Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Hugs to you, Lost.

Dear T,

Thanks for all that this morning. The chatting about politics and how dating is today helped get my mind off the surgery and helped me feel connected. And I'm glad you saw my comment on worrying about H as affectionate. Maybe I surprised myself a bit in saying it. I'll try to figure out some way to say that to him once he's not doped up on painkillers.

As much as I'd like to email you an update that he got through surgery OK and is headed home, I won't, as I know that's your preference. I think maybe a big part of making our relationship work is appreciating it for what it is--for what you do give me--and accepting what it isn't and never will be, no matter how much I might want it. (And maybe it's the case for most or at least some other relationships, too.)

I imagine that statement would make you jump up and cheer (if you did that sort of thing--that's more R-like). But those are easier words to think and type than to live. So we'll see. Maybe something to talk about Friday.

Love you,
LT

Hi R,

I'm in a weird space at the moment as regards our relationship.
I can't tell whether you're trying to protect me from the impact of the new understanding, or whether you don't remember what it was.

I wish there was a way to find out that didn't involve an awkward conversation.

See you next week,

Lost

t,

you calling me (term of endearment) threw me for a loop. where did that come from?

me

I miss therapy with you. Boo. That is all.

Hi R,

I'm sorry to say that I feel really let down by you regarding your response to my realisation.

I knew the timing wasn't ideal, but I couldn't hold it for six weeks.

Having said that, I'm beginning to wish I had done so.

At least then I would be able to hold on to the sense that you knew what's going on.

Feeling like you don't understand that is a difficult place to be in.

I need you to understand the impact this discovery is having on me.

It might be a new stage, but it feels like I'm grieving all over again without the insulation that shock provides.

Dear T,

I'm sure you could guess I'm struggling with today's session. You probably think it's just about the last half. But I think the disconnect happened right at the beginning. When I talked about having to go to the coffee shop under your old office with D over the weekend. How I was worried I'd be emotional. And you were all, "Put a positive spin on it! Think of the good therapy moments you had there with me and across the street with ex-MC. Change the narrative."

Like, yeah, that's all nice, but I'm not there yet. We still haven't fully talked about the move. I'm not yet in a place where I can smile about the positive things that happened there. Maybe someday I will be able to. But it's been 6 weeks. It felt invalidating. Then of course, there's what came later. I could say it was my own fault for bringing up my insight, but I thought the discussion would go in a different direction. Maybe something more connecting. Instead, it felt like you were driving a wedge in between us. You knew how I'd react to a few things you said.

It's just especially distressing because I felt so connected Wednesday--of course, that didn't have anything to do with the therapeutic relationship. Maybe that's why? But the recent handshake discussion was connecting. I don't know...

Sigh.

Love,
LT

I'm so sorry, LT.
It sucks when they reach for reframing when we're not ready.

Thanks, Lost. They need to follow our leads on things like that, I think.

'Person centred' therapy has never meant less.

I agree.

You scared me so bad! Why are we so often in sync? It's kind of creepy.

Ha. And then I flip to feeling like the stupidest idiot on the planet for staying as long as I did.

Dear T,

I'm glad you responded and that you'll reply to the full email tonight.

Love,
LT

All I ever asked was what the point was -what was supposed to happen. I never got how talking was supposed to do anything. It did not help at all and I never understood how it was supposed to help. I never understood why blaming my mother was supposed to help. So what? My parents were X - okay even if I agree (which granted I never did) -so what? How does it help? Why is it so hard for you people to explain how to do it and why. I think it is because you people(therapists) just make up crap and hope we don't notice

Out of the mouths of babes! If one had parents that as you said above "just made up crap and hoped you didnt notice", then one may be unprepared for adulthood, because your house is made of straw.

I better stop there before i start to make sense.

All parents make up crap - they haven't done it before. Therapists pretend to be trained at something - they just aren't exactly sure what.
But my point was not that parents are imperfect - my point was why won't therapists tell you what the point is for a client to whine about it all the time whilst paying them to sit there and pretend to listen. I am more pro some parents than I am any therapist

To get the client to change their mind about something that they are doing that is not serving them well, but they cant see it that it is hurting them.

Getting somebody to change their mind or their ways is hard - usually the way is prison, right?

I have no idea what you are talking about

should i be worried that i understood this? just teasing dear una.

I suppose that's why L had to take drastic measures to make me see that she isn't the version of her that I made up in my head, otherwise I'd never have left and boy howdy I should have left a long time ago. She never said anything because hey, she was getting paid, why should she? ha. But anyway had she told me that's what she was doing it probably would not have been effective. It's all a guessing game for me at this point, but it's definitely a possibility.

I would say, why were you focusing on her? Or why did you THINK you were focusing on her. Its never about them. They just give you what you need to grow. Thats why stopdog doesnt need them - she already grown!