Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Mountaindewed · Apr 02, 2024 at 05:25 PM

It was also nice that I could tell you I was

Possible trigger:

suicidal

the other night and know you wouldn't freak out about it and talk about IP or IOP.

velcro003 · Apr 02, 2024 at 07:31 PM

I can't believe I shared that, even if it meant you left the room when you read it. thank you for being you, and giving me the extra time to calm down some. I'm sorry you left so late! I don't know how I am going to deal with what I shared, but for right now, I am not ashamed or scared that I told you. That is progress, even if temporarily. Especially with the subject matter. I truly believe we were meant to work with each other.

Elio · Apr 02, 2024 at 07:56 PM

I started to let some of the anger out in today's session. Granted he said the really wrong thing... he said never - that you could never see me/contact me; that Psychiatrists are held to a higher standard. I called BS on that because it can't be a never because there are communities that are too small that never talk to a previous patient would be near impossible. He finally agreed that you wouldn't lose your license if you were to contact me.

But... the truth is... that it's not an issue of losing license... it's a truth of you have no liability.. it's one of money. I didn't say that to him. You guys can phrase it however you want to make yourself feel better. But the bottom line is since you do not have a private practice anymore ... you don't have private liability insurance either... and ... that's the bottom line. Or the one I believe right now (subject to change).

LostOnTheTrail · Apr 03, 2024 at 12:36 PM

My spiritual life has been bound up with grief for nearly 20 years now.
We'll talk about how it's showing up currently tomorrow, but 17 years ago today the strangest journey began.

❤️🙏

LostOnTheTrail · Apr 04, 2024 at 11:27 AM

Thanks for sticking up for Emotional Lost.
She's been...heavily impacted by the last few years, and is still trying to figure out how to share publicly.

ArtieTheSequal · Apr 04, 2024 at 03:50 PM

(no Artie, just STOP IT, leave it the f alone!)

Mountaindewed · Apr 04, 2024 at 04:35 PM

I think my old therapist could possibly be at the grocery store. She said shes seen me there before around this time. I don't know too many people around here but the people I do know I defiently don't want to run into.

LostOnTheTrail · Apr 04, 2024 at 04:53 PM

One of my favourite podcasts introduced me to the concept of 'grief bombs' - basically the same as triggers, but amplified even more.

Just discovered Ethan Hawke's 'Black Album', which reimagines an album The Beatles might have made if they hadn't split up.

'My Sweet Lord' is the second track, and I can't listen to that song properly these days.

So I was reminded of

'The meaning has changed now.'

Only you'll arrive at your own made end
With no-one but yourself to be offended...

Ouch.

Mountaindewed · Apr 04, 2024 at 11:36 PM

I'm pretty sure I'm having unusual thoughts and urges. Like wanting to message my transference therapist and stuff like that. And thinking stuff I've never thought before of myself. I'm guessing its wellbutrin related. I'm not sure but I'm guessing it could be.

That was right around 11 on Sunday when I had that mini freak out. So it could be unrelated too. Why Is everything a **** show lately.

darkestpart · Apr 05, 2024 at 02:55 PM

hi t,

i’m a little thrown off by that political rant. where did that come from?

me

LonesomeTonight · Apr 05, 2024 at 03:17 PM

Dear T,

Well, that brought out some paternal transference today. if he finds anything before I leave for session. In part your broad praise of my writing. But more your questioning why, instead of just focusing on the positive with working on the memoir, I had to bring up the negatives, too. I think if this were a couple years ago, I might have been offended or upset.

But, you're right. Why can't I celebrate this victory, that I've been focusing on something positive that's important to me. Instead of getting down on myself about not exercising more? I think it's about message from childhood. About being perfect, so one good thing is nowhere near that. and my own self-esteem issues (well, I guess those were planted during childhood).

I also think some of this is struggling to take the praise from you. As much as I crave praise and approval, it's difficult for me to accept.

Love,
LT

ArtieTheSequal · Apr 05, 2024 at 04:41 PM

7 weeks, $980 saved now. Good heavens, woman, I paid you a LOT of money. Yeesh! I mean what in the h e double hockey sticks was I thinking?! Oh, right, I wasn't; I was under some kind of cult-like spell or something for the past couple of years. I'm not completely blaming you for that though. I had a hand in weaving it too, I think.

Mountaindewed · Apr 06, 2024 at 09:51 AM

I used that coping skill all last night and I got the best nights sleep in weeks. I'm not sure how to tell you my sleep was better without mentioning this thing.

LostOnTheTrail · Apr 09, 2024 at 03:17 PM

How can I spend so much time in need of having a conversation, and yet be unable to find the words?

Mountaindewed · Apr 09, 2024 at 07:36 PM

Maybe you actually thought I was doing well on just 75mil of Lamictal and why you only prescribed a low dose of Prestiq. I'm just glad you did. I was more talkative today. Despite starting to puke my guts out after. But thats not your area.

