Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

LostOnTheTrail · Jul 18, 2024 at 04:30 PM

I don't want to be frustrated with you.
I want to feel like I can trust you to 'hold' me when I can't hold myself.

The timing of all this couldn't be worse.

Understanding is neither a release nor a relief.

I'm trying out a new grief group on Sunday, and then I have the helpline call on Monday.

Just because I'm good at carrying things on my own, to paraphrase, that doesn't mean they're not heavy.

LonesomeTonight · Jul 19, 2024 at 03:03 PM

Dear T,

I've just felt sad since our session. I don't know why. I have a few ideas, from stuff that was discussed (or not discussed in session). Though maybe it's just that I miss you. And want things to just get back to normal again, but know it will likely be at least a couple weeks. I feel like maybe if I don't go to the beach next week, it will feel more normal this week, but then maybe not? Just wish I could go the week of the move...

I suppose maybe I wanted you to react in some positive way to my saying "I trust you," just something like, "I'm glad to hear that. But maybe I was looking for too much. There's other stuff it could have been, too, or maybe a mix of all several things. Also, I think I need to tell you that for future reference, if I'm really emotional and unsure what to say/talk about, work is pretty much never the way to go. My writing? Sure. But not work.

Oh, and safe travels. Of course, I forgot to say that.

Love,
LT

LostOnTheTrail · Jul 19, 2024 at 04:03 PM

I've written you a letter that I intend to burn in the morning.
So much of my emotional safety (a major need at the moment, whilst I'm exploring the depths of this loss) comes from sharing physical space.

I don't know why you can't see that.

LonesomeTonight · Jul 19, 2024 at 11:15 PM

Dear T,

Enjoyed the concert.

But I had this thought: Does your brain just self-erase stuff you seem to have learned? I just don't understand how I can have sessions where it's like, "Oh, you get it," or "Oh, you're accepting of this," then a week later, it's like you forgot it all. Maybe you were just in vacay mode today. I guess I'll see how it goes at next session. But it's just frustrating.

Love,
LT

LostOnTheTrail · Jul 20, 2024 at 05:33 AM

It's important to me that our next session doesn't have that 'end of year' heaviness to it.

I'm struggling with the fact that you've opted out of the conversation I need to have through going online over the summer.

LonesomeTonight · Jul 20, 2024 at 09:40 AM

Dear T,

It's so stupid that I wanted a "thanks" for that email, or just some acknowledgment, like a thumbs up. Maybe it irritated you and you don't want to encourage me. Or you don't want to feed the OCD part of me that feels I need to say "safe travels" when you're going to/returning from being away.

I don't think it would normally bother me so much, but I'm feeling very disconnected after that session. And this would be a terrible time to email about that. Likely pointless to ask for something tomorrow, as you might still be away and probably wouldn't have anything anyway. I'll do my best to hold it till Monday.

I guess a "thanks!" just would have made me feel marginally more connected. Maybe you're taking the day off looking at email today or something. Which I'd completely understand. I don't feel I can bring it up Monday because it's going to seem silly and/or annoying. Sigh.

Love,
LT

Mountaindewed · 03:35 PM

I'm stressed about some things which aren't helping my ulcers. I'm pretty sure stressing terribly about my transference T for almost 3 years wasn't helpful. I wish I could explain her to you without you possibly freaking out.

But I guess that feeling I"d get deep in my gut about her actually turned into a legit problem. Since thats where the ulcers are

LonesomeTonight · Jul 20, 2024 at 07:57 PM

Dear T,

Hope you're still alive and stuff.

Love,
LT

ScarletPimpernel · Jul 20, 2024 at 09:39 PM

L, I just want to be important too! I'm making a lot of sacrifices to allow you to meet your needs. This is just another way your needs are more important than mine. It hurts and it's hard.

LostOnTheTrail · Jul 21, 2024 at 01:27 AM

Ouch, Scarlet.

I feel that.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

LonesomeTonight · Jul 21, 2024 at 05:42 AM

Dear T,

I appreciated our little text exchange last night. Even though you didn't have any openings today--which I fully expected to be the case--you showed a lot of caring in your response. And I think that's what I really needed. And knowing you're not dead (though I really only started wondering that when it was 9 pm and you hadn't replied).

Love,
LT

Mountaindewed · Jul 21, 2024 at 09:56 AM

I had no idea when we were meeting next until I got our appointment reminder. I guess maybe I should keep track.

My mom says I am working better with you then I was with my transference T. I'm not needy with you like I was with her.

LostOnTheTrail · Jul 22, 2024 at 11:41 AM

Do you really understand how your choice to go online over the summer impacts me at this moment in time?

I'm not sure, and we've run out of time to talk about it.

LonesomeTonight · Jul 22, 2024 at 12:27 PM

Dear T,

That helped some today. I understand more now why you were reacting the way you did. And I appreciated your saying you were sorry I didn't feel connected. I did feel at least somewhat connected today. And the handshake and 'take care" felt nice.

