Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

precaryous · Feb 22, 2024 at 10:04 AM

Dear T,
I SO want to ask you what’s going on with you but I am afraid of the answer.

LostOnTheTrail · Feb 22, 2024 at 10:08 AM

We touched the essence of it today.

I definitely feel more vulnerable in the world since Steve's death.

That makes little sense to me, but I think you understand it.

Thanks for being open to my process around the other video.

ArtieTheSequal · Feb 22, 2024 at 12:09 PM

I feel SO good about my decision and our brief phone call yesterday. It was right.

LostOnTheTrail · Feb 22, 2024 at 12:13 PM

Well done, Artie.

ArtieTheSequal · Feb 22, 2024 at 02:02 PM

hey L, betcha dollars to donuts my 'trapped in a cult' dreams are gonna stop now!!

Mountaindewed · Feb 22, 2024 at 05:07 PM

Thanks for that reassurance that I pass 10/10. Also thanks for some other reassurance about things

By the way I did eat today and I ate when I got home too.

Lemoncake · Feb 23, 2024 at 09:47 AM

In this moment I am happy, but I'm also so very tired. I've been up since 4.50am.

The highlight of my day will be just getting to sleep. I'm grateful I have a safe space.

LostOnTheTrail · Feb 23, 2024 at 10:17 AM

'Many people in our podcast community had someone they thought would be an anchor, and then they weren't.' - Kate Bowler

The reality of that stings in my life.

LonesomeTonight · Feb 23, 2024 at 09:06 PM

Dear T,

Felt connected today, so thank you for that. Not sure what I was doing with the handshake at the end, but glad there was a do-over!

I'm glad, too, that you were willing to talk about the potential location of your new office. Without seeing it, I kinda hope it works out, based on location alone. Though sad it will likely be a little smaller. It helps that you're willing to talk to me about the process, to keep me in the loop. Glad R plans to go with you, too!

I'd like to figure out some sort of way to say goodbye to/honor your current office, though there's plenty of time to think about and discuss that. Hopefully, you'd at least be willing to let me take a picture before you pack things up (I'd like one with you in it, but pretty sure you'd say no to that! Suppose it's worth an ask.)

Love,
LT

ArtieTheSequal · Feb 24, 2024 at 12:54 PM

I had an insight this morning while journaling. Don't have anywhere else to share it but here now, so here goes: I’ve been thinking a lot about this whole “I need to grow up” thing and why it’s such a big deal for me. I’ve come to realize that repeatedly being told to “grow up” as a kid is part of my trauma! I mean think about it. To a child whose brain is still forming, who’s learning about the world, who’s just trying her best to survive in an often chaotic and abusive environment, being told to “grow up” sends yet another message that “You’re not enough as you are” and “You’re bad, you’re wrong, you need to change”.

And the fact that I've finally been able to hear this - to own and accept it - that I need to grow up - without going into denial/victim mode - is evidence of my healing that trauma.

And calling you on Wednesday morning was another step in my growing up.

Thank you for everything, from my heart to yours.

LostOnTheTrail · Feb 24, 2024 at 01:21 PM

You're right - I am only now beginning to appreciate what he held for me....so much.

It would be easier if I could just be sad, but it appears I have to feel everything else under the sun before that can happen.

Mountaindewed · Feb 24, 2024 at 05:14 PM

You literally said 1400 calories a day is considered a starvation diet. Lol.

LonesomeTonight · Feb 24, 2024 at 05:45 PM

Dear T,

Was hoping to go out with H tonight, but D thwarted that plan. Well, I guess H let her do that. Hoping she's willing to go to his mom's a bit tomorrow so we can go out. I just started feeling really sad earlier, fearing that this will be the rest of my life... And I hope I can have a few days away next month, but worry I'll have to delay that yet again. Wish I could talk to you, but we can discuss Monday. Not sure what you could say in an email to help... Would rather just talk.

Love,
LT

LostOnTheTrail · Feb 26, 2024 at 10:53 AM

I suppose navigating spirituality after any kind of loss is hard, but after a loss like this...it's going to be harder.

Above anything, thank you for being willing to have this part of the conversation with me.

precaryous · Feb 26, 2024 at 07:13 PM

Dear T,
I feel awkward sharing my past and present medical issues with you since I learned we have similar problems.
Do my reminiscences, issues, and stories scare you? Are you uncomfortable hearing about them?
I think I will keep them to myself from now on.