Mountaindewed · 03:28 PM

I just threw up half an hour before we were supposed to meet so it is good I cancelled completly today.

It was 4 more tmes during our entire session length. So yeah today was a good day not to do a session.

LostOnTheTrail · Apr 11, 2024 at 04:56 PM

My connection with Steve was a powerful thing to have, and a hell of a thing to lose.

'Falling into grief is like falling in love, only you keep falling.
You are unaware of what they were carrying for you.'

- David Whyte

LonesomeTonight · Apr 12, 2024 at 04:57 PM

Dear T,

I'm glad it's OK to go to the dark places with you. That you explicitly said that. Though I sort of wish I'd gone there earlier in the session, as I felt I had to resurface sooner than I was ready. But maybe we can continue parts of that discussion next week.

Love,
LT

ArtieTheSequal · Apr 12, 2024 at 07:33 PM

$1,120.00

LonesomeTonight · Apr 13, 2024 at 08:58 AM

Dear T,

OK, I have figured out a productive way to deal with my existential angst (well, besides writing), so we'll see how that goes tomorrow. Figured I'll ease in with a Zoom service at the closer Unitarian Universalist place (I think the other is only in person, plus it's further away--but I could try that one later if this doesn't seem like the right fit). The sermon is due to be about awe and splendor in the world, which is maybe what I need to hear right now.

And maybe I'll go for a short, windy walk later. Suppose I could have thought about all this before emailing you last night, but hey, I'm coming up with it now. And I find it interesting that I found your email to be helpful, when something similar you said a few years ago didn't feel useful. Maybe it shows some sort of progress or shift in my mindset? Or maybe in this case, I felt alone in this struggle, so it helped to hear how it's so common. (I imagine maybe you've struggled with it, too.) Something else to address Monday, I suppose.

Love you,
LT

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

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Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 38,807 (SuperPoster!) 8 9,772 hugs given	Apr 02, 2024 at 05:25 PM #461 It was also nice that I could tell you I was Possible trigger: suicidal the other night and know you wouldn't freak out about it and talk about IP or IOP. __________________ I'm Blue

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert of my soul Posts: 7,605 (SuperPoster!) 4 6,018 hugs given	Apr 04, 2024 at 03:50 PM #466 (no Artie, just STOP IT, leave it the f alone!)

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 38,807 (SuperPoster!) 8 9,772 hugs given	Apr 04, 2024 at 04:35 PM #467 I think my old therapist could possibly be at the grocery store. She said shes seen me there before around this time. I don't know too many people around here but the people I do know I defiently don't want to run into. __________________ I'm Blue

darkestpart Member Member Since May 2017 Location: US Posts: 81 7 2 hugs given	Apr 05, 2024 at 02:55 PM #470 hi t, i’m a little thrown off by that political rant. where did that come from? me __________________ Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert of my soul Posts: 7,605 (SuperPoster!) 4 6,018 hugs given	Apr 05, 2024 at 04:41 PM #472 7 weeks, $980 saved now. Good heavens, woman, I paid you a LOT of money. Yeesh! I mean what in the h e double hockey sticks was I thinking?! Oh, right, I wasn't; I was under some kind of cult-like spell or something for the past couple of years. I'm not completely blaming you for that though. I had a hand in weaving it too, I think.

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 38,807 (SuperPoster!) 8 9,772 hugs given	Apr 06, 2024 at 09:51 AM #473 I used that coping skill all last night and I got the best nights sleep in weeks. I'm not sure how to tell you my sleep was better without mentioning this thing. __________________ I'm Blue

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 38,807 (SuperPoster!) 8 9,772 hugs given	Apr 09, 2024 at 07:36 PM #475 Maybe you actually thought I was doing well on just 75mil of Lamictal and why you only prescribed a low dose of Prestiq. I'm just glad you did. I was more talkative today. Despite starting to puke my guts out after. But thats not your area. __________________ I'm Blue

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 38,807 (SuperPoster!) 8 9,772 hugs given	Apr 11, 2024 at 01:46 PM #476 I just threw up half an hour before we were supposed to meet so it is good I cancelled completly today. It was 4 more tmes during our entire session length. So yeah today was a good day not to do a session. __________________ I'm Blue Last edited by Mountaindewed; Apr 11, 2024 at 03:28 PM..

LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 21,618 (SuperPoster!) 9 76.2k hugs given	Apr 12, 2024 at 04:57 PM #478 Dear T, I'm glad it's OK to go to the dark places with you. That you explicitly said that. Though I sort of wish I'd gone there earlier in the session, as I felt I had to resurface sooner than I was ready. But maybe we can continue parts of that discussion next week. Love, LT

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert of my soul Posts: 7,605 (SuperPoster!) 4 6,018 hugs given	Apr 12, 2024 at 07:33 PM #479 $1,120.00