

but I think I'm on the right track now!

Lemoncake · Oct 26, 2023 at 03:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieTheSequal

Thanks, LT. I am leaning towards doing it yes and it is scheduled for Dec 5 even though I am not 100% sure yet. I can always cancel if I change my mind. I really don't know why I have such anxiety about this. Maybe because I can't just make the decision and then let it go. I keep thinking about it like a broken record in my head. Or maybe because I still haven't accepted the need for it.

At least it will not cost me anything this year since I've met my max out of pocket....

Think the anxiety is also compounded by the fact there may be changes and not being in control of your own body + health.

Lemoncake · 06:20 AM

Crying proves you’re human and it is supposed to
be that way when we are hurt.

I cry more now too , now that I’m not constantly trying to suppress my emotions and not hiding it.

Movies. TV shows books, songs etc.

I cried this morning reading a Instagram post, about how she could no longer carry on posting with an aching heart and try to to promote her business (she’s a photographer) when mothers and children were being - - - - right in front of her eyes. I didn’t include the word, don't want to trigger anyone.

I copied and saved these to notes from the YouTube channel I always post. ( Alecia the artist)

“My tears matter . I want to be a safe space for myself to mourn and to weep".

"I have to weep because my life depends on it because it does. I have to feel. Or else I’m not going to live. “

Your tears are not something to be ashamed of Scarlet.

LostOnTheTrail · Oct 26, 2023 at 12:23 PM

Today's virtual session was riddled with technical difficulties on my end.
R could see me, but I could not see her.

We ended up using two different types of meeting software, and neither worked properly for me.

Nonetheless, it was an important conversation about my emotional side - how I feel about it, and how we can work towards me coming to accept that part.

unaluna · Oct 26, 2023 at 12:32 PM

Artie from a distance i thought you were making me some panties! Stopdog is right about me, i am definitely a perb!

ArtieTheSequal · Oct 26, 2023 at 12:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

Artie from a distance i thought you were making me some panties! Stopdog is right about me, i am definitely a perb!

Thanks (again) for making me laugh when I needed it! My anxiety is so high today and I can't turn it off. I just signed off for lunch, so I'm going for a walk to see if that helps.

ScarletPimpernel · Oct 26, 2023 at 12:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieTheSequal

(trigger for medical stuff)

Possible trigger:

i heard back from the gyno today, she said that after i get the dreaded iud, i'd have to have endometrial biopsies every 3-6 months for a year to monitor my condition. So, if the 3-month one shows progress, I'd be able to wait for 6 months. If it doesn't, then I'd have another one in 3 months. She said she'll prescribe me a diazepam before each of them like she did for when i get the iud. i still don't like this one bit but at least the biopsies are not 4 times a year for 5 years or however long it's in and it's preferable to getting cancer.

Possible trigger:

Artie, while the insertion of the IUD was extremely painful, and it was traumatic for me to have the device in me, I would have left it there except for the fact it slipped down. My need for the IUD was different than yours, too. I was doing it to prevent pregnancy, not to treat a health condition. I think you should trust your wise-mind about all your options and which one you choose. And just remember, you can have it taken out whenever.

It's okay to be full of anxiety right now. I think as someone said, this is about something so important as your health and its something that you cannot completely control. The anxiety makes sense.

ArtieTheSequal · Oct 26, 2023 at 01:01 PM

Thanks Scarlet. While I was out walking just now I had the thought that maybe I should just embrace the anxiety for what it is, call in sick for the rest of the day, and go to bed and read or watch netflix instead of constantly fighting it and trying to function at work... today IS my friday, after all...

ScarletPimpernel · Oct 26, 2023 at 01:03 PM

My medical stuff:

Possible trigger:

So earlier this year I had a fibroscan of my liver. The results came back that I had stage 4 cirrhosis of the liver and it was enlarged. I went to see a new doctor, and last time I saw him, I asked him directly if I do have cirrhosis. He didn't answer except to tell me about dieting and exercise. About a month ago, I went to the hospital for something else, and they did a CT scan which happened to show the liver. My liver is normal size... So I saw an NP gastro on Monday and she doesn't believe in the validity of fibroscans. She's ordering me a CT scan of my liver with and without contrast. She thinks I just have a fatty liver because my enzymes have also been normal and I have no symptoms of jaundice or liver failure. I'm nervous and hopeful for the CT scan. I kind of need to know what's going on with my liver.

I'm also dealing with really bad insomnia. I can only sleep 2-3 hours at a time a night. I don't know why. If it's due to pain, nightmares, breathing, meds??? Idk!

ArtieTheSequal · Oct 26, 2023 at 01:09 PM

Hugs, Scarlet.

