Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Feeling raw and exhausted.

I haven't had a session like that in a very long time.

Soooo, this morning I thought I’d spend forever traveling around the country, but my partner just asked me if I’d consider moving in with them and their roommate. Didn’t say this, but I had a complete lack of feelings toward them for a couple days, but I just had a call with them and omg the love is back. I have to go back so I guess I will see you Wednesday.

Dear T,

OK, I think I need to talk to you more about possibly seeing you with your wife. As I had a dream last night where I was at your house, along with H and D. And your wife kissed you on the lips a couple times, seeming possessively, though by the end, she and I were chatting like friends. Your son was also there (plus a few random relatives--it was like they were vetting me), but he was much younger than in real life, and I called him by a different name. But clearly, it's still on my mind.

Though I have plenty of other stuff from outside life to talk about, too, so probably don't want to spend *too* long on it.

Love,
LT

Dear T,

I just feel really sad/depressed (maybe more). I don't know if it's about the conversation with H last night, getting rid of so much stuff in the house (including stuff I've had for more than 20 years), something from seeing you outside Friday, the semi-related dream last night, the usual concert letdown I tend to have, concerns about H's possible surgery, guilt, something else, or some mix of those things. Or maybe it's partly that I'm tired. Hopefully, I can figure some of it out either before or during our session tomorrow.

Love,
LT

I googled my transference therapist and I didn't have a meltdown. Is a probiotic a magic pill or something? I know physical health goes with mental health.

Three more sleeps.

I'm looking forward to not having to defend the way that I'm feeling.

Dear T,

I think that discussion went relatively well. And I'm glad you realize how talking about the therapeutic relationship lately has led to a lot of other important discussions. I feel the discussion about stuff with my H in the second half of session was really helpful, too.

I had a good insight while running errands after session regarding what I think I saw Friday. Though I suppose it's sort of obvious, in retrospect. I want to know you better, and I likely saw the person who presumably knows you the best. Will share Wednesday (suppressing the urge to email you like, "ooh, ooh, this is what it's about!"). I mean, I'm sure it's also the fact that I accidentally got "inside your boundaries," to use your words. But then you're "putting up walls" in response.

Love,
LT

I kinda want to go back in person. Maybe I can talk about it with you tommorow.

Also sorry about the fruit roll up/gushers dinner. I was lazy.

Thank you for reassuring me that you are there, and that I do not have to hold it together.

It is getting more difficult to do so, even as it becomes more necessary.

You want me back in person and you said you thought of me yesterday and were wondering if I wanted to come back. Its funny how much I wanted my transference T to go back into person. I said I'd be there next week.

Dear T,

I'm sitting here, crying about a couch. I know it's not literally the couch, but what it symbolizes. You're taking away my literal seat, before I'm ready. I imagine it's about loss of control, feeling powerless. I hope you can move a chair near to where I sit on it, like you said.

I did feel very connected at times today, which meant a lot. Including the whole process of my taking photos and the chatting and joking during that. And when you seemed emotional when I was talking about D at the end. I know you care, probably pretty deeply. And that's very meaningful to me. The boundaries, the lack of control, the not knowing you like I wish I could--like we discussed today--that's all just very hard. I'm trying my best to appreciate what I do have with you.

Love,
LT

Dear T,

OK, I got through that long wave of sadness. I think I know what's going on, that it's also maybe about my car being gone through. Feeling like my safe spaces are no longer safe. And I'm thinking of the connection that was there today, the support, the caring And that you'll still have a seat for me, even if it's not my usual one. At least we'll be in the same room, which we weren't for such a long time during the pandemic (2 years, aside from those 3 weeks in summer 2021). I am trying to hold onto all of that. I want to appreciate and honor what we did have today. Instead of emailing or asking you for an earlier session.

Love you,
LT

Dear T,

OK, this should have been glaringly obvious to me. But what did we just get rid of earlier this month in my house? The couch and loveseat I've had since I was 23. I knew they had to go. But I've had them more than half my life. And then, unexpectedly, I had to get rid of the nightstand that I've had just as long. Only that's a bit *more* special to me because I picked it out. When the couch/loveseat were hand-me-downs from my parents' friends. But they were all there through several phases of my life--being out on my own (and with various boyfriends, who all sat on the couch), then married, then a parent. Maybe this is partly my grieving those?

Love,
LT

Your reassurance over scheduling was much appreciated.

