Morbid topic, but I'm curious

LonesomeTonight · Nov 10, 2023 at 12:42 PM

This is something that has come up with my therapist recently, for assorted reasons. I'm curious as to how others feel about it. Going to put the whole thing under a trigger warning, to be safe:

Possible trigger:

First: If your therapist were to pass away, while you're still seeing them, would you want to attend their funeral? And do you think you'd actually attend? Assuming you knew about it in time, obviously.

My T has said that part of his informing clients of his passing would be info on his funeral and letting clients know they're welcome to attend. This surprised me a bit--that he'd include that info.

I do feel I'd want to and would attend. Though I'd stay in the back and not go through like the receiving line (or whatever it's called at a funeral). If someone there asked how I knew him, I'd probably give some sort of vague "professionally" answer (and they could draw their own conclusions).

I think it would help me process the loss. Note that I've now been seeing my T for 6 years. If it was someone I'd been seeing under a year, or at least under 6 months, I don't think I'd attend.

In the other direction: If you passed away (while still seeing your therapist, or not long after terminating), would you want your T to be informed about and attend your funeral?

I feel I'd want this. My T today said he has attended client funerals before (though some he's learned about too late). And that he'd go to mine if I wanted him, too. He seemed to think I seemed ambivalent about it. But I explained that it was more that I felt sort of awkward saying I wanted that, like hoping he'd care enough about me to spend a couple hours of his day honoring my life. He seemed to understand.

Of course, I hope neither of these scenarios will be an issue in the foreseeable future (I'm in my mid-40s, and he's in his early 50s). But I do think it's good, in a way, that we discussed it.

So, just curious as to others' thoughts. And whether you've had similar discussions, in one or both directions, with your T.

ChickenNoodleSoup · Nov 10, 2023 at 12:55 PM

I would not want to attend myself. Not because I don't want to grieve, but here funerals are closed casket almost always anyways. So, I'd not "see" him again. Not that I would want to, I have seen what death does to people and even if they went in a nice way, they still don't look normal. I also don't feel it's necessary for me to process the loss, it for example did nothing for me with my grandpa. But also, all the other people would throw me off. Like there's his children, his wife, his friends, and while I know about them to some extend, I would not like the experience of meeting/seeing them in person at all.

As for my funeral, I'd want my T to know when and where it's taking place, and I'd be happy if he attended, but I understand that he has his limitations and maybe could not.

LonesomeTonight · Nov 10, 2023 at 01:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChickenNoodleSoup

I would not want to attend myself. Not because I don't want to grieve, but here funerals are closed casket almost always anyways. So, I'd not "see" him again. Not that I would want to, I have seen what death does to people and even if they went in a nice way, they still don't look normal. I also don't feel it's necessary for me to process the loss, it for example did nothing for me with my grandpa. But also, all the other people would throw me off. Like there's his children, his wife, his friends, and while I know about them to some extend, I would not like the experience of meeting/seeing them in person at all.

As for my funeral, I'd want my T to know when and where it's taking place, and I'd be happy if he attended, but I understand that he has his limitations and maybe could not.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I'd actually *prefer* a closed casket. The handful of funerals or viewings that I attended that had an open casket, I did everything I could to avoid being near it because it creeped me out. I'm sure I'd have a similar reaction to seeing my T like that. I'd rather just hold my own memories of someone.

And I completely understand about yours. I think just knowing that mine would consider going is enough. (Now, if he had a blanket policy that he didn't attend client funerals, for example, that would be completely understandable, too.)

stopdog · 05:04 PM

No - I would not. I would not consider it my place to go. I think funerals are for friends and family and those who support them - not people who hired the dead person for some nebulous service like therapy. It would seem intrusive to me. I would feel the same about a therapist coming to my funeral - not their place to do so. It would have nothing to do with death or caskets or anything about death in general. I am not saying it is universally wrong - just I would not for that reason

LonesomeTonight · Nov 10, 2023 at 04:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

No - I would not. I would not consider it my place to go. I think funerals are for friends and family- not people who hired them. It would seem intrusive to me. I would feel the same about a therapist coming to my funeral - not their place to do so. It would have nothing to do with death or caskets or anything about death in general. I am not saying it is universally wrong - just I would not for that reason

I get that. I think if Dr. T hadn't specifically said it would be OK to attend his (not just me, but for any of his clients), then I might have wondered whether it would have been appropriate.

For him attending mine, that's also why I wanted to clarify with him that I'd want him there (if he'd want to attend, of course). I could certainly see other clients not wanting that (or just not caring one way or the other).

stopdog · Nov 10, 2023 at 04:58 PM

I don't think funerals are for the dead people - I think they are for the family and friends and those supporting them - it is their private grief I think a client or therapist would be intruding on - not the dead person. I am an atheist so I think once you are gone - you are gone. The funeral has nothing to do with the feelings of the dead person. In my view, at that point the dead person has none left- so the potential dead person's ok would not be the thing that would sway me. On this, it has nothing to do with the profession of therapist particularly- I would feel that way about anyone I didn't know and didn't know the family/friends of. I was always interested to see how much people tried to control from the grave in their wills and funeral requests.

