Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

tonight was really off. am i just really effed up right now? i mean, i am-but more like i am relying on you too much to help me. the healing needs to come within. sooooo…should i quit? because right now i want to.

Dear T,

Hm, I just had a thought of why I maybe felt somewhat dissatisfied about today's session (aside from your seeming distracted/distant/tired and not feeling particularly connected). In telling you how I had the panic attack/hot flash/medication reaction/whatever that was in Dr. H's office with H and D, stepped out, got the cold water, and came back in, then stayed after H and D left and talked to the doctor for another hour--I think I wanted you to say how good of a job I did handling that. Maybe even that you were proud of me. But you didn't.

Also that I talked to D about why she was upset after and managed to get her to go to her grandmother's after all. And still went out with H for a bit (even though I'd partly have been content to hibernate by myself and watch TV). And the next night, went out with friends we hadn't seen in a bit, when H seemed to be the one who didn't want to go.

But you know what? It doesn't matter whether you're proud of me or praise how I handled it. It matters that *I* feel that way. Maybe I actually needed for you not to say it in order to realize that?

I should probably actually share this with you next session. Hope you're OK and will be for that.

Love,
LT

of course you replied extremely quickly to the email i sent. and maybe i don’t really want to quit.

Dr. P

I know you'll be calling in an hour. I am not looking forward to it because after last appointment I am terrified of discussing ANYTHING with you. I knwo this is disrespetufl as fk, but I'm going to make sure I'm piss drunk when you call so I 100% do not remember shyt that we discuss, and maybe I'll be disinhibted enough to explain to you that it's complicated when you were raised that any attention was good attention but you didn't particularly enjoy being raped repeatedly

So pdoc I've been downplaying and you've let me. This is not a great start. Now my lies may catch up to me and I'm terrified. I want to self destruct and show you the true me. I see your notes and I know I successfully blinded you. I'm sorry. I don't like looking/ sounding crazy. I don't like admitting I need help but I do.

Dear T,

There was one of those moments today where it appeared that you wiped a tear and we just sort of looked at each for a moment. I wonder if that was your feeling sad about the pandemic's affect on me, on you, on people in general? Or possibly something unrelated, and my lamenting about its ripple effects just touched on something in you. I guess it doesn't matter. It felt like empathy, and empathy doesn't require an explanation or any words at all.

Love,
LT

Whole ACT team,

I'm not opening up anymore. From now on, I'm fine, sure I ate, sure I slept, no I haven't SH'd, no I haven't drank or used, yeah I'm safe.

Fking immortal...just not for long.

In an echo of an earlier session...thank you for showing me that you are not scared of helping me with this massive grief.

A dialogue will help me move through the feelings...I know you want to let me have my process, but being prompted to talk about what I'm experiencing helps on some level.

You aren't in my head, so you can't know...but I want to tell you.

I think I need to share this...unfiltered, as far as I can.

It doesn't matter, but I can't count.

It's not six years, it's seven.

Of course it was December 2016...because I left my last session with P, and then got my first email from you.

Thank you for your support, understanding and what I experience as deep caring.

T,
fk you, fk you, fk you!!! If I shared all my thoughts, this post would most certainly be deleted or at least edited heavily because I hope you burn. I am TRYING to focus on the part of me that wants to get better. TRYING. BUT I can't because I have no fking support beyond my case manager who is a little focused on finding me a place to live. I obviously can't do this own my own, and trust me I have tried, so I'm not even going to try anymore. Maybe in 15 days, if I'm even able to go to therapy at that point idk I might have killed myself by then, when I see you next, my meds will have kicked in and I won't be your most burdensome client ever.

You know what? I'm never showing up to another appointment with you again.

I'm just thinking of a similar funny meme I've seen on Facebok

Therapist: what thoughts keep you up at night?

Me: did Harold and Kumar ever make it to White Castle?

Therapist: wtf.

Dear T,
I may need to go into risky territory with you next week. No, not the love stuff. Maybe you'd prefer that? I don't know.

But I have that problem where I have a bit of information--the same information I've had for like 5 years, including your wife's posting in that group, nothing new. And I'm wondering whether some of your reaction to things I was talking about with D today is related to stuff that happened regarding your son.

I don't want to ask about what's going on with your son now (despite curiosity)--I want to make that clear--but I want to make sure you're aware of how what may have been your personal experience with similar things could be biasing your reactions to me in some ways. Like, am I pursuing similar things that your wife was--and you're reacting to how that affected her--when they didn't work out, maybe? Or were you on board at the time, and you were let down, so it's about that? Or maybe it's about something else--a friend, relative, client?

