Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Dear T,

Glad you had Sunday available. Honestly, it works out better, with D being off Monday. And I'm not sure emailing would have been the best idea. So, we can just talk about it.

Love,
LT

You wanna know what's ********?! What's ******** is how long I've been seeing you. I'm a bloomin' idiot.

How could I have made myself so vulnerable by telling you those things today? ****, ****, ****.

Yes, Artie is angry. Surprise, surprise.

Dear T,

I'm struggling so much right now... I wish I could talk to you. Though don't know if it would help?

II'll be OK.

Love,
LT

I'm glad you didnt go on attack mode after you realized I really needed to eat and thats why I was shutting down. Also I'm glad you let me do sessions lying in bed on my side under my blankets when I don't feel good. If I did that during a pdoc session there would be a lot of questions.

I do believe, dear T, that you and I both need a break from each other.

Hugs, Artie. Wondering that about Dr. T myself...

So, it's just dawned on me that I triggered myself this afternoon.

I thought I was just watching a documentary about one of my current favourite musicians, who's been through the mill with some medical stuff of late.



Really, it's no wonder I'm feeling a bit funny.

Dear T,

You made me feel cared for today. I think that might have been what I needed from you? So, thanks for that.

Love you,
LT

it's just... what you said Friday about my "********". If you really think that... then there's no point to continuing. I'm about 85% wanting to call & cancel this week, damn the consequences. You keep saying I just need to grow up. Maybe calling and canceling and then dealing with the consequences would help me do that. Seriously; it really does feel to me like both of us need a break from each other for a while. You'll deny it of course.

Art you need to do what's best for you.

Trust your gut feeling and listen your own intuition.

thanks, dear lemoncake. i'm workin' on it. i'll let you know.

I realized during my coda meeting last night just what a freakin' stranglehold this codependent need for control has over me. I felt so utterly broken last night and practically fell to my knees on camera to beg my higher power to remove that particular character default. I feel utterly broken because of the mess our relationship is right now, too. That stuff you said on Friday about my "********" just cut me to the very core and I don't think I can ever look at you the same again. I'm afraid to come in on Friday and tell you that, and I'm afraid to call and cancel too. Afraid you'll be mad and yell at me either way. And I feel too fragile for that. I haven't felt this broken, this much shame, in a long time.

Dear former T,
You were the person who walked me through the toughest years of my life. Our therapy has been over for some years now and I am happy we kept in touch a little, somehow. I like your “human” side as well.
You will always be the best and my favourite, with all your flaws as well, because you cared a lot and it’s such a good feeling to be in this quiet place when it comes to our relationship. I am so happy for all that you have achieved in these years. I was one of you first clients and we saw each other grow.
Last night I dreamt of you being sick and woke up sad.
Usually I have the urge to get in touch with people I dream of, but not with you. I know I could, now but I also know you are very fine and going strong. I want to keep growing. Walk on my own. Meet you one day for a walk in the park like you suggested in your Christmas letter. Not as a needy client. For that I have current T to stress, after all. When I joke that she should retire she makes a good laugh. You’ve passed me to another good person and I will always be grateful for that.
I wish you the very best till the moment for that walk comes.

So many feelings
All my words are not enough
That's why no email.

I lied last week. It isn't ok. The problem is that anything can start to look like an ending.

Thank you, L, for everything and for being so understanding on the phone just now. You're the best, truly. Overall, I've been so blessed to have had you as my T for the past 12+ years. I know I got upset with you sometimes, but most of those times especially recently it was because I was avoiding some truths. And I'm pretty much 100% sure you already know that. I love you, probably always will, you know this also, which is why I didn't say so on the phone...

I saw a story on the news about a guy who had treatment resitant bipolar so bad he ended up homeless. Then he started the keto diet and now lives a normal life. I think they even mentioned how therapists just believe dieting is a bunch of restrictive BS. But it saved this guys life.

oh, and I am celebrating this evening with a delicious piece of cheesecake.

Dear T,
I want to email and tell you I signed up for the course. But I can just tell you Friday.

I'm glad you weren't bothered by the R stuff. Also, that I still felt connected to you today. Maybe Friday, I'll bring up the other thing I wanted to talk about from Sunday. Or maybe I should wait till Monday. We'll see.

Love,
LT