LonesomeTonight · Nov 10, 2023 at 05:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't think funerals are for the dead people - I think they are for the family and friends and those supporting them - it is their private grief I think a client or therapist would be intruding on - not the dead person. I am an atheist so I think once you are gone - you are gone. The funeral has nothing to do with the feelings of the dead person. In my view, at that point the dead person has none left- so the potential dead person's ok would not be the thing that would sway me. On this, it has nothing to do with the profession of therapist particularly- I would feel that way about anyone I didn't know and didn't know the family/friends of. I was always interested to see how much people tried to control from the grave in their wills and funeral requests.

I'm not sure what I feel happens after you die. I guess maybe I think of my grandfather's funeral, where hardly anyone was there. Which made me feel sad (he'd kind of become a recluse after my grandmother passed, then he spent a few years in a nursing home after a stroke). I could see where it might feel nice to the surviving family/loved ones if lots of people came.

At the same time, I could see it being weird for the family if there were some seemingly random people there. Which is why I'd just sort of hang back. I wouldn't be, say, going up to his wife or son (who I've never met) and saying how sorry I was for their losses. That would feel intrusive. I even felt a bit awkward expressing my condolences to H's close friend's parents at the friend's funeral. I think I'd met his mother once, but not the father. They knew H though.

Elio · Nov 10, 2023 at 06:09 PM

I actually asked to be notified and if I would be allowed to attend should something happen to Dr. S. She said yes. And I put it in my documents to notify her should I become late stage ill/injured and request her to visit if I am unable to ask myself and the incident occur within a year of our interruption. (or died)

I don't know if I would attend as time goes on. I'm not sure how much time will need to pass before I no longer feel the desire to be notified.

stopdog · Nov 10, 2023 at 06:33 PM

I don't think there are usually gatekeepers at funerals unless it is a small closed funeral with only specific invitees or just family - in which case around here that is mentioned in the notice/obit. I have never gone to a funeral where anyone was checking. I have been to some rather small ones where a stranger would be noticed but I never saw anyone try to throw them out or anything --more like musing "I wonder who that is and why are they here" sort of thing.

Having had some whacko client families which included therapist offspring/siblings - I would caution someone to ask themselves how are they going to feel if the family dynamic is not what one expects. I have had several client (my client would be a sibling or parent) families who hated their therapist sibling/offspring and vice versa. I always found it fascinating but I wasn't emotionally invested in any of it. I admit to getting a kick out of how dysfunctional the therapists often were.

atisketatasket · Nov 10, 2023 at 10:45 PM

Most funerals are advertised in some way, through a newspaper notice or the funeral home website.

I wouldn’t go. I go to the funerals of people with whom I had an entirely personal relationship, and to me none of my therapists qualify.

Therapy reviewed · Nov 11, 2023 at 02:56 AM

My old T had a trusted T friend that would notify her clients if she passed away.
No I wouldn't want to attend her funeral and no I wouldn't want T to attend mine. She could if she wanted but it's not a need I ever had.

ArtieTheSequal · Nov 11, 2023 at 10:10 AM

I think I would want to go, but that if I did, I would be as non-obtrusive as possible, standing at the back, etc. Would just want that "last goodbye" I guess. But sd makes a good point about the possibility of finding out something about them you didn't want to know, if the family dynamic isn't what you expected; so that would give me pause about actually showing up. Perhaps instead, at the time of the funeral, I would just privately light a candle and say some words in her honor or something. It is a little morbid to think about I suppose but at the same time, she's getting up there in age, so it isn't entirely a bad idea to think about what I would do. We had a similar conversation years ago about how would I find out if she died, and she said she didn't have anything set up for that because she doesn't like thinking about her own death, so I asked her to make a plan so that I would be notified of her passing and she did (or said she did anyway) so... I really hope I never have to find out. I mean seriously the way my body keeps trying to do me in medically speaking, she'll likely outlive me even though she's 12 years older.

As far as her attending mine... I would much prefer that she attend if she wanted to, rather than want to and not let herself because of some idea of protecting a relationship that no longer would exist. She wouldn't have to tell anyone how she'd known me, anyway; not that it would matter at that point.

InkyBooky · Nov 11, 2023 at 10:23 AM

Interesting hypothetical topic to consider (in terms of funeral services I mean- not in the sense that death is a hypothetical). Anyway, I think I would probably attend my T's funeral. It would be very easy to fade into the background as he is also a tenured professor at a large university. Therefore, I imagine there would be a large number of non-family attendees. On the other hand, I probably wouldn't attend if I expected it to be a smaller ceremony with mostly family and close friends. That would feel intrusive on my part.

