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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jun 2016
Location: Where the sidewalk ends
Posts: 38,828
(SuperPoster!)
8 9,784 hugs
given 
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Jul 30, 2024 at 11:51 AM
#761
Your the first therapist whos garbage can I've actually had to use. I've had plenty of therapists offer when I've gotten nauseated, but I've never needed to until today. I'm at home lying down now. I'll probably shoot you an email tommorow or Thursday. I know you weren't mad, but it was awkward.
__________________ I'm Blue |
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 LonesomeTonight
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 21,623
(SuperPoster!)
9 76.2k hugs
given
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Jul 30, 2024 at 04:13 PM
#762
Dear T,
I don't want to leave, but maybe I have to. I don't know. How did it end up like this? I just wanted a session with R while you were unavailable... LT |
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| Lemoncake
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Monster on the Hill
Member Since Sep 2020
Location: by the river
Posts: 5,551
(SuperPoster!)
4 6,481 hugs
given
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Jul 30, 2024 at 07:06 PM
#763
Dear T,
I know you. I see you. Fccking hell, man. You said whatever you said about it being hard to have double bipolar/BPD, but what about us folks that have done enough hard drugs that they don't need hard emotions and episodes that make them feel like unbearable suffering is all of life and question that DBT statement that "despite the pain, life is worth living." ? Dude, I canceled so I can spend the day sipping on the bottle and maybe...idk...but not seeing you again and quiting treatment, sorta. __________________ [Insert thought-provoking and comedic quote here] |
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| LonesomeTonight, unaluna
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 21,623
(SuperPoster!)
9 76.2k hugs
given
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Jul 30, 2024 at 08:01 PM
#764
Dear T,
I just keep thinking of how you didn't check on my mental well-being during our phone call. Like, asking if I was OK, if I was safe. Talking about things that could help me. Anything like that. Your whole priority was about R. I think I do need to talk about that. I'm sure you'll say you cared and that's part of why you called, but it didn't really feel like it. I'm there sobbing and your priority is about whether I see R at some point when you're not on vacation. Is that the most important thing to you? Or is it my welfare? I certainly hope it's the latter. LT |
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| Lemoncake, ScarletPimpernel
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 21,623
(SuperPoster!)
9 76.2k hugs
given
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Jul 30, 2024 at 08:31 PM
#765
Dear R,
I appreciated your warm confirmation of our session tomorrow. I hope it's helpful. And also that it's not the last session I get to have with you...I think I'll at least get the Friday before Labor Day, because Dr. T is actually on vacation then? And you have availability? I really hope you're still willing to see me. I mean, assuming I'm still seeing him then. Or either way, really. Love, LT |
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| Lemoncake, ScarletPimpernel
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 21,623
(SuperPoster!)
9 76.2k hugs
given
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Jul 31, 2024 at 12:45 AM
#766
Dear T,
I'm just hurting so much....I should have just left you ages ago, I guess. LT |
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| Lemoncake, LostOnTheTrail, ScarletPimpernel
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Human Feeling
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 5,458
13 3,541 hugs
given
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Jul 31, 2024 at 09:03 AM
#767
Hi R,
Well, the last couple of weeks have felt like a race to the last session. That end of year energy is hanging around, even though it's not. The fact that we had to talk about how to navigate this virtual time meant that I couldn't make the best use of our last two face to face sessions for me. Now I'm in a position where I'm talking at length to other people about this, and I'm going to have to catch you up eventually...isn't that weird? It feels weird to me. I wish I could say I am looking forward to seeing you...but this is a different conversation, that I didn't intend to have.... Lost __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
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| LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 21,623
(SuperPoster!)
9 76.2k hugs
given
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Aug 01, 2024 at 12:19 PM
#768
Dear T,
**** you. I'm allowed to express anger. As things go, that wasn't even that harsh. And a bonus **** you for some of that other stuff. Also, I guess I should consider myself lucky that my parents would probably be there to support me even if they're moving. And my friends, too. And I'd do the same for them. Without complaining about it. --LT |
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| InkyBooky, Lemoncake, LostOnTheTrail, ScarletPimpernel
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Human Feeling
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 5,458
13 3,541 hugs
given
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Aug 01, 2024 at 01:13 PM
#769
I resent having to hold the totality of my present experience in your absence.
Composing an email involves putting what I'm feeling into words, and that is really hard when it's so emotionally charged. __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
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| LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel
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Roses are falling.
Member Since May 2017
Location: Seattle.
Posts: 9,963
(SuperPoster!)
7 10.5k hugs
given
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Aug 01, 2024 at 01:43 PM
#770
I haven’t slept properly since the 5th of July.
Friendship breakdown
Possible trigger:
__________________ 
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| LonesomeTonight, unaluna
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 21,623
(SuperPoster!)
