Couch 246: Choose Change

Hugs, Scarlet.

You Americans and all your fancy tech.

Fibroscans are similar to ultrasounds. But they do this like punch sort of thing when they scan. It doesn't hurt, but it does feel like a punch.

Yes, I have a good nightly routine. Well, I'm having to adjust the timing a little bit due to a new med. The routine is 7:30pm feed dogs and take my meds. Clean dog pads. Then take showers or relax. 8:30pm take my new med with milk, then go to bed. I do take Doxepin for sleep. It gets me to sleep, but doesn't keep me asleep.

I have tried so much over the years for good sleep. I think you're definitely right that it's at least partially due to L, G, and dad. I actually think my sleep has worsened since L told me she's pregnant.

so I have an appointment a week from tomorrow to talk about getting on some kind of meds for anxiety or whatever even if its just short term until the early december procedure is over. i don't want to go back on meds i didn't like how they dulled me out but maybe there's something newer that won't do it as much. it's been a long time since i was on anything. i just know i have to do something. i can't stand how i feel rn.

My experience with anxiety meds was that they either knocked me out or, same as you, dulled me out. But now I'm on Buspirone, and it just mellows out the anxiety for the most part, not me. If that make sense.

Even if it does dull you out, you don't have to be on it constantly forever. Just before the procedures if you want.

H left on his 2nd long distance job today earlier... so I decided to take myself out for an early dinner at my favorite mexican place just up the road. It was deeee-licious and I brought home a to go order for tomorrow as well, since h is planning on spending the night up yonder. I figured why not, I'm getting a bonus on tomorrow's paycheck.

It is now time to begin my evening of crochet - I plan to work on my virus shawl until I fall asleep. I'm finding that crocheting is one of the best things I can do for my anxiety, it really helps me to not think about it. That and walking. I made it through the workday without calling out sick, by thinking about how because it's my Friday, I can crochet until midnight if I wanna. I do have a dentist appt at 8am tomorrow but it's just a cleaning so I'm not stressing about it and it's really close to my house, so I can sleep in until 7:30 if I want and still have time for a quick shower before I go.

Hugs and headnods all around as wanted/needed/appropriate.

I "ripped another bandaid off". I sent L and G an email documenting why I have a fear of men and why I'm scared that G will not be enough support. I gave specific examples of some of the abuse I've endured throughout my life. Both L and G were delayed in answering which really triggered some fear and anxiety. But they both finally responded and it was good! I even kind of feel that G and I were able to connect on something. This was really difficult and vulnerable for me to do. But it felt like I needed to put it all out there so both of them could understand my fears better. I'm glad I did it.

A perturbing perb.

Had an MRI on my ears today. The clunking sounds were not loud at all thanks to said ears.

Here's tonight's progress on my shawl (I definitely see more of these in my future):

The other day, i came across a fat influencer on youtube who recommended wearing your bikini bottom back to front. I invented that twenty years ago.

I think I am actually in love with you, una.

I logged onto my assertiveness course to start reading the current chapter before I head to the dentist, and this one is really hitting me where I live - it's about how we lose our power verbally by using tag questions and qualifiers in our speech. Holy cow I do both constantly!! I'm looking forward to delving more deeply into this once I get back home with sparkling clean teeth.

Hugs and headnods all around as wanted/needed/appropriate.

Can I ask what a "tag question" is? Pretty sure I know about qualifiers and that I use them, too. I probably also do the tag question, just unsure what it is.

Hope the course continues being helpful!

Thanks LT!

I can't recall ever hearing that phrase before, either. A tag question is when you say something like "That was a good movie, don't you think?" or "I should stop using tag questions, shouldn't I?" She says they undermine the strength of the statements of a non-assertive person.

Next up: Disclaimers, Fillers, and Verbal Put-Downs.

Oh and I'm back from the dentist, and I am very happy to report that I had no new cavities or other issues.

Well done !

Congrats artie bean!

That's great that you did that, Scarlet, and they responded well.

I may have just opened up the chocolate we bought for halloween and eaten a little.

Oops.

I taped the box closed again

What kind were they?

I bought new chocolate too today- tried hazelnut pralines. They had them in boxes and you are supposed to choose how much you wanted. I went with 6 only and thank goodness as I got the pricing wrong. Price per 100g not 1kg as my brain had assumed.

I got my senior flu shot and my RSV shot. I scheduled my covid shot for two weeks from now, day before my mammogram. Got all my (nightly) drugs refilled except one, so at most of them will be on the same schedule now.

Boy im bushed. I had grapenuts for dinner. Havent had those in a dog's age. I had canned salmon and rice for breakfast. I must be part cat. Or bear.

I'm becoming teary about G's recent email to me! I wrote him an "Are you there" email. It's a simple email that's seeking withness and understanding. G just responded so sweetly. He said he is there, and he was so understanding with his mirroring and confidently reassured me that we could keep me safe. He signed "with you".

Lemon, you're right that I shouldn't be ashamed of my tears. L says it's part of my beautiful multitudes. AND this is so not like me.

I don't think this sensitivity is depression or due to my med changes. I think it's my body and mind's protection wearing down from months of "anticipatory grief", as L called it. I don't like being so sensitive. And I don't like feeling any connection to G especially right now. And yet, his email was just so reassuring. Ugh!

Thanks, Artie! Yeah, I do that at times, too. Though less than I used to. Hm... now I want to ask H and Dr. T how much I do this...

That does sound like a very caring response. It's OK to feel connected to him. Are you afraid if you feel connected to him that it will take away from your connection to L, like betray her in some way? Or is it because the relationship will only be temporary? Or maybe because he's male? Just guessing here.


In terms of your grief, maybe it would help to just tell yourself it's OK to be sensitive right now, that you're dealing with a big change coming up, with L being out. Also to remind yourself that the change is temporary.