As far as my own funeral goes....don't really care who does or doesn't attend. I'll be dead so it won't impact me at all.

nottrustin · Nov 11, 2023 at 04:26 PM

As many know I faced this issue when my therapiat had a tragic accident in her home.. Her partner reached out to me because he found my email address. Her records where very vague but he figured out i was a client. He reached out to tell me initally that she was in a bad accident and would be out for a while. He and I communicated for a few days. Then be told me she passed. By this point he realized who I was. We had met a few times but she introduced me as a friend. He knew that she and I had a special relationship. I asked about a funeral. They were having a celebration of life at a restaurant and her clients were welcome to attend. Ts clients were very important to her and she would want us to be able to attend the gather as part of the grief process. My husband and I attended. Her family was amazing...She Had talked about her son over the years we worked together so I felt like I knew him.

At one point people got up to talk about here..I refrained from doing so because I was a mess. Another client did get up and spoke about her work with T and how amazing T was.

I am thankful to have been able to attend.

LonesomeTonight · Nov 11, 2023 at 09:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nottrustin

As many know I faced this issue when my therapiat had a tragic accident in her home.. Her partner reached out to me because he found my email address. Her records where very vague but he figured out i was a client. He reached out to tell me initally that she was in a bad accident and would be out for a while. He and I communicated for a few days. Then be told me she passed. By this point he realized who I was. We had met a few times but she introduced me as a friend. He knew that she and I had a special relationship. I asked about a funeral. They were having a celebration of life at a restaurant and her clients were welcome to attend. Ts clients were very important to her and she would want us to be able to attend the gather as part of the grief process. My husband and I attended. Her family was amazing...She Had talked about her son over the years we worked together so I felt like I knew him.

At one point people got up to talk about here..I refrained from doing so because I was a mess. Another client did get up and spoke about her work with T and how amazing T was.

I am thankful to have been able to attend.

I did think of you when I made this post and wondered whether you had gone to any sort of service (I couldn't recall whether you'd mentioned it at the time). I'm glad you were able to attend and found it helpful and meaningful.

How did it feel hearing the other client speak?

nottrustin · Nov 11, 2023 at 11:09 PM

Hearing the other client was strange. I have never been a client that is upset by seeing or knowing about other clients.. I know my therapists are awesome, I am thankful other are being helped by them.

In this case the client gave some persin information and started crying uncontrollably. It was uncomfortable. I could noy imagine telli strangers the thins she did.

There were some of Ts colleagues there. On asked me how I knew T and I did tell him was a client but only because I worked in the mental health field. He offered to see me as a client of help me find a referral. It felt awkward. I was already seeing EMDR T and we agreed she would become my therapist rather than long term T being primary amd Emdr T beingobly for Emdr. So I thanked him for the offer but told him I had another person already.
.

wheeler · Nov 12, 2023 at 08:36 AM

My T and I had this conversation awhile ago. Although I don’t know how it came up, but I’m sure I’m the one who somehow started the conversation.
She told me that someone would contact me if something happened to her. And she would be fine with me attending her services.

She then asked if I wanted her to attend my services and I said yes.

It was kind of a weird conversation but at the time it made me feel good that we talked.

I do wonder now if if asked her the same question would her response be the same.

SquarePegGuy · Nov 12, 2023 at 10:02 PM

I've only just started with T; I've had three sessions. So IDK. But I imagine he discusses his patients with his wife, just like my wife might talk about a few of the patients at the walk-in clinic.

I could imagine going to his funeral (after working with him for 6 months or so) and introducing myself to his wife as the nature-loving engineer who started out Catholic, switched to Lutheran and then became Buddhist. But this would be only if encouraged to attend.

BTW, my daughter's T attended her HS graduation; he attended the graduations of a few of his child clients. So there seems to be some crossover into "Real Life."

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atisketatasket Child of a lesser god Member Since Jun 2015 Location: Tartarus Posts: 19,298 (SuperPoster!) 9 12.4k hugs given	Nov 10, 2023 at 10:45 PM #10 Most funerals are advertised in some way, through a newspaper notice or the funeral home website. I wouldn’t go. I go to the funerals of people with whom I had an entirely personal relationship, and to me none of my therapists qualify.
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Therapy reviewed Member Member Since Sep 2022 Location: Eire Posts: 177 2 2 hugs given	Nov 11, 2023 at 02:56 AM #11 My old T had a trusted T friend that would notify her clients if she passed away. No I wouldn't want to attend her funeral and no I wouldn't want T to attend mine. She could if she wanted but it's not a need I ever had.
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