Though I hate that you still are unsure of the move timeline and that it's likely to cancel at least one of my sessions. I appreciate that you'll let me know once you've figured it out.

Love,
LT

LonesomeTonight · 05:39 PM

Dear T,

Sorry for asking that, and I imagine the answer is no, but I just had a total OCD freakout about a probably ridiculous contamination thing. That freakout also scared D, and I feel really guilty and am hating myself right now. I just hope you aren't annoyed. You might think it's about something else that came up today that would fit in the category of "not related to the therapeutic relationship," but it's not.

Love,
LT

LonesomeTonight · Jul 22, 2024 at 06:20 PM

Dear T,

I assume the answer is no, or you'd have responded by now. And you're just trying to figure out how to word it. I miss the days when you had pretty regular availability, with a looser schedule...I imagine the move and your vacation are affecting things right now, too. Guess I was just spoiled.

Love,
LT

LonesomeTonight · Jul 22, 2024 at 07:10 PM

Or you'll have an opening. I appreciate your confirmation of old office with the winking smiley.

Love,
LT

LostOnTheTrail · Jul 23, 2024 at 04:50 AM

This is the hardest deadline I've ever dealt with.
I'm wondering whether I should tell you how much the last week has asked of me, while I know it won't change anything.

Your calm in the face of this is almost insulting.

Mountaindewed · Jul 23, 2024 at 12:33 PM

It bugged me that you called me your patient so I finally asked why you sometimes called me your patient and sometimes your client and you said "I do it interchangeably." And I replied "I thought it was an inside joke." Because I legit thought it was a joke among the therapists because why tf would I be called your patient?

LonesomeTonight · Jul 24, 2024 at 02:52 PM

Dear T,

You were certainly chatty today! I probably should have pushed to talk more about the OCD stuff, or maybe stopped you when you were talking about the things with your sport, but it was OK. It felt like you wanted to share, and I was curious. And I wasn't fully in the mood to continue yesterday's discussion today anyway, even though I said I wanted to at the end of that session. Maybe Friday? And I do think we hit on some interesting/important stuff in the last 15 minutes or so.

I also felt a bit thrown off when I learned early in session that the move plans shifted by a day, too. Glad you can see me Sunday, even if I was unsure whether I should still meet three times after an extra session this week (as I justified that thinking it would only be twice next week). But then, Sunday would probably be the last in-person session for a bit for assorted reasons. So I'd rather have that. And good to know you probably won't disassemble the office before then.

We'll see how I do saying good-bye to it a second time (that sounds like some sort of song).

Love,
LT

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

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LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 21,482 (SuperPoster!) 9 75.9k hugs given	Jul 20, 2024 at 07:57 PM #728 Dear T, Hope you're still alive and stuff. Love, LT
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ScarletPimpernel Wise Elder Member Since Nov 2013 Location: US Posts: 8,627 (SuperPoster!) 10 6,997 hugs given	Jul 20, 2024 at 09:39 PM #729 L, I just want to be important too! I'm making a lot of sacrifices to allow you to meet your needs. This is just another way your needs are more important than mine. It hurts and it's hard. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica
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LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 21,482 (SuperPoster!) 9 75.9k hugs given	Jul 21, 2024 at 05:42 AM #731 Dear T, I appreciated our little text exchange last night. Even though you didn't have any openings today--which I fully expected to be the case--you showed a lot of caring in your response. And I think that's what I really needed. And knowing you're not dead (though I really only started wondering that when it was 9 pm and you hadn't replied). Love, LT
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Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 38,091 (SuperPoster!) 8 9,430 hugs given	Jul 21, 2024 at 09:56 AM #732 I had no idea when we were meeting next until I got our appointment reminder. I guess maybe I should keep track. My mom says I am working better with you then I was with my transference T. I'm not needy with you like I was with her.
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LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 21,482 (SuperPoster!) 9 75.9k hugs given	Jul 22, 2024 at 06:20 PM #736 Dear T, I assume the answer is no, or you'd have responded by now. And you're just trying to figure out how to word it. I miss the days when you had pretty regular availability, with a looser schedule...I imagine the move and your vacation are affecting things right now, too. Guess I was just spoiled. Love, LT
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LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 21,482 (SuperPoster!) 9 75.9k hugs given	Jul 22, 2024 at 07:10 PM #737 Or you'll have an opening. I appreciate your confirmation of old office with the winking smiley. Love, LT
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Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 38,091 (SuperPoster!) 8 9,430 hugs given	Jul 23, 2024 at 12:33 PM #739 It bugged me that you called me your patient so I finally asked why you sometimes called me your patient and sometimes your client and you said "I do it interchangeably." And I replied "I thought it was an inside joke." Because I legit thought it was a joke among the therapists because why tf would I be called your patient? __________________ I'm Blue
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