Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

That's a good point, to talk to R about how to deal with the consequences of the decision.

And I know it may seem that way, but it's not just about his deciding to keep the fish--it's also about his understanding my feelings about it. Realizing how it affects me. And maybe feeling some level of empathy or sympathy for that. Even if it ultimately ends up that it won't fit in the space.

I think it also would help if I could understand where it's coming from. Or at least why it matters to me, even if I can't identify "Oh, this ties to this incident when I was 8 years old." As right now, I feel sort of ridiculous that it's affecting me so much. But R does the "when did you first feel like this in your life" sort of thing. Not sure I'll/we'll be able to figure it out, but hoping so.

If I'm dying from this thing then I want to say goodbye to my transference T. I don't give a **** if its still unhealthy that I'm not over her 3 years later.

Hugs to you if wanted. I hope you're not dying...

Hurry up and engage with the arrangements for this week, I need to know what I can offer my students. The world doesn't revolve around you and your priorities. After all, I need to work to pay your exorbitant fee.

Dear T,

I admit that part of why I'm still meeting with you while sick (even though you said no-penalty cancellation) is that I could use some empathy from you and feel you'll give it. Like hopefully you'll be more gentle with me because I'm sick. I do hope we'll be able to meet in person Friday though.

Love,
LT

Guess who no longer has the desire to be your friend?

Miracles DO happen.

I emailed you awhile ago about something really important and its kinda strange you haven't replied yet.

I still haven't heard back. Also got blown off by my pdoc among other people today

Dear T,

You did give some empathy, so thanks. And I feel we had a (mostly) good discussion about the fish. I do think that talking to R first helped me.

And your comment at the end re: in person vs. virtual Friday, depending on how I'm feeling. That I only need to let you know if it's virtual. Your "But I'm sure you'll let me know either way" is one of those comments that if I read it in an email/text, might feel like you were annoyed. But you were smiling when you said it, so instead, it felt more affectionate, or at least accepting.

Love,
LT

So you just aren't going to respond tonight? That was a pretty serious email.

Why haven't you offered me a regular time at your office in town? It's infinitely easier for me to get there than to trek to your house in the middle of nowhere. I mean, I really like your set up in the woods and I wouldn't want to miss out on it, but I also want a slot at your office. And on Zoom. And sometimes twice a week and sometimes every other week. And I want you to reduce your fee and I want you to dress differently. Also, you must stop your affectation with the glottal stop. Tea made on the fire would be nice and there's nothing to stop you offering homemade tablet either. You should be lighting the candles every week not just when it suits you, but I do appreciate that they are beeswax. Anyway, despite all these imperfections and shortcomings, I am really looking forward to today.

I don't know where you wandered off to, but I left my house today in shorts and a T shirt which is a big deal considering I wouldn't leave my house at all without my denim jacket and jeans a couple weeks ago.

I wonder if your ok? You just ghosted me when I'm going through a lot. And you know people ditching me and not responding has been a big issue for me lately.

Thank you for the assurance that you will be there.

Dear T-

Thank you for offering that hug as I was leaving this morning. I find it hard to ask for one- especially after a challenging session or a long break between sessions.. like we've had recently. Your hugs are safe and grounding.

Twice a month feels workable now. I feel stronger and more confident in myself since reducing sessions. Strangely, it also seems like you're even more attuned and present when I do see you now? I didn't expect that outcome but I'm happy with it. Makes the sessions feel especially worthwhile and productive.

So the email ended up in your spam folder for some reason but we did discuss it and the second email from yesterday and whats been going on.

I wasn't feeling it today in therapy but I dealt with it. It wasn't you, I'm just tired of repeating myself and the same story and I was nauseated and I didn't like the way I looked on Zoom. I'm glad we ended a few minutes early.

I wish there was some way to do therapy through email or text instead of talking.

Ayyyyyy, thinking of letting you use that space you made for me for someone else/other things. I'm not going to be the needy, taxing client that you end your week with. I'm probably going to relocate out of the area soon anyway.

Dear T,

Please be kind in your reply. I opted to just look for reassurance--it should be pretty straightforward, like just what you said today without seeming like you were forced to say it under duress. I'm not trying to continue some sort of standoff, whatever this is.

I'm scared this could be the end of our relationship. I wish you could understand that what feels like control to you feels like safety/survival for me. Is a child crying because they're scared controlling to you? Well, perhaps you'd think so.

Yes, I know I'm not a child, but this is not coming from the rational, adult part of me. Even you said earlier this week that this seems to be paternal transference. Not sure what shifted so far in the wrong direction today when it seemed more OK then. Though honestly, you seemed a bit weird from when I walked in today, just your general body language. Maybe something else is going on unrelated to me that's put you on edge. Like the mold and now-fading illness are doing for me. And why were you wearing a shirt with your name on the back? That was a bit odd, too.

Love,
LT

Dear T,

Also, the fish was meant to honor our work together. It's not just about me. But the work. Our work. Plus, to honor the former living Fish, who had been a presence in the office.


Love,
LT

I had this dream where I was begging my pdoc to call my transference T to take me back.

I woke up from it not feeling that way. Just feeling some other stuff. I've told my current T I want to move back to my old state. She didn't seem offended but I didn't tell her that would mean not seeing her anymore.

Dear new T, am I too much already?

I wish you could have fixed me but I've come to understand that no one can maybe not even me. Sometimes I feel so utterly broken. Often I don't. But when I do, I feel very, very broken.

I mean for ****'s sake, why couldn't we have fixed me in 12 ****ing YEARS?!?!?!?!?! UGH!!