Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Thanks for that reassurance that I pass 10/10. Also thanks for some other reassurance about things

By the way I did eat today and I ate when I got home too.

In this moment I am happy, but I'm also so very tired. I've been up since 4.50am.

The highlight of my day will be just getting to sleep. I'm grateful I have a safe space.

'Many people in our podcast community had someone they thought would be an anchor, and then they weren't.' - Kate Bowler

The reality of that stings in my life.

Dear T,

Felt connected today, so thank you for that. Not sure what I was doing with the handshake at the end, but glad there was a do-over!

I'm glad, too, that you were willing to talk about the potential location of your new office. Without seeing it, I kinda hope it works out, based on location alone. Though sad it will likely be a little smaller. It helps that you're willing to talk to me about the process, to keep me in the loop. Glad R plans to go with you, too!

I'd like to figure out some sort of way to say goodbye to/honor your current office, though there's plenty of time to think about and discuss that. Hopefully, you'd at least be willing to let me take a picture before you pack things up (I'd like one with you in it, but pretty sure you'd say no to that! Suppose it's worth an ask.)

Love,
LT

I had an insight this morning while journaling. Don't have anywhere else to share it but here now, so here goes: I’ve been thinking a lot about this whole “I need to grow up” thing and why it’s such a big deal for me. I’ve come to realize that repeatedly being told to “grow up” as a kid is part of my trauma! I mean think about it. To a child whose brain is still forming, who’s learning about the world, who’s just trying her best to survive in an often chaotic and abusive environment, being told to “grow up” sends yet another message that “You’re not enough as you are” and “You’re bad, you’re wrong, you need to change”.

And the fact that I've finally been able to hear this - to own and accept it - that I need to grow up - without going into denial/victim mode - is evidence of my healing that trauma.

And calling you on Wednesday morning was another step in my growing up.

Thank you for everything, from my heart to yours.

You're right - I am only now beginning to appreciate what he held for me....so much.

It would be easier if I could just be sad, but it appears I have to feel everything else under the sun before that can happen.

You literally said 1400 calories a day is considered a starvation diet. Lol.

Dear T,

Was hoping to go out with H tonight, but D thwarted that plan. Well, I guess H let her do that. Hoping she's willing to go to his mom's a bit tomorrow so we can go out. I just started feeling really sad earlier, fearing that this will be the rest of my life... And I hope I can have a few days away next month, but worry I'll have to delay that yet again. Wish I could talk to you, but we can discuss Monday. Not sure what you could say in an email to help... Would rather just talk.


Love,
LT

I suppose navigating spirituality after any kind of loss is hard, but after a loss like this...it's going to be harder.

Above anything, thank you for being willing to have this part of the conversation with me.

Dear T,
I feel awkward sharing my past and present medical issues with you since I learned we have similar problems.
Do my reminiscences, issues, and stories scare you? Are you uncomfortable hearing about them?
I think I will keep them to myself from now on.

Dear T,

D was anxious tonight because she has what I'm hoping are allergy issues and is afraid she won't be able to go to school tomorrow. She was getting pretty upset, and H yelled at her. It triggered me. I told him to stop (OK, I yelled, I guess), and he yelled at me. It's taking me back to being a kid and my parents being upset with me for my anxiety. Why does this stuff always seem to happen a few hours after sessions? I don't really want to email. I'm managing, though probably not as best as I could be.

I did walk earlier, like I said I would, full loop of the lake, so there's that.

Maybe I can use this as writing fodder...

Love,
LT

I know you're not there, and still I wait...

I used a containment exercise this morning in an effort to get through work.
Moving the Critic to a fish tank is something I should have done a long time ago.

Write me a letter saying I can go back to the women's only pretty kickass shelter. Say you'll be on top of me (not in that way ) and that I'll be smart enough to not think (ok. stupid enough to think, but smart enough to at least not say anything).

I'm finally reading Jayson Greene's book Once More We Saw Stars.

Even though I bought it, I didn't think I would actually take the next step.

He talks about his therapist 'transforming into an inanimate object I could lean on' after his daughter's sudden death.

