Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Analysing this is easier than feeling it.
For the first six months, I needed to keep myself safe because we were working virtually.
Who am I holding it together for now?

The word for Steve is 'mentor'.

I want to send you the poem I just wrote but I'm not going to. I'm so good to you. Ha.

Dr. S - I sent the Goodbye. You replied. It's been a weirdly harder few days. I am still mad about elements of what happened. Mad at you and the universe. You were never suppose to be gone. That was kind of the deal. It wasn't a promise so much as the purpose of creating the attachment in the first place.

Dear T,

I miss you. D's having a big meltdown. And I want to talk to you about the stuff about me that I discussed with R, even though I imagine you'll disagree with her idea, based on things you've said before. And there's just other stuff I want to talk about, too. I hate having no idea where you are right now.

None of this is at the level to warrant an email, especially not this early in the week. And I see R tomorrow morning, assuming things don't go awry with the morning schedule here.

But still...I wish I could talk to you...

Hope you're safe and healthy and all.

Love you,
LT

Well you seemed pretty bored with me today, and I lost count of how many times you looked at the clock. Why?

E: pretty much the worst time for you to be on vacation. and i just saw you last night. things have immeasurably gone wrong. and only going to get worse, and i have no one to talk to about it. how will i make it another week, especially when the anniversary is monday? help.

Dumping youse ASAP.

As soon as I find at least transitional housing.

I don't know if you'll want me to switch to telehealth since you get so freaky over germs. As of tonight I'm still blowing out blood and coughing a bit but I've taken almost 2 full days of antibiotics.

Idk. Maybe you'll call in first and I won't have to worry

I'm listening to the song Say Something and it reminds me of my transference T. I thought of her the other day and I was wondering why I still think of her after almost 3 years. I think my brain just got rewired.

I know I need to be honest with you but how do I tell you stuff without ending up IP. Because I'm feeling serious stuff but its not like IP stuff.

Its med whdrawels and being without meds and antbiiotic side effects and I'm trying to cope by myself in the next hour. Maybe I'll just take my meds early.

'Where we cannot go in our mind, our memory, or our body is where we cannot be straight with another, our world, or our self.'

- David Whyte, speaking on honesty

We've covered some hard intellectual ground, but the emotional side of this experience holds a lot of fear to me.

I need to know that you will be there, whatever unfolds.

Dear R,

I had a nice lunch with my friend J yesterday. And I haven't spent much time replaying what I may have done wrong either. It seemed like we both enjoyed ourselves. Think she's a level 4, even if we don't get together that often (she seemed open to more frequently though, if our work schedules allow).

The weird thing about your being my backup T is that I don't get to update you on those things as I would with Dr. T. I mean, I guess I could send a quick email, but would that be weird or annoying? Maybe I'll wait till after I see Dr. T Monday (assuming he still exists, as I'm not 100% sure right now) and can also give you a brief update on that, if I share with him what you and I discussed? I don't know. I don't want to overstep any boundaries. But it's weird to be like, "OK, I guess I'll update you...whenever it is that I meet with you again. Maybe not till the summer." Though I don't know--maybe I could arrange to meet with you sometime next month or whatever.

Anyway, meeting with you was helpful, and I'm glad we were able to have Wednesday's session. As I felt like Monday's sort of opened up lots of questions that would have been just hanging. Not that things in the one area are resolved, but at least we could discuss them more.

--LT

Dear T,

Do you still exist? Earlier in the week, I was just missing you, but it was tolerable. A bit sad, but OK. Now I'm at the "questioning your existence" stage, which is more difficult in some ways. Maybe I'll send a one- or two-sentence email tonight, I don't know. Will see what I'm feeling later.

Love you,
LT

I feel like walking the seas right now or some ****. No I'm not high. Kinda down though. Idk what to do. I'm not on any kind of schedule with anything. I took my PM meds at noon and I just took melatonin now in the afternoon.

I'm trying that Bore Me To Sleep podcast. I hope I don't get the heebie jeebies in an hour from it

Dear T,

Well, I didn't email. I had a couple moments, but got through them. Not sure if I will tonight.

I did work on a little writing.

Love,
LT

Dear T,

And tonight, I did a bit of microfiction. But I might email. I made it 8 days. That's pretty good. I think you'd agree. Plus, you might be home by now (or at least by tomorrow morning, when you'd read my email).


Love,
LT

Dear T,
OK, I emailed. I don't expect much, just an acknowledgment of your existence, really.


Love you,
LT

What do people even do on Sundays. Why does everyone seem to disappear. Is there some kind of sunday ritual I'm meant to be doing. I hate Sundays.