Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Dear T,

Your emphatically stating, "You're definitely not boring" means more to me than you may ever know. Especially considering, as you said, how much time you spend talking to me each week. So, thank you for that.

And I already put in my calendar to return your book (I just need to remember to read that chapter over the weekend! Though it's not like you asked for it back Monday, just to return it eventually.) Means a lot, too, that you trust me enough to lend me a book, when you said you've stopped letting clients borrow them. Even after I warned you that I'm terrible about remembering to return them. Then again, this is a trade paperback with a listed price of $15 on the back (not sure when you got it), so not like I'm borrowing an original, rare edition of something.

My fear of somehow losing it did inspire an idea for a short story, so maybe I should try writing that over the weekend.

Love,
LT

You'd be proud of me. So, I had a nightmare last night that was so scary I screamed irl, woke hubby up (but not myself) he said it was the loudest I have ever screamed in my sleep (and as you know that's saying something). Anyway I sat with the dream for a while just now, felt all the resulting feelings, and then channeled those feelings into a poem. And, I consciously made the decision to use an established form rather than just free-versing it, because I didn't want the dream to take over the poem. It needed to be expressed yet still reigned in. I love poetry. So much! I'm working with established forms a lot lately; learning so much from my fellow poets in our fb group, and improving my craft.

In the midst of everything, a workshop on unreliable narrators with my teen creative writing students.

The scenario was a murder mystery. My colleague and I didn't discuss how the victim was killed.



We both know that I don't do detail.

The information you have provided is more than sufficient for me to...get the picture.

Five more sleeps, and we already have too much to talk about.

See you soon.

You asked if my pdoc was a "croctchy old man." Lol you would have been so uncomfortable with the old man gynecologist who did my surgery.

Dear T,

Thanks for lending me that book. I think what I read (beyond the chapter you suggested) helped me have a good dinner with H tonight. I feel we had some important discussion. I was focusing (as best I could) on listening to him and making him feel heard instead of talking about my stuff. I think I did OK? And it's also like I understood more once he talked about some things. So, hoping this is one step in improving our marital relationship (I was starting to get pretty depressed by some of the quizzes in the book).

Love,
LT

“Make better choices”

Of course. Why didn’t I think of that?

Dr. S - I want to write you so badly. I know I can't. Or shouldn't. I know it's allowed; however, it's not what is best for me.

I also want to tell you that I hate you. Which only some of me feels.

TW for New Age spirituality.



When I feel the need to cry, I need to feel properly supported, not exposed to a complete stranger.

i'm starting to feel a twinge of guilt about this. but am telling myself to stop it a la bob newhart because i did what i know was best for me.

I’m gonna call you Doc Dempsey from now on.

You’d be proud of me. No major trouble since last appointment. Staying out of jail AND the hospital AND I’ve always passed my breathalyzer and drug tests.

Training at work today was horrific.

Who knew a book recommendation could floor me like that?

It wasn't the way I envisaged sharing my backstory with my new boss.

Hi R,

Someone just asked me about my goals in therapy.
As far as I can tell, the last time we discussed was in 2019...before any of the current crap happened.

These days I feel that we're still working on me being comfortable asking for what I need, and being able to be comfortable with and communicate my emotions.

It feels like a very personal question.

When you've been through something life changing, it's hard to imagine being comfortable talking about that topic.

Two more sleeps until we can unpack the cluster that this break has been.

See you soon,

Lost

i don't know how i'm supposed to talk to you tomorrow. and i'm not sure which i'm more upset about: the choice you're forcing on me which will harm me either way, or the fact you had this boundary and only now disclosed it after all these years we've been working together. surely being clear about this kind of situation is Therapy 101? full disclosure? informed consent?

i'm still not even sure you *can* ban me from an entire community.

your arrogance and lack of compassion about this is really pissing me off.

Idk if I should move you to remote. I'm getting a level 2 controlled substance med delivered by UPS sometime tommorow that I'll have to sign for and I can't miss it.

Dear T,

I didn't realize until after I stepped out of your office that I was shaking. Maybe it only started then? Usually, I realize if it's happening in session, or maybe you point it out. So, obviously, some of that really affected me. I'm not sure how I feel on some of it. Including how you suggested that if you asked ex-MC if my emails had been a highlight of his day, he'd say no. How is that supposed to make me feel? I mean, it's not like I was thinking they were. But still...

Love,
LT

waves of i miss you this evening... this too shall pass... right?

Well it came before our appointment. And I didn't have to sign for it. And it doesn't need to be in the fridge either. So **** I guess.

ok so maybe it was dumb of me to email you that poem last night. but whatever. i didn't give myself the chance to properly thank you before, so now i have. i hope you will read it, and that you will find it meaningful.

eta: i admit i'm a little bit sad that you haven't responded. oh well.

Almost six years since Steve's crowdfunding campaign for his second book.

I find myself remembering the night I stayed up listening to his campaign supporter livestream.

He read the introduction to the book, which included a letter he'd written to God about his anxiety.

The last line was 'Come to me as calm, and hold me while I quake.'

In the words of Ringo Starr at the Concert for George..."The meaning has changed now."

cold.

brrr.

why silence?

I never did understand the purportedly necessary convolutedness of this relationship. Your silence makes me feel like saying thank you with my poem was wrong and that I am bad for having done so. Why is acknowledging a thank you such a difficult thing for you? Maybe you should talk to someone about that.

I don't even know why I'm letting myself feel sad over this. It's my own stupid damn fault as usual. All of it.

ok. that last post was uncalled for. glad for the option to delete.

What you do (or don't do) is a reflection of who you are. I'm going to stop making it about me now.

I mean I guess its being privilaged. Thats not the word I was going for. But I think its a healthcare and insurance issue not a rich and famous issue. Since I am neither.