I didn't clock the times that you've done that for me.

Thank you.

I kind of hope you switch to remote tommorow. Mainly because I'm lazy.

Dear T,

A couple things: I felt very validated today, regarding the H yelling stuff. So thank you for that. And not putting it on me as overreacting, as it felt ex-MC tended to do.

Also, I keep thinking of how you said you held that one male teen client's hand all session when his parent had passed away. I had wanted to ask you about a brief handshake in the middle (instead of just at the end) of the session two Sundays ago where I was having a panic attack. It would have been an obvious opening today, when you mentioned that, to ask if you might have done that with me. Like 30 seconds, not the whole session. But it might have been especially painful if you'd said no.

I suppose I could ask if you'd ever be willing to do a pre-session (if I'm feeling really anxious/we'd had a conflict--I've wondered this before) or mid-session handshake, with the expectation that you'd say no. And thinking if you'd say "yes" or "maybe," that would be a positive? Though if it's a "no" (or "probably not"), maybe we could talk about other options for nonverbal grounding, connection, etc. Like what someone on Quora described with client and therapist each squeezing their own hands on their respective laps from across the room, with no actual touching. Or, I don't know, if you could hold some stone in your hand, then set it on the ottoman for me to pick up and hold. So it's like a connection, but no actual touch. I'll think about whether it's worth asking.

Love,
LT

Thank you.

My mom isnt too happy. She says you switch too much.

Hi R,

I've never been in the practice of telling you what I think you want to hear, so I don't know why this has come up now...but when we began talking about me forgiving Steve, as I reflected on that afterwards...

If that is a goal, then it's not now, not yet.

I still don't recognise the landscape of my life or my inner world these days.

Being able to cry or express emotion in other ways is movement to me.

We know that I struggle with anger, because anger is violence in my mind.

I found myself thinking on Tuesday...Faith is less about what happens afterwards than what helps sustain me now. I'm not even sure what that looks like in the aftermath of this.

I keep looking for resources, but nobody else is having my experience, so that doesn't really work.

I hope you return from your break refreshed so that we can explore this new facet of the work together.

Take care,

Lost

tomorrow will be 2 weeks since we last met. why am i even counting?!

You did look like crap today so I knew you really were sick. But it was a good session anyways.

The person above me had a slow water leak. The original water stain was always there, but it was tiny. it grew bigger overnight. I now also have pink mould growing on my celling and wall.



My landlord already came out this morning to see it after I messaged him. He said he fixed the issue above, and it needs to dry out first.

I laughed at how minor this was given what's going on in the world.

It's natural for humans to mark the passage of time. Counting the days could also be a reflection of the significance of your relationship with t, even if you're not consciously aware of it. Counting also keeps you connected even though the relationship is over.

You stop counting, when you stop counting.

Dear T,

I understand your wanting to think about it. But after session, I realized: If you think about it, considering my fairly detailed explanation of what exactly I meant, and *then* say it's not OK, I think that would actually feel worse than if you'd just said "no" outright. Because then, I could think, "Maybe you misunderstood what I'm asking." And maybe you still could be.

But if I come in Monday, and you're like, "Yeah, I thought about it, and I wouldn't be comfortable with that, even if it's very occasionally," I know I would struggle with that. Unless you could give a really clear explanation and would offer up alternatives. Or be open to what I suggest, as I didn't fully explain them today.

And seriously, you should have known better than to give the "I love you" hanging out there example for the one thing I was talking about... Though maybe it possibly helped you understand how awkward that was for me, back when that happened? If you somehow hadn't comprehended that already, from our various discussions about it?

Love,
LT

Dear T,

Also, H told D to "shut up" tonight, and it really bothered me. He said to me (not to her) a bit later that he shouldn't have snapped at her. But he doesn't seem to get why "shut up" isn't OK (unless maybe in some extreme circumstance, like if you're waiting for instructions in an emergency).

I think you have a similar opinion of "shut up," so you'd get it. I've been validated in a women's Facebook group I'm in, so that's helping.

Love,
LT