I feel like my T gaslit me

My previous therapist went on maternity leave for the second time 12 months ago. I found the whole thing to be very traumatic; there is a long back story as to why but basically she broke a bunch of promises including that she would be doing the same thing she did the first maternity leave and keep me updated as to her plans. She also said I could email her. Her first maternity leave she took 6 months off and then did 6 months of online sessions before returning to in person. She also sent me updates at 3 and 5 month points.

So this time when I hadn’t heard from her after 3 months I sent an email checking in. It was then that I found out she was not returning for 14 months and would not be offering any online sessions. What followed was a series of emails of me trying to get clarity on what was going on and T refusing to engage. The whole situation was so distressing for me I could eat or sleep properly. During this time I have been seeing a new T which has been helpful however what I’ve been needing most is some closure from old T.

T ended up returning a bit earlier than expected and I actually had a final session with her. I went over everything that was discussed in those emails and T said she didn’t know I wanted any online sessions. I was like “what are you talking about? I literally asked you about them in my emails?!” She said they had already been filled before she went on leave. I was extremely confused and angered by this as these sessions were never discussed with me and I said as much. T said she did offer them and she could check her notes to prove it but we probably wouldn’t agree. She said there was no “objective truth” and I said there is because either it was discussed or it wasn’t. I now don’t know what to believe and I feel totally manipulated and hurt that she knew I was suffering and couldn’t even offer me one session.

Do you think this is gaslighting? I don’t see how I could forget something like that. My recollection of the whole thing was that I was uncertain as to what I was going to do (wait for T or find a new one) and was going to see how I felt once T was gone but that she would be in touch to let me know when she would be back. T’s excuse for not emailing me with updates and for being disengaged in her responses was that she had changed the goal posts but didn’t have the words to tell me that. Wtf? How is that acceptable? I have no words for the sheer ineptitude of this woman. She said so many hurtful things today but I don’t have the energy to go into those right now. I just need to know I’m not being unreasonable 😥

Yes - I think it sounds like the therapist did not take responsibility and tried to squirm around it. It has nothing to do with motherhood - it has to do with the woman not being honest and direct when confronted with evidence of how she screwed up

I would have felt gaslit as well. It seems like she's trying to change the facts now. Even if she thought she'd offered them to you, she could have given you the benefit of the doubt. Or said something like, "I'm so sorry you didn't feel heard in what you wanted from me. Maybe I wasn't clear in offering them or I'm remembering incorrectly. How can I make it up to you?" But instead, it sounds like she's just being defensive and putting the blame on you.

It reminds me of when I had the final rupture with my former marriage counselor, where it seemed he was trying to rewrite history with comments like, "I've always been very clear and consistent in my boundaries." When, no he wasn't! That was a huge part of what was so painful for me--feeling gaslit by him. So I understand.

And yes, I agree with your interpretation. It could be that she *thought* she offered something when she didn't or that she was unclear about it. But she seems to be insisting that she's right and you're wrong. Rather than considering that she wasn't clear, that there was a miscommunication (where maybe she could have confirmed that you didn't want an online session, for example), etc. And it sounds like she just didn't respond to your earlier emails.

I think your feelings are valid and that you're not being unreasonable. I'm not sure where you go from here, if it's worth talking to her anymore about this or if it will just be hitting a brick wall and cause more pain. I'm sorry... Are you still working with the new T?

Yes, I 100% agree with you. I will be investigating how to file a report against her as her behaviour has been extremely unethical and believe she is not competent to actually meet the requirements of her job.

Thank you. She did respond to my earlier emails but did not address or acknowledge 99% of what I wrote. All she would say is she wasn’t available until January next year. When I said this was different to what we discussed she ignored it. When I said that her change in tone suggested she didn’t want me to email her anymore she ignored it. When I asked about online sessions she ignored it.

According to her she, for reasons still unknown to me, changed the goal posts and felt she couldn’t fulfill her promise of emails and updates but didn’t have the words to tell me that. It’s one thing to do that but it’s another to not have the balls or basic human decency to tell me that. Instead she said nothing and for 12 months I was wondering if it was my fault or if something had happened to her or the baby. This level ineptitude is not okay and I will be investigating whether I am able to take further action against her.