I feel like this particular elephant has been sitting patiently in the corner of the room for a long time, and now he's suddenly demanding attention. I just hope we can address that without any serious fallout, especially right before the holidays.

Love,
LT

I just have those typical Saturday feelings I get thinking of the life I left behind when I had to move.

Dear T,
Actually, it's probably best if I leave that aspect out of it. I can talk about my reaction to what you said and how I'm concerned you'll be going forward without referencing your wife or son. That is sort of the middle path, I think. And the safest one (ignoring is safe in one way, but could blow up later).
Love,
LT

I brought out the blue fruit Lipton tea. Kinda expired now but still has that same smell and taste and those memories.

My #2 most listened song on Spotify was Let Her Go. I just had this weird dream the other night and its that time of year.

Dr. S. - I know my thoughts are leaving to feelings that are coming from a place where everything is about me. Part of me knows, it has nothing really to do with me and oddly that doesn't hurt. And there's the part of it not being about me - that thinks that because it is not about me, I don't matter - never did. That brings up feelings of hurt and anger, loss and betrayal.

I think that part of me can't let go of it's impact on me.

Somewhere in there is the knowledge that me not mattering at all like 0% is a lie. Then does that mean, I didn't matter enough - I'm not enough - not worthy?

And I circle around back to thinking (knowing?) it not being about me - how a decision in your life shouldn't be about me. That I am and never was in your life in a way that I should play much of role in your life decisions. Not a decision like this.

Knowing with ones head is not the same as knowing with ones heart. Maybe that is the problem. What would knowing with my heart be like?

The thought of food caused me to panic today. Also showering. I haven't eaten much today or showered in days. I just need to snap out of it and get into it.

You want more children? I respect your choice, AND I need to take care of myself, too. I don't think I can go through more leaves. I'm sorry. Your life is changing and growing, and because I'm not a part of your life, I'm left behind. You can't even help me now that I don't have G. And I'm thinking it's best to end things now. Why re-attach just to say goodbye?

I took a shower today. And I ate in the morning. I got out of the house. Today wasn't bad regarding my anxiety.

The reason I don't want to meet with you again for a while is because you used to be there for me on the rare occasion that I needed your help outside of a paid session. For some reason, that has changed, and it's not meeting my needs. I need a break from you.

I know you don't believe in any session being wasted, but it's up to me to find the 'point' of the conversation.

The truth is I am finding it hard to weather the run down to Steve's birthday on top of the festiveness.

I think I am going to need you to move, too.

Dear T,
I went to the risky place with you, and it was...OK! I've felt a bit lighter since we talked about it. I really wish I'd just addressed it more at the time--even you said, "You've been holding onto this for 5 years?" Not that I shared that much about it. But I think I addressed it just enough that it doesn't feel like this big weight on me when certain things about D come up.

I really appreciated your "thanks for sharing" when I left. I guess it showed my trust in you and in the therapeutic relationship that we could talk about it. Even though I feared it causing a conflict. It probably would have 5 years ago, maybe even 3 years ago. But I think we both understand each other much better now. And you realized I wasn't prying (though like you said, I also said "I'm not trying to ask questions or pry" multiple times, so it was pretty clear!) I suspect 5 years ago, I *would* have been prying. And now I know that won't get me anywhere except for your being irritated with me and my feeling rejected (I just need to wait for your to randomly disclose things instead!) But you also seem to get why I need to at least mention it in passing. I think it showed your trust in me, too.

Hopefully, that particular little elephant in the room can sit comfortably now, just a piece of the decor.

Love,
LT

Hey. Well, I got nothin' for Friday, at least not at the moment. I know it's only Tuesday. No dreams (my dream-maker is apparently mad at us for laughing last week) and I did only a little bit of therapy-writing after last week and no more since. I suppose I should do something... I'm just not altogether enthused about therapy at the moment, for some reason. Ha, "for some reason" that's about lame. Of course, I know what's going on. I'm pulling away again. Like I always do.

Boo.

Well, I guess I know what we'll be talking about on Friday.

wow.. i’ve never had a therapist that asked me to meet her for a second session in a week. probably a good thing as i wrote you in the middle of a
huge anxiety/panic attack. ugh

I'd say your message was hard to wake up to...but I don't feel as though I slept last night.

Spent a lot of time trying to resolve technical issues with my computer I'd never encountered before.

In the end I had to hold the power button to shut it down, and it seems to be OK now.

No cancellation is good, but today especially sucks.

I'm hopeful that you might surprise me yet, but you need time to recover first.