Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

'I didn't make the call because I couldn't talk about it twice' is a terrible excuse, I know.

I am keen to talk about it with you in a few days.

Dear T,
Feeling a bit weird about the session. I do wish you'd said in advance you'd have the background blurred. I think that alone might have been OK.

But when you shared your screen with the info on the writing group, and I said I was going to screenshot it--like, I was literally going to take a screenshot of that portion of the screen, not the whole thing--you seemed really anxious, like you suddenly pasted in the chat, then texted it to me. I've been a MacBook owner for many years; I know how to take a cropped screenshot.

And I shouldn't have mentioned the post-session "Safe travels" text, I guess.

I imagine you're just distracted with whatever you're working on while there. And maybe you were worried I'd somehow capture something in the background with the screenshot that would affect the privacy of wherever you were? That it wasn't about *me*, but about any client who might have done that? Much of the content of the session was good and helpful. At least Thursday, I'll be prepared for the blurring.

Love,
LT

Dear T,
Now I'm like, "Maybe I should just cancel Thursday." But I Imagine you'd be annoyed if I did that. I guess I have until 9:59 a.m. Wednesday to figure it out. High chance of regretting it if I did that now, and I'm pretty sure you wouldn't give it back if I changed my mind, just due to your very limited schedule this week. That maybe you'd put someone else in there.

Love,
LT

Thanks for making that emergency appointment for tommorow. The thing is, I threw up after I emailed you and I felt a lot better. So here we go again with me being in a mental health crisis and it ending up that something physical was about to happen. Something we have been discussing.

Dr. S - I miss you. I cancelled on Dr. H for tomorrow. I didn't want to see him and I still don't. I figured (kept/keep thinking) that all that time I went to session when I didn't feel like it ... what did it get me. So, why go now if I don't feel like it. And after reading Dr. D's notes; why go and have more stuff written down about me... pathologizing my existence - my willingness to be open and explore parts of myself and to be honest with another person about that experience and how I am feeling about existing - about my everyday life?

You wrote notes like that about me. Some of it would be fair - some of it wouldn't.

Dear T,

And so I am here again...

I'm not in a good place tonight. Session today was beyond anything I thought I would ever be able to do, but maybe we went too far. Maybe we crossed the line of safety, especially with you now on holiday, K gone and no garden therapy this week. Talking about all of that was insanely difficult, but the most difficult thing is now being left alone to handle the fallout.

I wonder if you knew how much I was crying while thinking about/talking about that stuff. You normally give me a tissue if you notice but you didn't today. Not a problem to be, but it makes me wonder if you didn't notice my silent tears as I turned away from you.

I wrote you an email, the first in a long long time. I also wrote a poem, again the first in a long long time. Things are shifting, for sure, but sometimes it feels like I'm going to be buried alive by the shifting sands, and it's not a nice feeling at all.

I just don't really know how to deal with these feelings, especially when I feel so alone with them.

Maybe I should start listening to those f*** off voices and quit trying to do this.

Thanks for being cool about the crisis being over and blaming the antibiotic like I did. I'm glad we talked about that documentary that upset me.

I don't know why I feel like writing to you here. But anyway I just wrote (and re-wrote) poem #121 since starting the year-long poem a day challenge on Jan 17. I'm not posting all of them on my poetry blog of course because some of them totally suck haha. But I am going to be reworking a bunch of them during April. Woo!

Hoping you'll acknowledge my email before we meet tomorrow.
It would be easier if I didn't have to run through the scenario from the beginning.

Actually, I am glad I saw you yesterday morning on zoom instead of seeing you tommorow in person. It makes things easier.

Also pdoc: I know you're gonna kick my butt in a few days because of the lamictal situation, but now I need to go off my valium for 3 days for a test and I don't think I can do it. But how do I bring up valium without you kicking my butt twice as hard?

I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to my message, even though we'll see one another in the morning.

I am currently in the grip of a brand-new complex who is super-duper pissed off at you and wants to post mean **** about you. I'd get drunk if I didn't have to pick up H when he drops off his car at the shop this evening. Artie is feeling like a vindictive ***** tonight.

okay so what I am, is sailing between islands named Grateful Understanding, Anger, and Apathy; still looking for the one called Acceptance. This island of Anger has a lot of fun parties going on, so I may be here for a while.

My poem for today is titled "A Cult of Two".

I should have quit seeing you YEARS ago.

Dear T,
Wish I could talk to you before Monday. I sincerely doubt that one of your three planned slots for tomorrow is available and doubt you're working Sunday (more because you were away, not so much because of Easter, but maybe?) Under normal circumstances, I'd text to ask. But I don't want to bother you if you're still working on that article. (I imagine nearly any other client would just text anyway...)

I know I could email to ask, which wouldn't bother you in the way that a text would (unless you've DNDed your phone). But you may not look at that until the morning, and then it would be very last-minute. I also don't want to send another email looking for a more substantive reply because you already replied to one this week, and I'd likely be near the $ threshold, plus you're busy, so...

This has nothing to do with today's session (well, maybe one of the topics is contributing, but not what we discussed about it) or the therapeutic relationship. Just spiraling thoughts, like, why would anyone want to stay with someone who just happens to get migraines whenever they have a fully free night together? Did I mess up by forgetting to have a second cup of coffee? Should I have just said I couldn't do that other work? Or is this shifting weather plus stress plus maybe hormones (it feels related to those, but with perimenopause, I never know when anything will be), nothing I did wrong? Well, I could probably handle stress better, but...

Maybe I'll do better once I have the house to myself for a day and a half? I guess my fear is that I won't, then I'm here alone with my thoughts.

Love,
LT

There are other layers to Easter now.
This year it isn't wrapped up in Chris' dying time for once.

TW for religious talk

Dear T,

OK, H is reacting very kindly to my having the migraine, so I feel a bit better about things. Still sort of guilty. I think I'll get through OK till Monday. If I find I'm struggling later tonight or early in the morning, maybe I ask if you have anything tomorrow. But I doubt you would, and I feel then I'd be disrupting you and feeling a small twinge of rejection (even if expected and completely understandable, it can still feel that way) for nothing. Maybe I'll try to focus on my writing instead, if I can get through this mountain of work. And I need to start working on the living room straightening, too. So plenty to keep me occupied, I suppose.

Love,
LT

8 weeks - I would really like to email you.

Y'all t's really should put in your opening paperwork that the therapeutic relationship can become very complex and challenging and is not something to be entered into lightly. You know? I mean for real.