In our session yesterday, she literally told me she was holding back from saying anything because she wasn’t my therapist anymore. I didn’t know what to say at the time because I was so hurt by it but now that I have had time to reflect, I am furious that she still charged me for services that she was not willing to provide. Just because a client has opted to terminate doesn’t mean the therapist is allowed to just check out.

Sorry you’re going through this! I don’t think you’re being unreasonable either ❤️ What does your new T say about the whole thing?

Not yet, I have my session on Saturday so I will talk to her about it then.

I just wanted to add a couple more things from that session which upset me as I’m really unsure if I’m being overly sensitive or if what happened was indeed unethical.

The first thing is that during our session, T said “there’s a lot to unpack there but I’m not your therapist so I’m holding back”. I didn’t say anything at the time because I was so hurt and taken aback at the way she just closed off the relationship like that. Upon thinking about it, I am extremely angry at the fact that she charged me for a session but refused to provide her services. It doesn’t matter if I have chosen to see a new therapist, as long as I am paying her she needs to be willing and able to fulfil her duty as a therapist. Right?

The second thing that really bothered me was when I brought up the fact that she had told me I could email her and that she would be keeping me updated whilst she was on leave but then failed to do so. Her explanation was simply that she had moved the goal posts and didn’t know how to tell me. She apologised but didn’t give any further explanation. Does this count as client abandonment? She literally promised me support and then didn’t provide it.

Lastly, when I said I couldn’t think of anything positive from our time together, she said that was because I can’t see the grey. She also pointed out that this was the second time I wasn’t happy with an ending (this was her second maternity leave). Again it felt like she was blaming me and failed to acknowledge her role in these ruptures.

I keep going over the session and thinking of all the things I should have said but didn’t. I don’t know if any of this is reportable but it seems so unfair that she’s allowed to do this without any repercussions.

I would feel so angry at my T if they behaved this way and left me wondering what was happening. Also I can see how she moved the goal posts and didn't have the words to tell you after having another baby. It really messes with your head, the stress, hormones, tiredness...I literally didn't recognise myself for 2 years and still don't really.

I guess therapists are only human. I don't think reporting her would help, it's likely she is already suffering too.

It totally sucks that she couldn't communicate with you about your sessions tho, I'm sorry that happened.

If she didn't know how to handle the situation, she is ethically obligated to consult with her supervisor. She still has a duty of care regardless of whether she is on maternity leave or not. You can't just abandon a client because it's "too hard".

I really don't care about T's suffering. The power imbalance that is an inherent part of the therapeutic relationship automatically means her suffering is not equal to mine. As the client I am in a vulnerable position and T knew this but chose to hurt me anyway. She knew my history of being abandoned by therapists (she will be the fourth now) but she chose to do it anyway. She then has the audacity to gaslight me because her ego won't allow her to take responsibility for her actions.

I don't believe she should be practicing and I don't believe I should have been charged for a session in which she refused to provide services just because I have chosen to see a new T.

Her not be able to return early after maternity leave is understandable. Not informing you is really weird and not understandable. Words? What words? She could literally email that due to child care or health or no reason at all she won’t be returning until XYZ day. It’s easy enough to type. She could ask someone else to inform you too. Just send you an update. That’s not hard

There was no expectation for her to "return early", that's not the issue. The issue is she said we had discussed online sessions before her leave but I don't recall ever having that conversation. Instead of acknowledging there had been a miscommunication and apologising, she gaslit me by saying she could check her notes but that I probably wouldn't agree with her anyway. Even if we had discussed it, it was not clearly communicated to me that if I said no that there was no opportunity to change my mind. No dates or time frames were given except that she would "do what she did last time" and "keep me updated". When she didn't keep me updated I contacted her (as she had said I could). Her response was very curt. When I asked if she would be offering online sessions (as she did last time) she ignored my question and just said the same thing as she did in her first email.

As all of this has caused me significant distress and we did not have a proper termination session before her leave, I had my final session on Monday and she basically refused to engage. By her own admission she was "holding back" because she's not my T anymore. She seemed to think that because I am seeing someone else she doesn't have to treat me anymore but she is somehow still entitled to charge me.

Edit to add: T did in fact "return early" and was providing online sessions to other clients but did not offer this to me due to the aforementioned miscommunication. Even though T knew I was struggling (as I communicated this in my emails) she still refused to offer me any support.