Possible trigger:

I tend to agree with the non-validity of fibroscans. H had one done at his recent medication study for liver disease appointment and they had nothing but trouble with the machine, they said they needed to contact the manufacturer of the equipment because it was giving them wildly different readings.

Lemoncake · Oct 26, 2023 at 01:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

My medical stuff:

Possible trigger:

So earlier this year I had a fibroscan of my liver. The results came back that I had stage 4 cirrhosis of the liver and it was enlarged. I went to see a new doctor, and last time I saw him, I asked him directly if I do have cirrhosis. He didn't answer except to tell me about dieting and exercise. About a month ago, I went to the hospital for something else, and they did a CT scan which happened to show the liver. My liver is normal size... So I saw an NP gastro on Monday and she doesn't believe in the validity of fibroscans. She's ordering me a CT scan of my liver with and without contrast. She thinks I just have a fatty liver because my enzymes have also been normal and I have no symptoms of jaundice or liver failure. I'm nervous and hopeful for the CT scan. I kind of need to know what's going on with my liver.

I'm also dealing with really bad insomnia. I can only sleep 2-3 hours at a time a night. I don't know why. If it's due to pain, nightmares, breathing, meds??? Idk!

Possible trigger:

That's quite a jump in the space of two appointments. A Liver biopsy will tell you for certain .They can also look at your liver enzymes. If you had stage 4, the Jaundice alone would make it very obvious and your liver is failing.

Don't think I've ever seen a fibro scan done personally.

You have recently been very stressed out about G + L and your father on top.

Do you drink milk? Have a wind down routine?

You Americans and all your fancy tech.

ScarletPimpernel · Oct 26, 2023 at 01:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

Possible trigger:

That's quite a jump in the space of two appointments. A Liver biopsy will tell you for certain .They can also look at your liver enzymes. If you had stage 4, the Jaundice alone would make it very obvious and your liver is failing.

Don't think I've ever seen a fibro scan done personally.

You have recently been very stressed out about G + L and your father on top.

Do you drink milk? Have a wind down routine?

You Americans and all your fancy tech.

Fibroscans are similar to ultrasounds. But they do this like punch sort of thing when they scan. It doesn't hurt, but it does feel like a punch.

Yes, I have a good nightly routine. Well, I'm having to adjust the timing a little bit due to a new med. The routine is 7:30pm feed dogs and take my meds. Clean dog pads. Then take showers or relax. 8:30pm take my new med with milk, then go to bed. I do take Doxepin for sleep. It gets me to sleep, but doesn't keep me asleep.

I have tried so much over the years for good sleep. I think you're definitely right that it's at least partially due to L, G, and dad. I actually think my sleep has worsened since L told me she's pregnant.

ArtieTheSequal · Oct 26, 2023 at 03:25 PM

so I have an appointment a week from tomorrow to talk about getting on some kind of meds for anxiety or whatever even if its just short term until the early december procedure is over. i don't want to go back on meds i didn't like how they dulled me out but maybe there's something newer that won't do it as much. it's been a long time since i was on anything. i just know i have to do something. i can't stand how i feel rn.

ScarletPimpernel · Oct 26, 2023 at 03:39 PM

My experience with anxiety meds was that they either knocked me out or, same as you, dulled me out. But now I'm on Buspirone, and it just mellows out the anxiety for the most part, not me. If that make sense.

Even if it does dull you out, you don't have to be on it constantly forever. Just before the procedures if you want.

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Couch 246: Choose Change

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ScarletPimpernel Wise Elder Member Since Nov 2013 Location: US Posts: 8,428 (SuperPoster!) 10 6,453 hugs given	Oct 25, 2023 at 08:22 PM #64 I do feel a little better after the haircut. Makes me feel pretty and lighter. Getting out and pampered a little was worth it. And H didn't make me cook dinner. But I do have to help him with a shower tonight. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica

unaluna Elder Harridan x-hankster Member Since Jun 2011 Location: Milan/Michigan Posts: 40,081 (SuperPoster!) 12 66.8k hugs given	Oct 26, 2023 at 12:32 PM #71 Artie from a distance i thought you were making me some panties! Stopdog is right about me, i am definitely a perb!

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,329 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,814 hugs given	Oct 26, 2023 at 01:01 PM #74 Thanks Scarlet. While I was out walking just now I had the thought that maybe I should just embrace the anxiety for what it is, call in sick for the rest of the day, and go to bed and read or watch netflix instead of constantly fighting it and trying to function at work... today IS my friday, after all...

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,329 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,814 hugs given	Oct 26, 2023 at 01:09 PM #76 Hugs, Scarlet. Possible trigger: I tend to agree with the non-validity of fibroscans. H had one done at his recent medication study for liver disease appointment and they had nothing but trouble with the machine, they said they needed to contact the manufacturer of the equipment because it was giving them wildly different readings.