Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Guess who no longer has the desire to be your friend?

Miracles DO happen.

I emailed you awhile ago about something really important and its kinda strange you haven't replied yet.

I still haven't heard back. Also got blown off by my pdoc among other people today

Dear T,

You did give some empathy, so thanks. And I feel we had a (mostly) good discussion about the fish. I do think that talking to R first helped me.

And your comment at the end re: in person vs. virtual Friday, depending on how I'm feeling. That I only need to let you know if it's virtual. Your "But I'm sure you'll let me know either way" is one of those comments that if I read it in an email/text, might feel like you were annoyed. But you were smiling when you said it, so instead, it felt more affectionate, or at least accepting.

Love,
LT

So you just aren't going to respond tonight? That was a pretty serious email.

Why haven't you offered me a regular time at your office in town? It's infinitely easier for me to get there than to trek to your house in the middle of nowhere. I mean, I really like your set up in the woods and I wouldn't want to miss out on it, but I also want a slot at your office. And on Zoom. And sometimes twice a week and sometimes every other week. And I want you to reduce your fee and I want you to dress differently. Also, you must stop your affectation with the glottal stop. Tea made on the fire would be nice and there's nothing to stop you offering homemade tablet either. You should be lighting the candles every week not just when it suits you, but I do appreciate that they are beeswax. Anyway, despite all these imperfections and shortcomings, I am really looking forward to today.

I don't know where you wandered off to, but I left my house today in shorts and a T shirt which is a big deal considering I wouldn't leave my house at all without my denim jacket and jeans a couple weeks ago.

I wonder if your ok? You just ghosted me when I'm going through a lot. And you know people ditching me and not responding has been a big issue for me lately.

Thank you for the assurance that you will be there.

Dear T-

Thank you for offering that hug as I was leaving this morning. I find it hard to ask for one- especially after a challenging session or a long break between sessions.. like we've had recently. Your hugs are safe and grounding.

Twice a month feels workable now. I feel stronger and more confident in myself since reducing sessions. Strangely, it also seems like you're even more attuned and present when I do see you now? I didn't expect that outcome but I'm happy with it. Makes the sessions feel especially worthwhile and productive.

So the email ended up in your spam folder for some reason but we did discuss it and the second email from yesterday and whats been going on.

I wasn't feeling it today in therapy but I dealt with it. It wasn't you, I'm just tired of repeating myself and the same story and I was nauseated and I didn't like the way I looked on Zoom. I'm glad we ended a few minutes early.

I wish there was some way to do therapy through email or text instead of talking.

Ayyyyyy, thinking of letting you use that space you made for me for someone else/other things. I'm not going to be the needy, taxing client that you end your week with. I'm probably going to relocate out of the area soon anyway.

Dear T,

Please be kind in your reply. I opted to just look for reassurance--it should be pretty straightforward, like just what you said today without seeming like you were forced to say it under duress. I'm not trying to continue some sort of standoff, whatever this is.

I'm scared this could be the end of our relationship. I wish you could understand that what feels like control to you feels like safety/survival for me. Is a child crying because they're scared controlling to you? Well, perhaps you'd think so.

Yes, I know I'm not a child, but this is not coming from the rational, adult part of me. Even you said earlier this week that this seems to be paternal transference. Not sure what shifted so far in the wrong direction today when it seemed more OK then. Though honestly, you seemed a bit weird from when I walked in today, just your general body language. Maybe something else is going on unrelated to me that's put you on edge. Like the mold and now-fading illness are doing for me. And why were you wearing a shirt with your name on the back? That was a bit odd, too.

Love,
LT

Dear T,

Also, the fish was meant to honor our work together. It's not just about me. But the work. Our work. Plus, to honor the former living Fish, who had been a presence in the office.


Love,
LT

I had this dream where I was begging my pdoc to call my transference T to take me back.

I woke up from it not feeling that way. Just feeling some other stuff. I've told my current T I want to move back to my old state. She didn't seem offended but I didn't tell her that would mean not seeing her anymore.

Dear new T, am I too much already?

I wish you could have fixed me but I've come to understand that no one can maybe not even me. Sometimes I feel so utterly broken. Often I don't. But when I do, I feel very, very broken.

I mean for ****'s sake, why couldn't we have fixed me in 12 ****ing YEARS?!?!?!?!?! UGH!!

limited to 12 images bah. i want to fill the entire screen with them.

and shut up. i ****ing KNOW it's all my own damn fault.

**** **** **** **** **** **** ****!

I am so filled with self-hatred right now. And mad at you. It's not all my fault. You ****ed up too.

i wish i could just disappear

Dear T,

I just don't know. I really don't know. Can we get through this? Do I even want to, at this point?

And seriously, did you have to ask for the book back right then? Really? Maybe it has nothing to do with the fish, but...

Love,
LT

I may have over-reacted last night as a result of too much wine. Heh.

Dear CM,

Where are you??? Why haven't you called??? It's almost 5 and you said you'd call and we'd meet somewhere! This is why I can't fking deal with the BS they call "mental health treatment" because they make you feel like they can be your anchor and what do I get? An appointment with a new T that was cancelled and a CM that doesn't call when she says she will....Great introduction, local CMHC, good job.