Couch 246: Choose Change

Couch mini-poll. Which phrase do you like better:

“Kindly copy me on the email.”

“Please copy me on the email.”

I prefer the second, the first sounds like an order.

Context: non-native English speaker colleague who prefers “kindly” to “please.”

Kindly sounds like they are trying to effect an attitude adjustment on the way to copying the email. Kindly do not address me in that tone of voice. It's more authoritative. Please is just a place holder, almost. Kindly puts too much thought and emphasis on it. Please implies doing it as a matter of course. Kindly silently adds "you ingrate!" to the end of the sentence.

Eta - i love these kindsa discussions! My recent facebook treatise on "your an idiot" was remarkably well-received.

I would say "please...."
but I don't read offense into "Kindly..." - even without knowing it was from a non-native english speaker - I would first consider it to be a regional thing. Knowing it was from a non-native english speaker would really cause me to not think twice about it.
If it is a situation where you are trying to explain to the colleague a difference in how the two could be received -the explanation of order v request might put it into an understandable context for them.

In conclusion - I don't have strong feelings about it either way. For me, it is a tie.

2 sounds better.

I would prefer please.
I agree with the attitude adjustment comment.

I prefer "please."


I have noticed non-native English speakers seem more likely to use "kindly." So I just chalk it up to that (if I receive that in an email). I also think "kindly" seems more formal.

Definitely, LT.

I think there's a prevailing idea about politeness which seems to have permeated a lot with people who speak English as a second language.

I'm not sure whether that's a British thing, or if it's also in the US.

I don't read the "kindly" as the speaker's demand/request for the reader to "be kind", but rather that the speaker is saying "I ask this kindly". As in, I'm trying to be kind. Not- you should be kind.

Just when you thought the couch couldn't get any more intellectual, we go full Derrida.

In other philosophical enquiry, did you all know that if you click on the number of replies for a thread, it shows you the number of posts per contributor? I am thinking we should have some sort of prize giving ceremony for the leader board. We could donate prizes: an Artie afghan, jar of stopdog's dehydrated fruit (not a euphemism), una's ... well, I am not sure we want to pry into what una would donate. This could really have legs.

The problem is she is junior faculty, I am her assigned mentor, and the students and her senior colleagues HATE kindly. So I am tasked with explaining this to her and suggesting she swap out kindly for please.

Generally she comes across as autocratic and kindly is not helping her.

Oh moo, thats why i love you. "Not a euphemism" has to be one of the funniest lines in the english language.

The leaders are often the same, why not switch it up?

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And una would obviously donate an apostrophe from her hidden store.

I've worked with a lot of people from India and "kindly do the needful" seems to be a common phrase there. Seems weirdly passive aggressive, but I don't think it's meant that way.

This reddit post made me think of the LT stone saga. Thought you might be amused at another therapist who doesn't understand transitional objects.

Blocked

I would totally donate afghans!

Holy carp. What a carp of a t. My t told me he still has his first teddy bear.

Thanks for sharing! I'm concerned for that client, though as a few comments said, how does a psychodynamic T not know what a transitional object is? They mention fearing being thought of as a "weirdo" and it made me think of my telling Dr. T that I got comfort from holding the stone and making the error of adding, "I hope that's not weird." Which, as those who have been here a long time know, got the response of "Only about 10% weird." Which next session became "10% creepy."

He does seem to get it now, at least...Hope this person's T will rise to the occasion! Instead of acting like they're strange.

Oh, and something Dr. T said the other day made me realize he tends to think about things in percentages. I don't think I shared this part here. I know I mentioned about wanting to be able to update him on H's surgery (I'm over that conflict now, and things seem fine--I really think that was stress over the surgery bubbling over into other stuff).

But it led to a discussion on what reasonable expectations are from people based on relationships. And he was giving an example with my backup T, R, who rents space from him (but they're each solo practitioners). He said, "I mostly think of her as a colleague. She's maybe a 5-10% friend." I looked at him a bit puzzled, but didn't ask what exactly that meant.

He was giving an example of if she asked him to watch her kids for a few hours, he'd think that was a bit odd, but wouldn't tell her that and would be willing to do it. I asked if it would be less weird if it was a neighbor, where he saw the kids regularly. He said yes, that was a good example. That he thought of one particular neighbor, how if she asked him to watch her kids because she had to take her husband to the hospital, he'd say "Of course." But then he said that if she asked him to do that again a month later, he'd think, "What exactly does she think our relationship is?"

He's also referenced before (in relation to my texts a couple years ago confirming in-person) how it's OK if a neighbor asks to borrow sugar once, even two times, but a third time, it becomes an issue. (He mentioned it again the other day.) It feels like he has all these guidelines in his head as to what is acceptable vs. not (in his outside life, too) and just assumes everyone else will know what they are, that they have the same guidelines. You know who that reminds me of? My mom.

Atat, can't you use something like "Could you copy me on the email?". It omits both of the wordings you have given, so nobody gets annoyed.