LonesomeTonight · Feb 26, 2024 at 09:18 PM

Dear T,

D was anxious tonight because she has what I'm hoping are allergy issues and is afraid she won't be able to go to school tomorrow. She was getting pretty upset, and H yelled at her. It triggered me. I told him to stop (OK, I yelled, I guess), and he yelled at me. It's taking me back to being a kid and my parents being upset with me for my anxiety. Why does this stuff always seem to happen a few hours after sessions? I don't really want to email. I'm managing, though probably not as best as I could be.

I did walk earlier, like I said I would, full loop of the lake, so there's that.

Maybe I can use this as writing fodder...

Love,
LT

ScarletPimpernel · Feb 26, 2024 at 11:04 PM

I know you're not there, and still I wait...

LostOnTheTrail · Feb 27, 2024 at 11:13 AM

I used a containment exercise this morning in an effort to get through work.
Moving the Critic to a fish tank is something I should have done a long time ago.

MuddyBoots · Feb 27, 2024 at 03:07 PM

Write me a letter saying I can go back to the women's only pretty kickass shelter. Say you'll be on top of me (not in that way

) and that I'll be smart enough to not think (ok. stupid enough to think, but smart enough to at least not say anything).

LostOnTheTrail · Feb 28, 2024 at 03:54 AM

I'm finally reading Jayson Greene's book Once More We Saw Stars.

Even though I bought it, I didn't think I would actually take the next step.

He talks about his therapist 'transforming into an inanimate object I could lean on' after his daughter's sudden death.

I didn't clock the times that you've done that for me.

Thank you.

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

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precaryous Inner Space Traveler Member Since May 2014 Location: on the wing of an eagle Posts: 3,892 10 8,164 hugs given	Feb 22, 2024 at 10:04 AM #321 Dear T, I SO want to ask you what’s going on with you but I am afraid of the answer.

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert of my soul Posts: 7,604 (SuperPoster!) 4 6,016 hugs given	Feb 22, 2024 at 12:09 PM #323 I feel SO good about my decision and our brief phone call yesterday. It was right.

LostOnTheTrail Human Feeling Member Since Aug 2011 Location: England Posts: 5,451 13 3,535 hugs given	Feb 22, 2024 at 12:13 PM #324 Well done, Artie. __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...' Steve Earle - Fort Worth Blues 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert of my soul Posts: 7,604 (SuperPoster!) 4 6,016 hugs given	Feb 22, 2024 at 02:02 PM #325 hey L, betcha dollars to donuts my 'trapped in a cult' dreams are gonna stop now!!

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 38,802 (SuperPoster!) 8 9,764 hugs given	Feb 22, 2024 at 05:07 PM #326 Thanks for that reassurance that I pass 10/10. Also thanks for some other reassurance about things By the way I did eat today and I ate when I got home too. __________________ I'm Blue

Lemoncake Roses are falling. Member Since May 2017 Location: Seattle. Posts: 9,955 (SuperPoster!) 7 10.5k hugs given	Feb 23, 2024 at 09:47 AM #327 In this moment I am happy, but I'm also so very tired. I've been up since 4.50am. The highlight of my day will be just getting to sleep. I'm grateful I have a safe space. __________________

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 38,802 (SuperPoster!) 8 9,764 hugs given	Feb 24, 2024 at 05:14 PM #332 You literally said 1400 calories a day is considered a starvation diet. Lol. __________________ I'm Blue

precaryous Inner Space Traveler Member Since May 2014 Location: on the wing of an eagle Posts: 3,892 10 8,164 hugs given	Feb 26, 2024 at 07:13 PM #335 Dear T, I feel awkward sharing my past and present medical issues with you since I learned we have similar problems. Do my reminiscences, issues, and stories scare you? Are you uncomfortable hearing about them? I think I will keep them to myself from now on.

ScarletPimpernel Wise Elder Member Since Nov 2013 Location: US Posts: 8,741 (SuperPoster!) 11 7,258 hugs given	Feb 26, 2024 at 11:04 PM #337 I know you're not there, and still I wait... __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica

MuddyBoots Monster on the Hill Member Since Sep 2020 Location: by the river Posts: 5,527 (SuperPoster!) 4 6,436 hugs given	Feb 27, 2024 at 03:07 PM #339 Write me a letter saying I can go back to the women's only pretty kickass shelter. Say you'll be on top of me (not in that way ) and that I'll be smart enough to not think (ok. stupid enough to think, but smart enough to at least not say anything). __________________ [Insert thought-provoking and comedic quote here]