Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Thank you for your email.

I'm still keeping hold of 'It doesn't matter what day it is. Your job is to take care of you.'
Layers upon layers.

See you Thursday.

Love,

Lost

You said you were thinking of me when you were at a Coke freestyle machine. I'm kinda preoccupied with other things and I don't normally think of you at random times.

Also what was up with your boobs practically popping out of your shirt? Yes I saw you pull up your shirt up when you thought I wasn't looking.

Ayyo,

haven't seen you since the 6th. Another cancelation this week so won't see you again until the 26th if you don't have any emergencies or meetings or whatever else "comes up." Thought this was supposed to be a weekly thing. I'm not saying I'm mad about not seeing you. I'm saying I'm mad because I make time to see you. I make sure I'm not sleeping. I make sure I'm sober (enough). I do not make prior plans during our appointment time. And when you cancel on the session, I also cancel on the session, a nap, binge drinking, I don't know having lunch with a friend or a good fckking?

I am so glad our session was yesterday and not tommorow. I do not feel like doing therapy right now with everything else thats going on.

Go to the ER if I don't feel "medically" safe. Never heard that one from a therapist.

T.S. Eliot asserts that "April is the cruellest month."

For years, I agreed with him.

Now June is giving April a run for its money.

Hi R,

Thank you so ****ing much for springing that on me at the beginning of session.
Having had two years of virtual sessions where you opened the call, I tried to speak and promptly dissolved, you'll understand why I'm not thrilled at the prospect of you going virtual for the summer.

Of course, you 'know' that will have an impact on me...and we can talk about it, but like we talk about Steve now, it doesn't change anything.

Feeling pretty broken right now, and possibly worse than I was.

See you Thursday,

Lost

There's something screwed up about having a session, and needing to call the bereavement support line on the same day.

There's something more screwed up about having another human being say to me: 'If you feel the need to cry again and you'd rather do that with somebody, you can call back.'

How the hell has my life come to this?

I wish I could send you this song, because it says it all.



People in pain need people, not screens.

There's a quote attributed to the Sufi mystic Hafiz:

'Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I'd like to see you living in better conditions.'

It's running around my head again, when it hasn't been for a while.

Much appreciated.

Lost, that is so me. Thanks. Haiku version

Fear is the cheapest
Room in the house. I'd like to
See you in the best.

Thanks for the smile, Una.

I love your version.

Dear T,

I feel weird about how session went today. The energy just felt off. Maybe it's because you're stressed? And/or because, for part of session, I was trying to talk about anything except the move? So I wasn't being authentic? And the good-bye just felt off. Usually, if you say "have a good couple days," and I say, "thanks, you, too," you'll say "thanks" or "I appreciate that." So your just saying "You're welcome" today felt weird. Especially as I got really emotional in the last few minutes.

I do think I want to do in-person Tuesday. If today had felt good, I might have opted to just do virtual. I feel like I should have just left it be at Friday and not come in person today, but of course I can't go back in time. I know I risk Tuesday being difficult, if your office is more empty. But maybe if I could be more authentic, even if its painful and I'm crying much of the time, it would feel better? Hope it works out that I can come in.

Love,
LT

--- see you in better.

Well, you have an email.

I imagine you were anticipating some kind of verbal response from me, rather than a soluble one...although you probably expected that too.

Of course, virtual is better than nothing, and if that's what you're offering, that's what I get...

If the one thing I've managed to keep thanks to Steve is 'Self care requires telling the damn truth', then I need to share how I feel about this.

My fear is losing control, because sharing space helps so much with the settling.

It's hard for me that I only have the vaguest idea of what actual therapeutic work we did last week.

It takes some to make it so that I don't even want a written record of the session.

See you Thursday,

Lost

Dear T,

Now I'm sort of wondering whether I want to even see you at all this week, whether in-person or virtual. If you're really stressed about the move, which is fully understandable, and I'm upset about it, I just am unsure how it would go well.

I had the thought earlier that maybe we could do something fun, like a game--Uno perhaps? But when I mentioned that ages ago before a vacation, you'd said we should discuss it first. And I didn't bring it up, so I doubt you'd go for it tomorrow. And we could only do some sort of online game Thursday. Trivia is out, as you've already said you dislike that. I could show you more photos, I guess.

I thought yesterday that you'd tell me some interesting stories about objects in the room, but that hit a total dead end. I want something connecting and relaxed. But is that possible at this point? I guess if I'm considering canceling entirely, I have until 1 today to decide....

Love,
LT

I am angry about not being angry anymore.

Dear T,

Visiting the lobby of the new office made me feel a bit better about the move. It took away at least a bit of the unknown. And I do think it was about my coming up with something to help the fear. I wish you'd recognized that, rather than seeming freaked out by the prospect of my running into you there. Maybe we can talk about it more tomorrow.

It's a completely different thing, but it makes me think of when I decided to try that walk 100 miles in a month thing. How I thought it was a good source of motivation, and you were all negative about it. Obviously, there were different reasons behind your reactions, but still. It feels a bit undermining in a way.

Love,
LT

Visiting the future is draining work.

In the here and now, I need to be heard and understood.

Hey L guess what, you know that emotional regulation stuff we worked so much on? Well the switch finally flipped, as it were, and I find myself able to do it at long last. At least I got here before I turn 62 soon huh? haha

Thanks for being cool about my medical emergency that is still going on. But I do feel pretty guilty. I think its common for people going through medical stuff to feel guilty at times.

Dear T,

Still feel a bit sad about seeing your office in person for the last time today. But I felt the session was pretty connected, which was what I needed and had missed Sunday.

I want to talk more about how you understood I was looking for connection Sunday, but didn't want to give it in the way I was seeking. It would be good if, in the future, you could just acknowledge that. I know you said today you were concerned about hurting me. But it seems like it would hurt less if it felt like you picked up on what I was looking for. So I'd at least feel seen.

And it's a little thing, but your saying "take care" when I left felt nice (much better than "you're welcome" from last time). Then, after I turned back and said "goodbye, office," started crying, then apologized, your gently saying "It's OK" helped a lot.

Wish I could message you to let you know I arrive safely at my destination, but I know that's not what the relationship is. Talk to you Thursday.

Love,
LT

Of all the emails I have ever sent, then wished they'd self-destruct....that was the one.

I needed to get it out, and that was probably not the way to do it.

Well, I'll face the music in the morning.

Why am I not looking forward to seeing you? Doctors and therapy appointments are now just as stressful as work was.

I'm just shoving in the anti nausea and heartburn meds and valium and anything else I can take so I can be ok at our session.

Edit: that was so uncomfortable when you said "see you next week honey" just as you opened the door and I came face to face with some random guy and my former therapist.

It was just cringy.