Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

And, I freaking forgot to tell you I got a sponsor finally. Oh well. I'll tell you when we meet again in 2 weeks.

Dear T,
I think I made the right decision in not going today? I mean, i wish I could have talked to you more about D's appointment tomorrow. But the stuff with H seeming rather dubious about it didn't really come up till this evening anyway. And I'd already discussed it some with you.

I think I just sort of needed to give my brain a break from therapy and let all that we talked about settle. Instead of adding more to the mix (and potentially going in a bad direction). I felt OK about our discussion when I left yesterday, and that seemed to last--though I do appreciate the few extra hours to decide about today. I assume you realized that was me needing time to make sure there were no grenades.

And this seems so silly, but I'm glad you replied to my "have a nice weekend" text in kind after the exchange about taking today off your schedule. We usually wish each other a nice weekend, and it felt weird not doing that. (You probably thought I'd come in though?) I guess I just wanted something beyond "no problem." (Even like "No problem, see you Monday.") I know that's just how you can be over text at times, and you may have been replying in the midst between clients or as you were heading out the door. But those little niceties can help me not be concerned you're annoyed that I asked for extra time and ended up canceling.

Love,
LT

Dear Dr. S - so I wrote you... 3 weeks is a good amount of time between emails. Your reply this time felt more - felt better. I forgot to tell some things. Maybe it's ok that I didn't. You didn't directly answer my question and I think you did answer it indirectly. If I was truly living each day in the present, I would email you more often.

Dr. H - if we are to connect you are going to have to give me more time. It's just that simple.

Dr. P - part of me is goodbye and good ridden; part of me still wonders what working with you would have been like in the end. Your strictness and general energy doesn't sit well with me even though Dr. S. says you are kind and smart. I did not find you compassionate even when you tried to be.

Dr. D (pDoc) - you know I'm kind of letting you go. I'm not sure you realize it.

OT - I miss you. Your lack of a response has been very annoying and disappointing.

My energy levels and moods and anxiety and depression have improved and I've been doing all the intuitive stuff we have been talking about. I know my vitamin D levels were pretty low but the vitamin pills made me sick. So my doctor told me to drink milk instead. I've been drinking a glass or 2 of almond or oat milk a day and I'm wondering if my level is rising and thats why I'm feeling better.

Dear T,

Interesting how I was in panic attack mode basically until the moment H and D left...then I was totally fine and talked to Dr. H for another 90 minutes. Perhaps it was a hormonal hot flash or from the Nurtec, but I suspect it was at least partly the tension in the room--D not wanting to be there and H probably not wanting to be there either.

I feel like I did something to advocate for D's well-being today. Will any of these tests reveal anything, where treating it/them could make a difference in how she's feeling and functioning? Who knows. (Though I can't believe she doesn't have some sort of nutrient deficiency from her diet, if nothing else.) But at least I'll feel that I've tried...

Felt a little sad being in your waiting room but not seeing you. Looking forward to filling you in Monday.

Love,
LT

I'm so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so sorry I don't remember a ****ing thing we talked about in therapy
I want to talk to on call so badly right now but n o one's answering and they just say to call NH rapid response but there's a 30+ minute wait. for them and I c an't wait that long I justt wanna sleep and I could be if you didn't **** UP MYU FUCJIOGPFDJ KZV DKAVJDF ,C./,MJIO;AERFX/,..LFSZ/M. DS

sometimes i want to keep doing this work with you forever, and sometimes it all just feels so hopeless like 'what's the point'. this morning i am feeling the latter. i'm nervous as hell about Tuesday morning and I ****ed everything up and didn't get the support from you that I'd wanted/needed and it's my own damn fault because i didn't ASK for what i needed. stupid artie, stupid.

eta: it's also really odd to have such absolute opposite feelings about Friday's session. The beginning sucked eggs, but we got through it and the rest of it was good. Really good, at the end. Although I admit there IS a teeny little part of me that felt that the way you read that last dream was to punish me by making fun of it to retaliate for what I said when I first got there - but most of me knows that's totally ridiculous. You respect dreams too much to ever make fun of someone else's. Besides I could see the humor in it too after our previous conversation! It really was funny.