9 76.2k hugs
given
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Aug 01, 2024 at 08:28 PM
#771
Dear T,
Can we work through this? I don't know. I need you to want to try. Which means being less defensive. And I can be less defensive, too. We both need to listen to each other and show compassion. I feel you didn't do enough of that today, but I think I didn't do enough of it either. I just don't want to end this way. There was a moment I saw the caring in your eyes. It may not be enough. But it gave me a glimmer of hope. I'd at least like to say good-bye in person, if nothing else. And maybe discuss our work together. Instead of ending with both of us rather annoyed at the other. Can't you at least help me with a good ending to the memoir? (I'm only partly kidding.) Even if it's ultimately me realizing I've reached the end of the road with you, at least for now, and needing to try someone/something else. Love, LT Last edited by LonesomeTonight; Aug 01, 2024 at 08:54 PM.. Reason: changed mind |
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| ScarletPimpernel
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Inner Space Traveler
Member Since May 2014
Location: on the wing of an eagle
Posts: 3,892
10 8,164 hugs
given
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Aug 01, 2024 at 10:51 PM
#772
Dear T,
You’ve been gone on vacation x amount of days. You have many more days of vacation left… …and I’m just fine. Isn’t one of our goals in therapy…to use the tools we’ve learned, get through it…and be fine? Eventually, I know, I will come across a situation I will want to bounce off you and receive feedback. In the meantime, I’m following your suggestion to ‘look for the small joys’. But today, I’m ok. And it’s kind of nice. Pre |
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| LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel
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Wise Elder
Member Since Nov 2013
Location: US
Posts: 8,744
(SuperPoster!)
11 7,267 hugs
given
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Aug 01, 2024 at 11:04 PM
#773
L,
I know you're a therapist, my therapist, but I really wish I wasn't so reactive with you. I wish my BPD was more under control. I know you say that therapy is the right place for these things. I just feel like I'm holding you to such a high standard. I need to let you be human. "Perfectly imperfect." I'm sorry for being so hard on you. I'm sorry if I hurt you. I try so hard to be good. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
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| LonesomeTonight, precaryous
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Human Feeling
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 5,458
13 3,541 hugs
given
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Aug 02, 2024 at 06:44 AM
#774
I'm finding solace in this song lately.
'It's coming and it's gonna be a long night...' __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
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| LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 21,623
(SuperPoster!)
9 76.2k hugs
given
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Aug 02, 2024 at 07:15 AM
#775
Dear T,
You response meant a lot. Thank you. Though I wish you could have just expressed all that yesterday in session. Love, LT |
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| LostOnTheTrail, precaryous, ScarletPimpernel
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Monster on the Hill
Member Since Sep 2020
Location: by the river
Posts: 5,551
(SuperPoster!)
4 6,481 hugs
given
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Aug 02, 2024 at 07:55 PM
#776
Do you wait for people to tell you I'm going off the rails to take time off?
I'm taking time off the rails to tell you to wait. On the side of the tracks. And I'll be like the T because of the constant breakdowns and all the colorful lines because we are all made up of colors and YOU MY MA'AM ARE A RAINBOW OF GREEN, BUT LIKE A REGURTIATED SPINACH GREEN! __________________ [Insert thought-provoking and comedic quote here] |
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| LonesomeTonight, LostOnTheTrail
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Human Feeling
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 5,458
13 3,541 hugs
given
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Aug 03, 2024 at 03:54 PM
#777
Going back to the SL forum Zoom group tomorrow.
I have no idea how I'm going to find words, or whether it will just be a complete waste of time. Some things are best talked about one to one, face to face....you know this. __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
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| LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jun 2016
Location: Where the sidewalk ends
Posts: 38,828
(SuperPoster!)
8 9,784 hugs
given
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Aug 03, 2024 at 04:28 PM
#778
My grandma tragically died in an accident when I was 15 and I have never mentioned it to any therapist or pdoc after the one I was working with at the time. I mean, they have their secrets.
__________________ I'm Blue |
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| LonesomeTonight
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 21,623
(SuperPoster!)
9 76.2k hugs
given
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Aug 03, 2024 at 07:23 PM
#779
Dear T,
Guess I wasn't wrong about not going to get support from H the other night. See, I can read things correctly some of the time. Wish I had been wrong about this one, though. Love, LT |
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| LostOnTheTrail, ScarletPimpernel
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Human Feeling
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 5,458
13 3,541 hugs
given
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Aug 05, 2024 at 06:43 AM
#780
The Zoom group was a good opportunity to connect with other survivors, but if I am actually going to talk about what I'm going through, it needs to be one-to-one.
No group can hold what I'm experiencing these days. __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
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| LonesomeTonight, ScarletPimpernel, unaluna
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