Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

I did end up doing that session after she apologised and I felt like it was sincere.

One session every 4- 6 months seems to work for me. My last one was in April.

Three weeks no contact with my old friend, and I’m glad it ended after seeing the recent devastation.

I hope my pdoc doesnt get involved in the advil issue. Its not a mental health problem or med so he shouldnt get pissed.

Under normal circumstances, I have no doubt we would have spent time talking about today and helping me to prepare for it.

I didn't even mention it yesterday, and I'm not too keen on the idea of sending a check in email afterwards.

I'm finding it hard to feel safe with you to the degree that I need to at the moment.

Speak soon,

Lost

Maintaining connection in absence is very hard. I haven't missed you, meeting again feels very remote, I feel embarrassed about our previous session. What is the purpose of you? I can do work on my own so I wonder why I bother with trying to relate to you as well. Maybe it's just too hard for me. Like chilli flakes on a jalapeno in a Scotch Bonnet stew.

I wish i had had this when my longterm t asked me to say what "family" meant to me.

I feel like your telling my brothers therapist about some of the stuff we talk about. Why would he ask what my brother did with his dishes while my mom was gone if I didn't complain to you about it?

I swear theres a mole in the office.

Dear T,

Home safe, despite a bad panic attack shortly before the bridge--I think triggered by the Google Maps-warned backup and two-way traffic (which wasn't there a couple weeks ago). I pulled out all the stops, blasting cold air on my face, trying to drink water (though my throat was tight), trying to breathe through it, using the peppermint and calming oils I had with me, and clutching the stone (which I haven't used in recent bridge crossings). I also imagined you telling me "You can get through this" and "I believe in you." Which helped. I made it through.

I was tempted to take the pre-bridge exit to collect myself, but I had the pigs with me, and it was already a long drive (exacerbated by traffic). I felt it would be better to push through (though I know it would have been OK to take the exit if I hadn't felt safe to drive).

I had an insight about how I felt when I was leaving the condo today that I think is worth exploring with you. As it ties into feelings I've had with other things. And I might know what it's about, but we need to discuss that more.

Miss you. Glad I'm seeing you Sunday, but sad it will be just that and Tuesday, then you're away for a week (though I will see R once in there--well, and p-doc, but I see that being a stressful meeting, as it's been so long).

Love you,
LT

L, is there any possibility you might be open to another phone check-in? I'll try not to ask. But I might. Something happened this week that well, I don't think I can talk about with anybody else.

This letting go is very slow.

That’s not right. HIPAA is a huge deal and they should never talk about clients to other family member’s therapist about what you said unless someone was in danger. I’d be ticked!

I can't really tell her though unless I tell her stuff about my brother. Its like some therapists know thats how they can break HIPAA. Because it will backfire on the client.

I had a therapist block me on facebook and the only way I can talk about it is by telling on myself that I found out

I did talk to my current therapist about something I found out online about a former therapist and I had to lie when she asked how I knew

ugh. gross. my psych NP broke HIPAA and called me husband when i wasnt in danger and i let her know how i felt. its so serious bc its so ingrained inmy head about what i can and cannot do. i hate when people think the rules dont apply to them

I wish I could cancel. You'd think high blood pressure and puking and shoulder pain would make them more sympathetic

I'm beginning to think that paperwork I filled out was for some other job application, not my current role.

In other words, I haven't had this conversation yet.

Is it her or did I just eat the chicken too fast

The song Let Her Go was my top Spotfiy song last year cause I listened to it so much because it reminded me of my transference therapist.

But other therapists have freaked out when I've mentioned her.

Dear T,

Struggling to write an email to you. What do I want vs. what are you willing to give me? How was today's session such a mess? I really don't know what happened. I felt I threw you some softballs, and...yea, I'm not sure how to work that sports analogy. I'll just say that it went poorly. Nearly every topic. I wish I could have a do-over. Is this just what our relationship is? A mess? I don't know...

Love,
LT

So sorry, LT.

Hugs if wanted.

Dear T,

Any sort of supportive response would help. I just don't want to feel this way with you about to travel.

Love,

LT

Dear T,

And I'm really struggling...I mean, you're probably getting ready for your trip, for prominence in your sport, so I'm just an obstacle to that...


LT

i'm missing you today.