Although I think my dream-maker is a little peeved that we laughed on Friday. I didn't remember any dreams from last night... I'm going to light a candle tonight before I go to sleep and do a little ritual to honor my dreams, as I really want them to continue. They've been so full of good information the last few weeks...

I am calm.
This is why I like drugs.
What have you done for me lately?

Dear T,

I hate how anxious I get hearing about serious accidents in our general area. I hope you and your family are OK. This is clearly a paternal/maternal transference thing for me, but I feel awkward talking about it.

Love,
LT

i hope we can help prioritize what to talk about tomorrow. too much. i’m sure last night’s breakdown should probably be high on the list.

J,
How do I get the cajones to say "yes, sign me up for PHP"? I know I need a higher level of care. But I looked up the schedule and 3 SNACK/MEAL TIMES IN 6 HOURS???????????

how on earth have you put up with me for so long? i mean i seriously want to ask you that.

Dear T,

You seemed off today, tired, and a bit distracted maybe. Hopefully not sick (beyond a minor cold or something) or dealing with something bad in your outside life.

What's interesting right now is that I'm assuming it's not about me. Yes, I asked about the canceling of Friday's session, that I hope that didn't bother you, but that was early in session, before I noticed your being more off. And I accepted/believed your answer. I'm not sitting here thinking, "You are probably actually annoyed with me and didn't want to say it." Or "Maybe you're bothered by some of the discussion Thursday." I definitely would have been doing that a year ago, probably even 6 months ago. So...progress?

Of course, I ust had the thought that it would be rather ironic if you actually *are* annoyed with me, the time that I'm assuming you're not! But that's really not the vibe I got. Just hope you're OK, whatever it is. And that you'll seem more like your usual self on Wednesday. As that would suggest it was a transient thing.

Love,
LT

Did you ever hear the song Only Hope from A Walk To Remember and think of me?

100% not. Artists we both like remind you of me when you hear them outside sessions. At least you told me one time you thought of me when a song came on

Dumb thought I had

tonight was really off. am i just really effed up right now? i mean, i am-but more like i am relying on you too much to help me. the healing needs to come within. sooooo…should i quit? because right now i want to.

Dear T,

Hm, I just had a thought of why I maybe felt somewhat dissatisfied about today's session (aside from your seeming distracted/distant/tired and not feeling particularly connected). In telling you how I had the panic attack/hot flash/medication reaction/whatever that was in Dr. H's office with H and D, stepped out, got the cold water, and came back in, then stayed after H and D left and talked to the doctor for another hour--I think I wanted you to say how good of a job I did handling that. Maybe even that you were proud of me. But you didn't.

Also that I talked to D about why she was upset after and managed to get her to go to her grandmother's after all. And still went out with H for a bit (even though I'd partly have been content to hibernate by myself and watch TV). And the next night, went out with friends we hadn't seen in a bit, when H seemed to be the one who didn't want to go.

But you know what? It doesn't matter whether you're proud of me or praise how I handled it. It matters that *I* feel that way. Maybe I actually needed for you not to say it in order to realize that?

I should probably actually share this with you next session. Hope you're OK and will be for that.

Love,
LT

of course you replied extremely quickly to the email i sent. and maybe i don’t really want to quit.

Dr. P

I know you'll be calling in an hour. I am not looking forward to it because after last appointment I am terrified of discussing ANYTHING with you. I knwo this is disrespetufl as fk, but I'm going to make sure I'm piss drunk when you call so I 100% do not remember shyt that we discuss, and maybe I'll be disinhibted enough to explain to you that it's complicated when you were raised that any attention was good attention but you didn't particularly enjoy being raped repeatedly

So pdoc I've been downplaying and you've let me. This is not a great start. Now my lies may catch up to me and I'm terrified. I want to self destruct and show you the true me. I see your notes and I know I successfully blinded you. I'm sorry. I don't like looking/ sounding crazy. I don't like admitting I need help but I do.