Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Thanks, Lost. I brought up stuff I shouldn't have right before vacation, but I still wish he'd handled that and other, unrelated stuff, better.

Dear T,

You probably wish I'd just terminate...that would make your professional life much easier. Maybe I'll do that when you're back, I don't know... Maybe it would be better for everyone. Would be much easier if I didn't love you...


Love,
LT

Maybe you'll just terminate with me...I'm sure you're irritated by the email.

Hugs, LT.

Thanks, Artie. Hugs back to you!

He did send a fairly supportive reply, including "I hope that you are also focusing on how I have no intention of ending our working relationship." So that helped. I see R on Friday, so I'm hoping she can give some support, too (I did email to ask if she had anything tomorrow--I have p-doc this afternoon, or I'd have asked about today, too).

Hope you're doing OK...thinking of you.

Hi R,

I've just been looking at my notes from the last session where we really talked about my lived experience of disability.

Comes to something when I feel as though I have to check to make sure I'm not repeating myself.

It doesn't look like we've had this conversation before, and goodness knows we need something to talk about...so that will be the topic.

Speak to you in the morning,

Lost

Part Two

Trying to do therapy without involving feelings is dumb.

You know that, right?

Dear T,

Went pretty well with p-doc. Wish I felt like I could email you that (or that you'd have wanted me to), but of course I can't. Well, I *could*, but you'd be irritated, so... I'll fill you in next week. Seeing R tomorrow now and maybe still keeping Friday--hopefully you can deal with that OK. This just seems to be a not-OK stretch of time for me for whatever reason. Maybe the Latuda will help? And/or it not being summer?

Hope you've either it made it safely to your destination or are still...safely on the road.

Love,
LT

Dear H,

Thanks for telling me where to find a picture of you.
Is it weird that I am considering sending you a picture of Steve...just so that you can get a sense of what the world is missing now that he is no longer in it?

I don't know...I'd just like you to see.

Speak soon,

Lost

Dear R,

I wish you'd clarify about tomorrow, whether it's in person. I guess as long as you let me know by 10:30 or so, that's fine. And I assume you kept me on for Friday? You didn't send a meeting cancellation.

I feel I could use each session for a different thing. Tomorrow, more just general coping, figuring out what's going on with me right now, how to manage it at least in the short-term. Then, pick a focus for Friday. I really hope you can give me some support right now. I want to get your thoughts on the one thing p-doc suggested today, too. Some warmth would also be good...


--LT

I’m grateful I have no real problems. That I have food and a safe space to sleep.

Just dealing with the usual feeling tiredness, but I’m still much happier, even though I know I shouldn’t have quit the gym.

I’m ready to go back to London. Ticket booked in the evening for 5 days time, as they were so expensive.

I’m also oddly in a cooking phase, which for me is a pink moon event. 😂

It grates on me that you think we're going to flip a switch and just go back to normal.
There's a hell of a lot to talk about before that can happen.

I need to recap where we left it before going online for my sake.

I'm having the kinds of conversations we should be having with several other people...and I'm going to have to catch you up?

Do you know how ridiculous that is?

Dear H,

Thank you for understanding why I wanted to share the picture.
What I know is hard to carry, and R is not able to carry it with me in her usual way.

Speak to you next week,

Lost

Eesh all the dreams I've been having lately! You would have a field day.

Dear T,

I hope you won't have some issue with me seeing R both today and tomorrow. You're out of town--literally, not like with the move, when you were in town but unavailable. I mean, I do feel better after today's session. I'd likely be fine to not see her tomorrow. But I think she can help me with more coping strategies, to help with, as she put it, the "insulation."

Why do you seem so unable to help me with those? It's like you expect me to cope, but aren't giving me the tools to do so. Or the "tools" are meeting with you regularly, but then when you're not around, I don't have much to work with. You'll mention things like exercise. I know, it's ultimately on me, but something like, "I wish you'd exercise more regularly" isn't helpful. Maybe help me come up with a plan? I guess I have to ask for that.

And I had an insight at the end with R. How this is similar to my parents, who just expected me to cope with certain things without really teaching me how. And then seem puzzled that I can't cope. I do wonder though, if you do mindfulness?breathing exercises with some other clients (as you've mentioned doing this), but won't with me because of transference stuff. I guess I need to ask about that. Maybe there's some other reason? Maybe I said "no" one time early on and you took that to mean "no" forever.

But like R said, I can find and do that stuff on my own. It would still be nice to get more guidance from you on it--at least she recommends specific websites and apps and stuff.

Love,
LT

I didnt really care that our session was only half an hour it was still productive. But I don't know what was up with my Zoom app. Audio couldn't work unless I logged into workplace or some shyt?

I also was glad that you understood I wasn't pushing you aside because of my non mental health issues and sometimes I just need to do virtual.

Global events

I remember that one time when I was seeing my transference T in her office and we were walking to her office and I said "whats that smell?" And she said "I don't know" quickly and quietly. And then awhile later in her office she was like "spill it."

She wanted the tea but didnt want another client in another office to hear me.

Dear T,

I feel very distanced from you right now. I'm sure it's partly because you're literally multiple states away. Maybe it's also because I met with R. And I also met with p-doc since you've been gone. Has it really only been since Tuesday? It feels much longer.

This might sound odd, but I can't tell if it's that I miss you or not at the moment. Whatever it is, I am determined to not reach out to you until you're back though, barring some awful thing happening in my life, and even then, I'd do my best to just wait. I'm trying to give you space. And maybe give myself space, too.

Love,
LT

I'm not sure whether you remember why I scheduled our next session for Tuesday 10th September.

As it is, you are my only option for skilled support who can be with me in person on that day.

I want to recap 'where we left off', but I don't want to insult you by doing so.

I wish I could be sure that you'd remember.