My routine is sacred to me, so of course it matters...and I think you understand that too.

I'll fill you in on the upshot of the helpline conversation next week...because I am having trouble with the sheer amount of support that I have put into place to help myself through this time.

I shouldn't need an extra session and a helpline check in...right?

What if I showed up tomorrow after microdosing with shrooms? Seriously considering it given my lack of really knowing what's going through my head other than "bad shyt." I do have a lot of insight into things and everything that has an effect has a cause, and I pretty much always see both parts. Maybe under a state of altered (improved maybe?) mental state, and with the help of y'all, I'll see a desire to produce positive effects with positive action. Maybe things will be clearer that the future is a thing that I should plan for being around for.

Maybe you won't appreciate me coming in after substance use. My last T surely didn't appreciate it, but that was me talking to her on phone appointments drunk af and just crying for the entirety of the session or cussing about people only wanting to hurt me. I don't know how microdosing will affect me. I've only done shrooms twice and they were both on top of mountains at night in the Whites while connecting with nature, the milky way, and my hiking partner. It obviously had no long term benefit other than really appreciating the "welcome to NH, don't MASS it up" T shirts

My pdoc today was all like "I'll raise your meds but you need to go back to therapy in person"

I mean I had already planned on it but virtual sessions are pretty productive too.

He can be a bit of an asshat on Thursday afternoons.

Asking for what I need is hard.
I don't understand why big things always happen in between sessions.

Now I have a scenario where my boss has just asked me whether I'm going on holiday, when I have tried to indicate my availability for a planning meeting.

The week they want to schedule is Anniversary Time.

If you cancel on me again today after I took practically the full week convincing myself I need to talk to you, I'm going to make an emergency call and tell you all about how much of a POS you are, you shouldn't be a therapist, and you've harmed me way more than you've helped by, like almost every other therapist I've seen, saying "I'll help you recover," but canceling practically every session, kicking me out when I say "I'm struggling, but I don't know how to explain what's going on with me," and when we actually have a full session, just emphasizing using coping skills. I've been fking coping my whole life. Sure, not always in the healthy ways, but I want to live life, not cope with it.

Dear T,
This is not okay. I can't be so attached to you and you don't care about me at all. I feel like a child sometimes because I rely on you so much. The fact that I can become so upset and anxious about missing 1 weekly session isn't normal. It's not healthy.
It's not a fair relationship. But it's not supposed to be one is it? It's just business.

Today has been draining.

I know I did the only thing I could, but I wish we could have talked about it as well.
You have more insight into my process around this than anyone else.

After I'd spent an hour on the phone with H, I felt guilty for taking up that much of her time.

We will discuss it on Thursday, of course.

You replied to my email today about my pdoc appointment and my medical procedure and then you also sent a meme and now I'm confused. I don't feel like responding because it is a holiday weekend.

And like also, don't you have friends you can send memes to instead of clients?

Dear T,

Still feeling positive about yesterday's session. Your remembering to move the chair meant a lot to me. And it felt surprisingly OK, if a little sad. It did help to know that you didn't expect the couch to go nearly that fast. And to know the date of the actual move.

Also to know that I'm the client who has probably spent the most time in the office over your 12-ish years there, despite Covid and that I didn't start seeing you until 2017. Makes me feel a bit special, I guess. And helps that you said it makes sense I'd be so affected by leaving the office. It now feels more like this is a change that we're going to work through together. Like we're on the same team. Hope it continues to feel that way (though I imagine it won't be a completely smooth couple months).

Love,
LT

I'm glad I didn't die before I met you.

Dear T,

That felt relaxed and connected. Maybe because it's a holiday and we were the only ones in the office (perhaps even the whole building, based on the parking lot). Though I probably know more now about how you manage your wardrobe than I wanted or needed to know! But it helped to know you had some lucky socks at one point that you were afraid to get rid of. And you gave me some useful guidance on how to view things like cleaning and organizing in a different light.

Of course I was a bit anxious when I got there, didn't see your car (or really, any cars), and the door was locked. Glad you arrived a minute later before the panic set in.

Love,
LT

I think instead of trying to verbalize where my head's at this week, I'm just going to write a bunch of quotes and print out some memes, hand it to you, and say "feels."

I'm kinda getting the gist of why healthy coping skills are a thing I should try and use. It's not about feeling better. It's about making it to the next day and using the time I'm not digging a hole to improve the overall quality of life.